Creative Consult

[Buster's Uncle]

I did read last week's installment, but I didn't have much to say, it seeming like bridging material with only the Imbri conversation/character development going for it - not a great move in something serialized weekly, BTW.  This is not saying it was bad, just … pretty long for no more than actually happened in it, and I have to wait a week.

The latest instalment was a good deal more interesting.  The Darun development, of course, prurient interest and all - and I'm suddenly thinking that my old speculation about Ram being something more than the new En might have something to it after all.  I want more.

-A note about serial chapters v. a novel - it greatly increases the burden on the reader of keeping track of characters and names, having been away from the text for a week each time.  You probably ought to take a lot of care to throw in an characterizing/reminding adjective the first time you name-check, for instance, the lugal 'back home', that city, the city Ram's in, the sun god, the sword - all those people places and things, I struggle to recall what you're talking about on first mention in a new installment.  I specifically keep briefly confusing the sword, Beshi, with the bazu, aliens, on first mention, for example.

This probably requires keeping parallel files; one that you write the ongoing story as you've been doing, for the complete novel, and a second jiggered to keep the serial installment audience up to speed as they go - constant in-text reminders are awkward as hell and bad style when left in a compiled novel version...

[Elok]

See, I was thinking 8.3 was utterly critical because it let readers know the reason, or the start of a reason, for pretty much everything in the plot thus far.  At the end of 8.2 we learned that okay, Ram's the en, but we don't know why that was done or for what purpose.  In 8.3 we learned that.  Now, r/r seems to agree with you; I posted the ad for 8.4 on Sunday as usual and thus far it hasn't had a single upvote.  I got upvotes on last week's, but fewer views and almost no comments.  Don't know if they lost interest because the story went in an unexpected direction, or if they were bored with the all-exposition chapter, or what.

[Buster's Uncle]

Well, that just underlines that a good novel chapter might not work as a serial installment, doesn't it? 

I'm having trouble believing in P-wasisface anyway, a dude -an OFFICIAL on an urgent mission- trying to put a kind face on things in a world where he seems to be the only one to ever try that at all about ANYthing.  -Giving Ram time to think, and walk around out of earshot/instant reach the whole chapter, is where that's coming from.

I'm stupid and tired right now.

[Elok]

Well, all this started b/c the current Ensi did something stupid to make trouble, per Piridur's story.  Ram is the next Ensi, and as Piridur acknowledges, it's kind of hard to find volunteers for the position.  It's in Piridur's interest not to make Ram (more of) an enemy of the pyre, since he's likely going to play a significant role in its administration for at least a full decade.
EDIT: Also, I hope you're taking the two seconds to vote on TWF once a week or so?  It really does help a great deal to stay on the main page, or even move up it a bit.

[Buster's Uncle]

I've been assuming that would involve signing up -and I'd drop you the odd comment there if it didn't require an email- and I've been parsimonious online with either of my emails very religiously for a very long time...

[Buster's Uncle]

My mistake, on the voting.  Pyrebound's now at #31. 

[Elok]

Thank you!  It goes by IP address, AFAICT, which is actually a fairly clever idea.  Makes it really easy to vote, but too much effort to spoof to be worth it for most people.

[Elok]

Okay, so it appears I'm not getting upvotes on Reddit b/c some bug has made my post invisible to everyone but me.  That's ... a relief?

[Buster's Uncle]

Try posting again or something?

[Elok]

Discussed it with a moderator; it appears their AutoMod does not like me.  IDK, but now there's a visible post (the human mod manually enabled it; AutoMod also disappeared my replacement post).  So I'm happy, albeit confused.

[Elok]

One Reddit wag's comment on 8.4:

"Nice update! Things are actually happening in the plot, and Ram got to experience some new things. Like plumbing."

[Buster's Uncle]

Edit: -Oh wait; I was taking that as a dirty joke, but there was also actual plumbing.

[Buster's Uncle]

A couple suggested edits:
"A few minutes later, Imbri’s door opened, and she came tap-tapping her way out in a dark greennightie" - I assume that's a typo.

"Shazru startled; Darun only pouted. “And that has what to do with us?” She snatched the bag from Bal, and all but dragged him from the table with her other hand." - poor phrasing; surely "dragged Ram from the table" would be better, as only the POV following her out of the room made it -eventually over numerous paragraphs- clear who was dragged.

Good installment.

[Elok]

Yeah, when I copy-paste each chapter, it automatically creates a few sporadic typos like that due to some oddity in the way LibreOffice formats, or something.  Fixed, thanks.

[Elok]

https://pyrebound.wordpress.com/the-four-cs/

A draft I've been working on for ages.  It's not indexed yet, am thinking I will Easter-egg it.