posted 11-22-98 09:27 PM ET        

The IHOP, CWAL HV's new HQ, was in a state of really messiness. Seemingly thousands of plastic bags littered the floor, each bearing the logo of prominent outlets in the Baltimore area. Even more so, clothes, electronics, silks, jewelry, and just about everything else available for purchase in a mall was strewn about everywhere; hanging off windows, staircases, doorframes, the ceiling, among other things. It looked almost like what it would look like if a tornado destroyed a building which contained a Wal-Mart, Zellers, and Eaton's outlet, and then taken their contents and dumped them in a muddy pond. Except for the muddy pond part, that's what the devastation of the interior of HQ looked like. But in the exact center, like the eye of a hurricane, was a small circle of clear space. And sitting in the middle of that circle was Aura, who was currently engrossed with one of those paddleball things. You know, one of those paddles that has a string with a ball attached to it, and you hit the ball with the paddle? That thing.
*BANG BANG BANG!*
*BANG BANG BANG!*
*BANG BANG BANG!*
The sound was coming from the other side of the door. Aura figured that it was Laeryn returning with Fjorxc and Freerunner, but couldn't understand why he was knocking when he had a key. Only when she noticed the seven-foot-high pile of junk that had accumulated in front of the door did she realize what the problem was.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the door, Fjorxc once again tried to bust the door down, by running his head into it at high velocities. After about seventeen attempts, even he was getting a bit impatient.
"Forksy," Freerunner said, putting her hand on his shoulder, "you've already ran into the door seventeen times. I don't think that one more try will make a difference."
"Then what exactly would you suggest?"
"Why not try the window?" she asked.
"Hey, good idea!" Fjorxc turned away from the door and aimed himself towards the nearest window. "Okay everyone, stand back..." Almost in the form of a professional track racer, he leapt off the ground and barreled towards the window at a very high velocity.

Aura was wading through several hundred bottles of shampoo and conditioner, in an attempt to reach the door before either Fjorxc got impatient and tried to use the window or Freerunner decided to just use her laser to vaporize the door. "Almost...there..."
*CRASH!*
*TINKLE!*
*BREAK!*
*THUD!*
*YEEEARGH!*
"Let me guess. Fjorxc went through the window."
"Hehe, damn straight!" Fjorxc said as he stood up, brushing pieces of glass off his clothes. "I tell ya, running into walls at high speeds is pretty fun, but that's even better! As a matter of fact..." Fjorxc started running again and flew through another window, which unfortunately was about 6 meters off of the ground.
*WHEEE!*
*THUD!*
*CRASH!*
*YEEEARGH!*
Freerunner walked around the IHOP to inspect the damage. "Forksy, you hurt yourself?"
"Those reports are still unsubstantiated," he croaked. "Speaking of which, what time is it?"
"Three o'clock Eastern Standard Time, on Friday, November 20th," she replied, with almost stopwatch accuracy.
"November 2--OH MY GOD! FREERUNNER!" Fjorxc jumped up, as if possessed by something which would make him react a lot faster, or as if he had lots of adrenaline rushing through his veins, which he did. "FREERUNNER! I NEED FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS BY TOMORROW MORNING!"
"What? Why?"
"When I bought those weapons from Exile, I didn't pay him! He just said to get the money to him by the twenty-first!"
"So your problem is...?"
"Would you really want to get on the bad side of a Protoss who can cloak at will and has an immense selection of various black-market weapons of mass destruction?"
"I see your point."
"SO HOW AM I GONNA GET ENOUGH MONEY TO PAY EXILE OFF?"
"Well, when I get in situations like this, I seek spiritual guidance. Or, if that doesn't work, you can just consult the local Oracle."
"Oracle? Whazzat?"

Located in a stately shrine near Baltimore's downtown core, the local Oracle was a major place of doing stuff. It attracted people from all over Maryland, seeking to know the answers to Life, the Universe and Everything, or what the number 42 meant. But Baltimore's Oracle was much different then the rest of them, for example the one in Washington, which often took the form of a talking statue of Abraham Lincoln or Thomas Jefferson. For this Oracle was no ordinary Oracle. This Oracle was the Great Vacuum.
"Oh, Great Vacuum, will I have a long live?" one person asked.
"NO! You'll be crushed by a stone this afternoon! BLAH!" it yelled, as it spat out dust onto the person. "NEXT!"
The Great Vacuum was actually the result of a curious fusion between a surplus Sharp-Vac, a cast-off Dustbuster and some discarded parts from the vacuum-tube computers of the 1950's, most notably ENIAC and UNIVAC. No one knew how the Great Vacuum had come to be, only that it had been discovered in a research lab in 1983, yelling and spitting out dust at the lab mice. It had been studied in a high-security lab for five years until the scientists realized that the Great Vacuum was quite intelligent and, unbelievable as it was at the time, an Oracle.
"Oh, Great Vacuum, will I be rich?"
"NO! You'll be saying 'You want fries with that?' by the end of the week! BLAH! NEXT!"
On the advice of Freerunner, Fjorxc had made the pilgrimage here, to the Shrine of the Great Vacuum. Here, he hoped to get an answer to his question. After standing in line for over two hours, he almost thought that he was waiting for an autograph from someone who writes real slow when he realized that he was next.
"Oh, Great Vacuum, will I get a good report card?" asked the person who had been standing in front of Fjorxc.
"Good report card? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! BLAH! NEXT!" As the person ahead of him left dejectedly, Fjorxc straightened his collar, and walked in.
"Oh, Great Vacuum," he asked, "how can I get $50,000 by tomorrow?"
"The Home Shopping Channel!" it yelled back. "BLAH! NEXT!"
As Fjorxc left the Great Vacuum's room, wiping the dust off of his face, a realization hit him. "The Home Shopping Channel! That's it!" he said loudly. He rushed to a payphone and dialed up CWAL HQ.
"Hello, CWAL Hunt Valley headquarters. Freerunner speaking."
"It's me!"
"Oh, hi Forksy. How'd your meeting with the Great Vacuum go?"
"Great! Just great. Now I want you to do me a favor. Take all of the body parts left over from the Jolt killing spree, and..."

"And now, you can own your very own Jolt Head," the Home Shopping Channel's announcer said. "Yes, you heard that right. And no, this isn't some fake plastic head. It's an actual head, left over from a previous incarnation of Operation CWAL's favorite cannon fodder, Jolt! They're selling fast, folks, so don't delay! Only $5,000 each, call now!"
"Well, I've got to hand it to you, Forksy, that was an ingenious plan," Freerunner said.
"Thanks. Now I'll be able to pay off Exile. That's odd...I have the strangest feeling I've forgotten something."
"Yeah, me too. I don't know what it is."
"Don't worry about it. If it was important, we wouldn't have forgotten about it."
"True."
Fjorxc and Freerunner settled into the couch as they cracked open a beer.
Meanwhile, Laeryn Silverblade was still standing in front of the cell Fjorxc and Freerunner had occupied. It was entirely dark, and the building was deserted.
"Hello...hello? Can anyone hear me?"

And now, the most recent version of the Cast List.

CWAL Hunt Valley Cast List

Title Listings:

A: Alien
C: Cannon fodder
Co: Computer
Fe: Female
H: Human
L: Leader
N: Non-forum character
O: Other (not a human or alien)
S: Uses special weapon(s)
W: Current writer

----------------------------------------CWAL Hunt Valley---------------------------------------------------------------

Aura: *Fe* *N* *O* Aura was created by Blizzard to destroy CWAL, but defected after being sent against the immortal Jolt. She can destroy anyone within twenty feet of her with her gaze, but it takes ten seconds to occur; her eyes glow red while the effect manifests, and the energy taken from the destroyed organism heals any wounds she has suffered. She has very bad reactions to failing, innuendo, and being sent on suicide missions. Has a wardrobe that can fill a 747 and spends most of her time in malls. While her mental age is that of a fifteen-year-old, she looks like she is in her early twenties.

Colin: *Co* *N* A sentient computer built into Freerunner's watch.

Eddie: *Co* *N* The Orca's shipboard computer and one of Fjorxc's best friends. Originally developed by the Department of Defense during the cold war, but he was accidentally given sentience. He escaped and eventually ended up in Silicon Valley, where he was found by Fjorxc. He enjoys performing practical jokes on people, but is extremely vulnerable to Spice Girls music. Enjoys yelling security warnings at one hundred decibels. Likes Teri Hatcher. Occasionally picks up mannerisms from his Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy namesake.

Exile: *A* *S* *W*: A Dark Templar, exiled from his homeworld. Currently allied with CWAL HV. He has a personal cloaking device, allowing to render himself invisible at will. Owner and proprietor of the ExileMart, he is known as an infamous black marketeer throughout half the galaxy.

Fjorxc: *H* *L* *S* *W*: A maniac with a bad memory who likes using his Orca stolen from Westwood to nuke stuff. Carries a Walther PPK, and always wears his flight helmet, which looks like the one Luke wore in "Star Wars". Pastimes include running headfirst into a wall at high speeds and watching cartoons from the late eighties on a Betamax he found in a broom closet. Has an intense fear of light blue-colored alpacas named Bob. Enjoys sucking seagulls into the Orca's engines, though he fears that one day the seagulls might counterattack and kill him. Commands CWAL Hunt Valley.

Freerunner: *Fe* *H* *N* *S*: Fjorxc's double from a parallel dimension, which is roughly seventy years more technologically advanced than CWAL Prime. Ended up here after falling into a portal on her world which transported her to CWAL Prime's "Irvine Mystery Spot". Is more sane and mentally stable than Fjorxc, though she still doesn't know much about CWAL Prime. Uses a small laser pistol. Always calls Fjorxc "Forksy", even though he hates it.

Sofielisk: *A* *Fe* *W*: A modified Hydralisk with 3 distinct cat personalities: Sofie, who is evil and manipulative, Sassy, who is a mad professor and Jasmine, who is a total do-gooder. Developed the teleporter which links CWAL HQ in Irvine with CWAL Hunt Valley.

Victor: *H* *W*: An eccentric Canadian expatriate who is one of those who can't wait any longer. Occasionally turns into a mad scientist when he has nothing to do. His general opinion of the United States except New England and California is far from favorable, and he has a tendency to say things which imply it.

--------------------------------------The Brotherhood of Sid (BoS)-------------------------------------------------

Imran Siddiqui: *H*, *L*, *W* A compromiser who wants peaceful relation, but won't hesitate to call up an army and crush opposition.� Extremely loyal and patriotic.� He is outfitted with a plasma rifle and is known for dogged determination in the battlefield.� He also as limited magical powers which are only used in times of distress.� In the negotiation room, he tries to get what is best for his side, without causing much anger on the other side.� Allied with NIMadier General YYYH, creating a devastating duo of two veterans.

Yo_Yo_Yo_Hey: *H* *W* A NIMadier general who always wears his Union Army Civil War uniform, which includes the Union's popular cap, a steel saber, and knee-high boots. He fights with a Browning Assault Rifle (BAR) named Alice, which he wears around his back and is sometimes his best friend. He cleans Alice to the point of obsession. Alice's ammo includes anthrax, nerve gas, poison tipped, or HE bullets. He usually commands from afar, but enjoys fighting man-to-man. He is extremely faithful to his cause, and is thus immune to bribery. He has a very reserved personality, meaning that he keeps to himself when he is in private, stays faithful to girlfriends, et cetera. He is sort of an anachronist, meaning that he prefers something old-fashioned after a modern implement. Almost always wears his blue Yankee cap, and is infamous among the SMACers for his obsession with Absolut Vodka, which he gets drunk off of in corner 291 of the I club.

--------------------------------------------------------Firaxis----------------------------------------------------------------

Jeff Briggs: The CEO of Firaxis, and the mind behind all its latest schemes. Is evil and very intelligent. Does not like marbles or slinkys.

Brian Reynolds: Jeff's right-hand man. Usually leads armies in attacks on the enemies of Firaxis. Comparable to Blizzard's Head Programmer.

Sid Meier: The mind behind Alpha Centauri, and the insidious mind control subroutines planted within. Comparable to Blizzard's Lab Coat Guy.

posted 11-23-98 12:47 AM ET            

CHRISTMAS CATALOG, DECEMBER 1998

Thank You for stopping by, please, take this cupon to recieve 1 free of anything in this catalog. Happy killing

Exile

Imperial TIE Defender fighters
$500,000 per wing

Standard-issue laser cannon
$500 each

Standard-issue turbolaser
$1500 each

Protoss Psi Blade, optimized for use on Zealots
$50 per pair

Confederate Army 15-gauge Gauss Rifle
$75 each

Confederate Army Perdition-type flamethrowers
$20 per pair, replacement plasma tanks $5 each

Confederate Army C-10 Canister Rifle
$50 each, individual canister prices vary depending on type and demand

Scarab Drone
$65 each

Confederate Army Standard Issue Stimpack
$40 each

Confederate Army Marine Powered Combat Suit
$200 each

Wraith-class Burst Laser System
$150 each

Standard-issue Terran autocannons
$175 per pair

Wraith-class Gemini missiles
$100 per loadout

Scout-class dual photon blasters
$150 per pair

Scout-class Antimatter missiles
$250 per loadout

Warp Blades, optimized for use on Dark Templar
$100 per pair

Particle Beam, optimized for use on Probes
$30 each

United Nations-issue Shredder Pistol
$50 each

Victory-class Star Destroyer
$8000 each

The Canadarecall:
$800 per unit

Death Star:
$50,000 each

Arkensian Stun Grenades:
$10/case

F/A-18 Hornet:
$500 each

Protoss Carrier:
$500,000/2 each

Breed-Your-Own-Zerg Kit:
$100/kit

Goliath Mech:
$750 each

Protoss Scout-Class Fighters:
$900 each

Terran Wraiths:
$500/pair

Rebel X-Wing Fighter:
$750 each

Rebel Y-Wing Fighter/Bomber:
$700 each

TIE Fighter:
$100/squadron (keep in mind the losses they take and how flimsy they are)

TIE Bomber:
$200/squadron

Proton Torpedoes:
$10/ 2 cases

Concussion Missiles:
$5/ 2 cases

Just remember, keep checking in for more selections and shipments as they arrive!!!

You're always welcome at the ExileMart. Just tell all your friends who need weapons of destruction that aren't as insanely powerful as Maggottonian designs but aren't weak either about ExileMart!
Open 24 Hours A Day!
Galactic Selections Abound!

Houston, TX, USA
Earth, Terran Sector

posted 11-23-98 01:13 AM ET            

"Computer, please access file 3452."
"My name is Roy."
"Oh yes, Roy, please give me the DAMN FILE."
"Geez don't have to get mad about it, here you (whispered) @#$^!^ #@#&."
"What! What was that!"
"Nothing sir."

Imran sits back down in the chair, looks over to "Roy" again, and reads the printout.

"Hmm, yes. This is good. Jones, get this message to NIMadier General YYYH."
"Who?"
"You know, the faithful and hellbent, yada, yada, yada."
"Oh yeah."
"By the way, which forum is he on right now?"
"This one, he doen't have time to be on another forum. Have you seen the number of posts he has?"
"I guess so, OK, carry on."

A man dressed in the grey uniform of the BoS come to the side to the chair and hands PM Imran a folder with Top Secret on it. Imran pulls out a message and reads it.

"PM Imran...[censored]. That was very interesting. Um, Jones?"
"Yes?"
"Tell, NIMadier General YYYH, yes the faithful, hellbent one, to initiate plan Antietam."
"Right, sir."
"Well? What are you waiting for, get on it!"

posted 11-23-98 05:13 PM ET            

YYYH: Whatta ya want!?!? I'm a busy man!
(YYYH took a quick chug out of the bottle)

Messenger: Umm sir, Imran Siddiqui wanted me to give this to you.

YYYH: What?? Gimme that!
(YYYH rips the message out of the messengers hand, & starts reading it)
YYYH: What the....
(YYYH writes something on the bottom of the message, & hands it to the messenger)
YYYH: Be sure Mr. Siddiqui gets that!

Messenger: Ye..ye...yes sir

YYYH: ...& close the door on the way out!!

(The messenger closes the door, but before closing it he notices YYYH take out his BAR & cleaning rod.)

Messenger: Damn bastard's gonna marry his freakin' gun
(The messenger opens the note, being the sneak he is. It reads: WHAT THE **** IS PLAN ANTIETAM!
The messenger than quickly ran to Imran's office in the new BoS HQ, located somewhere....)

PS, Imran, just tell me in ICQ. You prabably mentioned it before, but I forgot....

posted 11-23-98 05:47 PM ET            

"Well what is it?", Imran quickly asks.
"Umm, sir, NIMadier General YYYH doen't know what plan Antietam is."
"What?!, here give him this copy of the plan."
"Yes, sir, uh.. If I may ask why are you dressed differently?"
"What? Oh yeah, I have just recently learned the secret of the Force."
"The Force?" (muffled laughter heard)
"Yes, the force, let me demonstrate."

The messenger, who was just mocking Imran, now found himself in the air, dangling, before he fell to the ground.

"Ow, that hurt!"
"Oops sorry, I had other things on my mind." (a smile creeps upon Imran's face)
"So, your like a Jedi Knight?"
"Correction, I am a Jedi Knight, with lightsaber and all, now get that messager to the NIMadier general."
"Yes sir."

Updated Profile for Imran Siddiqui:

*H*, *L*, *W*, *S* A compromiser who wants peaceful relation, but won't hesitate to call up an army and crush opposition. Extremely loyal and patriotic. He is outfitted with a lightsaber with a plasma pistol on his hip and is known for dogged determination in the battlefield. He also is proficent in the force and can use it to extreme damage if provoked. He rarely used the powers of NIM, but will in desperate situations. It is best to stay away when he does use them, however. In the negotiation room, he tries to get what is best for his side, without causing much anger on the other side. Allied with NIMadier General YYYH, creating a devastating duo of two veterans.

posted 11-24-98 01:39 AM ET            

Director Imran slides over to the blue panel over to his right.

"Roy, can you tell me where that shot went?"
"Yes, I can, will I is another question."
"What?! Why the Hell not!"
"I think you are using me."
"Of course, I'm using you, you are a robot, for Christ's sake."
"Still, I want to have a cast profile."
"Fine, Fine. Roy *C*, Imran's top secret one-of-kind computer, which has amazing calculating ability. Is that good enough?"
"Yes, it is. Now I will tell yu who shot that beam. It was Victor Gallis."
"What?! Victor Gallis, He doesn't even have a cast profile, he can't be in the story."
"Hmmm, I guess you're right, chief. Maybe we should disregard that last post?"
"OK, that last post is striken, no one saw that one. Victor Gallis isn't on the list, therefore he doesn't exist. Ok Good."
"Ahemmm."
"Yes, Roy.."
"You forgot something."
"Oh, for the love of God, Thank You, Roy!"
"You're Welcome."
"What the world is coming to these days!"

posted 11-24-98 01:27 PM ET            

Victor: *H* *W*: An eccentric Canadian expatriate who is one of those who can't wait any longer. Occasionally turns into a mad scientist when he has nothing to do. His general opinion of the United States except New England and California is far from favorable, and he has a tendency to say things which imply it. Also, he has three clones each very powerful, which are the result of an earlier experment.