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Author Topic:   The Lost Techs Found!!! (Humour)

Scrubby posted 02-23-99 01:24 PM ET
Hey I found them, the lost techs not shown on the tech tree poster or discussed in the Datalinks! Here they are:
Tech: Echinacea
Level: Discover 7.5
Quotes: "Holy crap! What is this stuff?" Sister Miriam
"It's ick-can-nay -- um , eee-chin-a kee, no, um, its eudaimon-- no that's not it..." Lady Deidre
"Huh?" Everyone else...
Tech Prerequisites: Bizarre Technical Language & Obscure Literary References
Bonuses: Allows GRANOLA future society, identical to GREEN but with an additional +1 Planet and +1 research
Description: Much knowledge was lost to the settlers of planet including the magic of herbal holistic medicine. Alas, not lost were game designers' proclivities toward showing off their intellect.

Tech: Secrets of SMAC
Level: Discover 21
Quote: "Explore. Discover. Build. Conquer. What a crock!" Anonymous
PreReq: Transcendence & Employment at Firaxis
Bonus: Doubles your Transcendent Thought scores
Description: With the end of the Human era, the final Secret of why SMAC is not BRAC is revealed...

Tech: Doctrine: Walking
Level: Conquer -1
Quote: "With this rediscovery of ancient movement techniques, the Spartans will reign supreme!" Spartan Battle Manual
PreReqs: Doctrine: Getting up in the Morning & Doctrine: Patting Head and Rubbing Tummy
Bonuses: Infantry get +1 Movement
Description: [Paraphrased from the manual, p119] "[Sure] any primitive tribesman of old Earth [could walk] but your faction can't [walk] until it discovers [Doctrine: Walking]. This isn't because [walking] works differently on Planet, it's because it takes a great deal of work, planning and inspiration [to walk]."

Tech: "Reality"
Level: Explore 0
Quote: "SMAC is unrealistic..." You know who you are...
PreReqs: Doctrine: Common Sense & Ballpin Hammer
Bonuses: Addiction to SMAC eliminated
Description: With the end of the tyranny of the computer game, humans once again discover reality. Alas, it wasn't reality they wanted, it was a game.

Well that's all I had time for to post. Anyone else find anything? Maybe Firaxis will put these incredibly useful techs in SMAC II: The Reckoning, their new first-person perspective real-time multi-player civilization simulator due in 2002. Hope you enjoyed the read. Flame away
Milamber posted 02-23-99 01:48 PM ET
Really good lots of fun. Sorry got to get back to laughing at this. ITS GREAT.
jsorense posted 02-23-99 02:07 PM ET
Scrubby, LOL.
3,000,000 B.C., Plains of East Africa (visualize the first scenes from 2001: A Space Odyssey).
One Australopithicus afarensis to another: You know, Grok, eating bugs and seeds all day and running from leopards really sucks.
Grok: Yeah, Smoog, reality bites! Let's invent a cool game and have some fun for a change.
Scrubby posted 02-24-99 10:27 AM ET
But you see, caveperson Underschaft would trundle by and complain that the game wasn't nearly real enough... the bugs and rock models weren't up to snuff... hehe j/k Undertaker and Wissenschaft
tOFfGI posted 02-26-99 03:29 PM ET
LMAO.
Good points, too.
Wen_Amon posted 02-26-99 06:47 PM ET
Well done scrubby. This is some funny stuff!
Shining1 posted 02-26-99 07:35 PM ET
Great stuff. But shouldn't 'Secrets of SMAC' be 'Secrets of Firaxis', instead?
SnowFire posted 02-27-99 05:30 PM ET
LOL. Excellent stuff. Let's not forget some of the techs we posted over in Random & Non-Random in the Non-SMAC related forum- I'd link it but HTML isn't allowed here in the Game forum.
cousLee posted 02-27-99 11:27 PM ET
Tech: Releaf (intentional)
Level: Discover 2.2
Quote: "please don't squeeze the charmin"
Prerequisite: Discover 2.1: People Paper Sources
Bonus: +1 energy from forests
Description: first to discover corners the market on toilet paper
Achilles posted 02-28-99 12:24 AM ET
Tech: Doctrine: Insomnia
Level: pi
Quotes: "Just one more turn,... ok, really, one more turn,... I'll just finish designing this unit..." -Anonymous user
PreReqs: $45
Description: You just try to actually quit playing.
Shining1 posted 02-28-99 01:03 AM ET
Non-Linear Intelligence
Level: Discover -3
Quote: "So who says you're supposed to know anything about science? Just try and sound RUSSIAN, goddamnit!" - Casting Session, datablinks.
Description: Allows your faction to sound significantly more intelligent than it looks on paper...
PawtheUnstuk posted 03-02-99 01:37 AM ET
Good one shining. The readers they have are truly awful. Esp. Yang. He's reading the quote from "looking god in the eye" as though it were a reiligous tract!
iratheous posted 03-02-99 02:11 AM ET
Tech: Un-originality
Level: Discover 0
Quotes: "They have quite a great game there! How can we steal thier idea and make an exact copy of it and toss in a couple lawyers, Televagelists and wankers?"Activision 'Secrets to avoiding ingenuity'
Tech Prerequisites: Civilization 1 & 2, Expensive slimeball lawyers, Civ the board game.
Bonuses: Stagnation of game market, +1 drone for every 1000 games sold due to poor implementation of the classics.
Description: Companies today are looking to make more and more money while doing less work. Stealing idea's from other people is the basis of this tech.
Darkheart posted 03-02-99 09:20 AM ET
Tech: Social Engenieering: Clintonism
Level: Diplomacy 4
Quote: "Indeed I did have an impromper realtionship with Miss Louinski..."
PreReqs: Money Grabbing Lawers, Spin Doctors.
Bonuses: +10 Economy +8 Corruption
Description: This tech enables you to boost your economy to super high levels with a penalty on corruption as justice can now be bought by the rich and powerful. This will not bother your populance however as they are too busy counting the money in their bulging wallets.
December Man posted 04-21-99 12:38 AM ET
Darkheart:
. . .that was hilarious. . .I'm still chuckling. . .
onepaul posted 04-26-99 11:26 AM ET
oh nothing, I'm just keeping this
funny-as-hell thread up there
JT 3 posted 04-26-99 07:27 PM ET
Tech: AOL
Level: Discover .5
Quote: "BUSY _AGAIN_?!?!?!?" Anonymous
Prerequisites: Doctrine: Confusion, Doctrine: Busy Lines
Bonuses: Adds two drones to every city
Description: A mysterious way to use the internet, reintroduces the Alpha Centauri by Morgan Industries

Tech: Bill Gates
Level: Build -4
Quotes: "This system not only runs Windows, it washes them too." Bill Gates
Prerequisites: Monopoly Distortion, Doctrine: How to drop out and still become a millionare
Bonuses: Keeps energy at 0 for the rest of the game, it's all going to new versions of Windows
Description: Some dissendants of Morgan Industries started their own company and became coporate emperors
Singularity posted 04-26-99 09:50 PM ET
tech: Secrets of Butt Fungus
level: conquer 6265783745545435674563
quote: My god Clem, how many times have I told you to wipe.
After the outbreak, earth was forever devastated, now, there is hope on Alpha Centauri. With these secrets, we can destroy the outbreak and start the epidemic.
description: all factions are erradicated when this is discovered
prerequisites: transcendent thought 59865746.
Singularity posted 04-27-99 07:14 AM ET
tech: secrets of the fungus
level: dicover 42
quote: That's some good sh*t man.
prerequisites: eudaimonia
bonuses: no drones (they're on a trip)
Aredhran posted 04-27-99 07:56 AM ET
tech: Forum Addiction
level: Discover 5
quote: "I wonder if anybody has replied to my post yet..." -Ared... er... Anonymous
prerequisites: SMAC Addiction (D4), Information Networks (D1)
bonuses: Efficiency - 1 (hitting reload every 30 seconds instead of working)
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Author	Topic: The Lost Techs Found!!! (Humour)
Scrubby	posted 02-23-99 01:24 PM ET Hey I found them, the lost techs not shown on the tech tree poster or discussed in the Datalinks! Here they are: Tech: Echinacea Level: Discover 7.5 Quotes: "Holy crap! What is this stuff?" Sister Miriam "It's ick-can-nay -- um , eee-chin-a kee, no, um, its eudaimon-- no that's not it..." Lady Deidre "Huh?" Everyone else... Tech Prerequisites: Bizarre Technical Language & Obscure Literary References Bonuses: Allows GRANOLA future society, identical to GREEN but with an additional +1 Planet and +1 research Description: Much knowledge was lost to the settlers of planet including the magic of herbal holistic medicine. Alas, not lost were game designers' proclivities toward showing off their intellect. Tech: Secrets of SMAC Level: Discover 21 Quote: "Explore. Discover. Build. Conquer. What a crock!" Anonymous PreReq: Transcendence & Employment at Firaxis Bonus: Doubles your Transcendent Thought scores Description: With the end of the Human era, the final Secret of why SMAC is not BRAC is revealed... Tech: Doctrine: Walking Level: Conquer -1 Quote: "With this rediscovery of ancient movement techniques, the Spartans will reign supreme!" Spartan Battle Manual PreReqs: Doctrine: Getting up in the Morning & Doctrine: Patting Head and Rubbing Tummy Bonuses: Infantry get +1 Movement Description: [Paraphrased from the manual, p119] "[Sure] any primitive tribesman of old Earth [could walk] but your faction can't [walk] until it discovers [Doctrine: Walking]. This isn't because [walking] works differently on Planet, it's because it takes a great deal of work, planning and inspiration [to walk]." Tech: "Reality" Level: Explore 0 Quote: "SMAC is unrealistic..." You know who you are... PreReqs: Doctrine: Common Sense & Ballpin Hammer Bonuses: Addiction to SMAC eliminated Description: With the end of the tyranny of the computer game, humans once again discover reality. Alas, it wasn't reality they wanted, it was a game. Well that's all I had time for to post. Anyone else find anything? Maybe Firaxis will put these incredibly useful techs in SMAC II: The Reckoning, their new first-person perspective real-time multi-player civilization simulator due in 2002. Hope you enjoyed the read. Flame away
Milamber	posted 02-23-99 01:48 PM ET Really good lots of fun. Sorry got to get back to laughing at this. ITS GREAT.
jsorense	posted 02-23-99 02:07 PM ET Scrubby, LOL. 3,000,000 B.C., Plains of East Africa (visualize the first scenes from 2001: A Space Odyssey). One Australopithicus afarensis to another: You know, Grok, eating bugs and seeds all day and running from leopards really sucks. Grok: Yeah, Smoog, reality bites! Let's invent a cool game and have some fun for a change.
Scrubby	posted 02-24-99 10:27 AM ET But you see, caveperson Underschaft would trundle by and complain that the game wasn't nearly real enough... the bugs and rock models weren't up to snuff... hehe j/k Undertaker and Wissenschaft
tOFfGI	posted 02-26-99 03:29 PM ET LMAO. Good points, too.
Wen_Amon	posted 02-26-99 06:47 PM ET Well done scrubby. This is some funny stuff!
Shining1	posted 02-26-99 07:35 PM ET Great stuff. But shouldn't 'Secrets of SMAC' be 'Secrets of Firaxis', instead?
SnowFire	posted 02-27-99 05:30 PM ET LOL. Excellent stuff. Let's not forget some of the techs we posted over in Random & Non-Random in the Non-SMAC related forum- I'd link it but HTML isn't allowed here in the Game forum.
cousLee	posted 02-27-99 11:27 PM ET Tech: Releaf (intentional) Level: Discover 2.2 Quote: "please don't squeeze the charmin" Prerequisite: Discover 2.1: People Paper Sources Bonus: +1 energy from forests Description: first to discover corners the market on toilet paper
Achilles	posted 02-28-99 12:24 AM ET Tech: Doctrine: Insomnia Level: pi Quotes: "Just one more turn,... ok, really, one more turn,... I'll just finish designing this unit..." -Anonymous user PreReqs: $45 Description: You just try to actually quit playing.
Shining1	posted 02-28-99 01:03 AM ET Non-Linear Intelligence Level: Discover -3 Quote: "So who says you're supposed to know anything about science? Just try and sound RUSSIAN, goddamnit!" - Casting Session, datablinks. Description: Allows your faction to sound significantly more intelligent than it looks on paper...
PawtheUnstuk	posted 03-02-99 01:37 AM ET Good one shining. The readers they have are truly awful. Esp. Yang. He's reading the quote from "looking god in the eye" as though it were a reiligous tract!
iratheous	posted 03-02-99 02:11 AM ET Tech: Un-originality Level: Discover 0 Quotes: "They have quite a great game there! How can we steal thier idea and make an exact copy of it and toss in a couple lawyers, Televagelists and wankers?"Activision 'Secrets to avoiding ingenuity' Tech Prerequisites: Civilization 1 & 2, Expensive slimeball lawyers, Civ the board game. Bonuses: Stagnation of game market, +1 drone for every 1000 games sold due to poor implementation of the classics. Description: Companies today are looking to make more and more money while doing less work. Stealing idea's from other people is the basis of this tech.
Darkheart	posted 03-02-99 09:20 AM ET Tech: Social Engenieering: Clintonism Level: Diplomacy 4 Quote: "Indeed I did have an impromper realtionship with Miss Louinski..." PreReqs: Money Grabbing Lawers, Spin Doctors. Bonuses: +10 Economy +8 Corruption Description: This tech enables you to boost your economy to super high levels with a penalty on corruption as justice can now be bought by the rich and powerful. This will not bother your populance however as they are too busy counting the money in their bulging wallets.
December Man	posted 04-21-99 12:38 AM ET Darkheart: . . .that was hilarious. . .I'm still chuckling. . .
onepaul	posted 04-26-99 11:26 AM ET oh nothing, I'm just keeping this funny-as-hell thread up there
JT 3	posted 04-26-99 07:27 PM ET Tech: AOL Level: Discover .5 Quote: "BUSY _AGAIN_?!?!?!?" Anonymous Prerequisites: Doctrine: Confusion, Doctrine: Busy Lines Bonuses: Adds two drones to every city Description: A mysterious way to use the internet, reintroduces the Alpha Centauri by Morgan Industries Tech: Bill Gates Level: Build -4 Quotes: "This system not only runs Windows, it washes them too." Bill Gates Prerequisites: Monopoly Distortion, Doctrine: How to drop out and still become a millionare Bonuses: Keeps energy at 0 for the rest of the game, it's all going to new versions of Windows Description: Some dissendants of Morgan Industries started their own company and became coporate emperors
Singularity	posted 04-26-99 09:50 PM ET tech: Secrets of Butt Fungus level: conquer 6265783745545435674563 quote: My god Clem, how many times have I told you to wipe. After the outbreak, earth was forever devastated, now, there is hope on Alpha Centauri. With these secrets, we can destroy the outbreak and start the epidemic. description: all factions are erradicated when this is discovered prerequisites: transcendent thought 59865746.
Singularity	posted 04-27-99 07:14 AM ET tech: secrets of the fungus level: dicover 42 quote: That's some good sh*t man. prerequisites: eudaimonia bonuses: no drones (they're on a trip)
Aredhran	posted 04-27-99 07:56 AM ET tech: Forum Addiction level: Discover 5 quote: "I wonder if anybody has replied to my post yet..." -Ared... er... Anonymous prerequisites: SMAC Addiction (D4), Information Networks (D1) bonuses: Efficiency - 1 (hitting reload every 30 seconds instead of working)