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Author Topic:   Poetic Feedback

Q Cubed posted 09-30-99 09:51 PM ET
Been a long time since I've posted here;
I'd like some feedback on this poem that i wrote for school, before i turn it in.
It is my intellectual property, and therefore copyrighted.
I also do not wish for this to turn into a political discussion; I just want some feedback on whether the poem is good or not.
======
- 9 -
"I have a dream,"
A brother once said.
He was great and proud,
hewn from the finest onyx.
But he was a man;
and like any other,
he was thrown
from his stand;
and like any other,
he was shattered -
as if molded from cheap glass.
"I have a dream," he said.
I had a dream once, too.
I had a dream,
One of a land of plenty.
Of a land where it was self-evident,
that all were equal before the eyes
of that maiden clad in green patina.
She was great and proud,
birthed from the bleeding tears of her fathers.
She had hope and liberty,
opportunities and love: she was a
philadelphia...
sort of,
scaled up, and far fairer.
She was noble,
modern, an
amalgamate of all the others.
"Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses,"
She said to me, "and I will let them breathe free."
That was my dream.
I had a dream,
A glorious one, at that.
But an alarm opened my eyes,
awakening me to a nightmare:
She had fallen;
kicked from her stand; a
Paradise Lost,
her dress defiled.
true freedom - restricted;
brotherhood - torn
asunder;
the promises - broken, and scattered.
What happened to my dream?
What happened to you, my Lady?
What happened to you,
fair lady in green?
Raped by intolerance
by hatred
by anger
by chaos
by fear -
I see your pained face;
I hear your cries;
I taste your tears;
I touch your tattered rags;
What happened to you?
What happened to us?
What happened to the American Dream?
sir_penguin posted 09-30-99 09:56 PM ET
(cough, hack) Wow, I wish I'd thought of that. In my inexpert opinion, that's an amazing poem. And I don't think you have to worry about what the teacher has to say on it, because it's yours.
SP
Q Cubed posted 09-30-99 10:03 PM ET
Thank you...
forgot that the UBB messes up the spacing, though.
some of those lines should be indented...(sigh) oh well.
LdZpln posted 10-01-99 02:24 PM ET
I'm not an American, but it is a wonderful piece of work. I even read it twice, I enjoyed it so much.
LdZpln
OhWell posted 10-01-99 03:11 PM ET
Thought provoking and touching. Liked it in spite of the spacing�
Q Cubed posted 10-01-99 11:28 PM ET
version 2, with the same spacing problem.
======
- 9 -
"I have a dream,"
A brother once said.
He was great and proud,
hewn from the finest onyx.
But he was a man;
and like any other,
he was thrown
from his stand;
and like any other,
he was shat
tered -
as if molded from cheap glass.
"I have a dream," he said.
I had a dream once, too.
I had a dream,
One of a land of plenty.
Of a land where it was self-evident,
that all were equal before the eyes
of that maiden clad in green patina.
She was great and proud,
birthed from the bleeding tears of her fathers.
She had hope and liberty,
opportunities and love: she was a
philadelphia...
sort of,
scaled up, and far fairer.
She was noble,
modern, an
amalgamate of all the others.
"Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses,"
She said to me, "and I will let them breathe free."
That was my dream.
I had a dream,
A glorious one, at that.
But an alarm opened my eyes,
awakening me to a nightmare:
She had fallen;
knocked from grace; the
Garden desecrated,
her dress defiled.
true freedom - enslaved;
brotherhood - torn
asunder;
the promises - broken, and scattered.
What happened to my dream?
What happened to you, my Lady?
What happened to you,
lovely Lady in green?
Raped by intolerance
by hatred
by anger
by chaos
by fear -
I see your pained face
your crimson tears
your tattered rags;
I hear your wailing cries
your bitter moans
your anguished sobs;
What happened to you?
What happened to us?
What happened to the American Dream?
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Author	Topic: Poetic Feedback
Q Cubed	posted 09-30-99 09:51 PM ET Been a long time since I've posted here; I'd like some feedback on this poem that i wrote for school, before i turn it in. It is my intellectual property, and therefore copyrighted. I also do not wish for this to turn into a political discussion; I just want some feedback on whether the poem is good or not. ====== - 9 - "I have a dream," A brother once said. He was great and proud, hewn from the finest onyx. But he was a man; and like any other, he was thrown from his stand; and like any other, he was shattered - as if molded from cheap glass. "I have a dream," he said. I had a dream once, too. I had a dream, One of a land of plenty. Of a land where it was self-evident, that all were equal before the eyes of that maiden clad in green patina. She was great and proud, birthed from the bleeding tears of her fathers. She had hope and liberty, opportunities and love: she was a philadelphia... sort of, scaled up, and far fairer. She was noble, modern, an amalgamate of all the others. "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses," She said to me, "and I will let them breathe free." That was my dream. I had a dream, A glorious one, at that. But an alarm opened my eyes, awakening me to a nightmare: She had fallen; kicked from her stand; a Paradise Lost, her dress defiled. true freedom - restricted; brotherhood - torn asunder; the promises - broken, and scattered. What happened to my dream? What happened to you, my Lady? What happened to you, fair lady in green? Raped by intolerance by hatred by anger by chaos by fear - I see your pained face; I hear your cries; I taste your tears; I touch your tattered rags; What happened to you? What happened to us? What happened to the American Dream?
sir_penguin	posted 09-30-99 09:56 PM ET (cough, hack) Wow, I wish I'd thought of that. In my inexpert opinion, that's an amazing poem. And I don't think you have to worry about what the teacher has to say on it, because it's yours. SP
Q Cubed	posted 09-30-99 10:03 PM ET Thank you... forgot that the UBB messes up the spacing, though. some of those lines should be indented...(sigh) oh well.
LdZpln	posted 10-01-99 02:24 PM ET I'm not an American, but it is a wonderful piece of work. I even read it twice, I enjoyed it so much. LdZpln
OhWell	posted 10-01-99 03:11 PM ET Thought provoking and touching. Liked it in spite of the spacing�
Q Cubed	posted 10-01-99 11:28 PM ET version 2, with the same spacing problem. ====== - 9 - "I have a dream," A brother once said. He was great and proud, hewn from the finest onyx. But he was a man; and like any other, he was thrown from his stand; and like any other, he was shat tered - as if molded from cheap glass. "I have a dream," he said. I had a dream once, too. I had a dream, One of a land of plenty. Of a land where it was self-evident, that all were equal before the eyes of that maiden clad in green patina. She was great and proud, birthed from the bleeding tears of her fathers. She had hope and liberty, opportunities and love: she was a philadelphia... sort of, scaled up, and far fairer. She was noble, modern, an amalgamate of all the others. "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses," She said to me, "and I will let them breathe free." That was my dream. I had a dream, A glorious one, at that. But an alarm opened my eyes, awakening me to a nightmare: She had fallen; knocked from grace; the Garden desecrated, her dress defiled. true freedom - enslaved; brotherhood - torn asunder; the promises - broken, and scattered. What happened to my dream? What happened to you, my Lady? What happened to you, lovely Lady in green? Raped by intolerance by hatred by anger by chaos by fear - I see your pained face your crimson tears your tattered rags; I hear your wailing cries your bitter moans your anguished sobs; What happened to you? What happened to us? What happened to the American Dream?