Alpha Centauri Forums
Non-SMAC related
The Long Branch Saloon is now open for business.
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Alpha Centauri Forums
Non-SMAC related
The Long Branch Saloon is now open for business.
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| Author | Topic: The Long Branch Saloon is now open for business. |
| jsorense |
posted 08-30-99 07:33 PM ET  
Howdy partners, ACOL has The Pub and Firaxis.com has the I-Club. I thought I would give this a go to see if there is any interest. This is saloon inspired by the one in the old TV show, "Gun Smoke." The time period is approximately AD 1880 somewhere west of the Missouri and north of the Rio Grande. The saloon is equipped with a long fully stocked bar, roulette wheel, craps table, stage, dance hall women, barkeeps, drunks, gun fighters, etc. etc. The saloon is located in a town complete with blacksmith/livery stable, corral, general store, undertaker, marshal's office/jail, etc, and a main street just made for shootouts. Opening scene: An old coot by the name of jsorense is leaning back in his chair on the boardwalk in front of the Long Branch Saloon. He is whittling a stick with a Bowie knife and taking dangerously poor aim at a brass spittoon with a jet of brown liquid. "Sure is quite in this two horse town." Observes jsorense wiping a dribble of 'baccy juice off his chin. P.S. How many old "TV Western" characters can you name? Marshal Dillon, Chester, Doc, Miss Kitty. |
| Krushala |
posted 08-30-99 09:04 PM ET
Unfortunately the way things have been around here it might close due to lack of business. but put me down for a wild turkey. just put it on my tab. |
| OldWarrior_42 |
posted 08-30-99 10:08 PM ET
Dont forget Festus. |
| OldWarrior_42 |
posted 08-30-99 10:10 PM ET
And maybe later on we can go out and kill some more Injuns and steal more land...we need it.(Sarcasm,in case anyone was interested) |
| Koshko |
posted 08-30-99 11:17 PM ET
Uh, F-Troop? |
| Spider |
posted 08-30-99 11:27 PM ET
"Actually, it's effectively a seven horse town...at least, this mess is only safe at five er less." "Who said that?" yelled jsorense, looking around. "I did." came the reply from within a pile of metal that was, surprisingly, moving. "The name's Spider; I'm an inventor. This here's my steam crawler. The top speed's 25 miles an hour, but it'll blow up if'n I run it thet fast long. If Ah want it ta stay in one piece, it's gotta be slow as a slug. It's built around a steam engine;" at this point, jsorense got lost. "Spare me the details." jsorense snapped, somewhat annoyed. "All right. Hang on while Ah find the hatch...ah, there it is!" As Spider climbed out, jsorense got a good look at the "inventor" (a term of which he had only the vaguest understanding) for the first time; this "Spider" looked mighty sickly; he must not've done all that much work, despite the size of the "crawler". "Did you build that all by yourself?" asked jsorense. "No, but I can repair it on my own if I must." replied Spider. "Now, where do I park this thing? Ah, never mind, I'll take it round the back." With that he climbed back in and brought the ponderous bulk of the crawler to bear on a nearby lot providing access to the back of that side of the street and deftly pulled the crawler up alongside the saloon, climbed out, and trudged into the saloon. "Gimme a nice, stiff drink; I need it after thet trip." Spider |
| Beta1 |
posted 08-31-99 05:24 AM ET
...Inside the bar the debris from last nights "entertainment" still litters the room. Over in the corner two boots sticking out from under a pile of tables is what passes for Beta-1, possible the worst bar room brawler in the world. .... |
| OhWell |
posted 08-31-99 07:45 AM ET
As a shadow falls across jsorense he looks up to see a tall dark stranger dressed in black riding a large black stallion slowly down main street. As the stranger approaches jsorense realizes that there is another horse trailing behind the stallion. The second horse has three bodies draped over it�s back. Jsorense hears some faint music, something like. Dodalado, wah wah wah The stranger stops in front of jsorense and climbs down from his horse casually flipping the reins over a rail. He tilts back his hat revealing steel gray eyes that swivel to lock on to jsorense with machine like precession. In a voice as gravely as a dry riverbed the stranger asks �got a sheriff here?� |
| jsorense |
posted 08-31-99 11:07 AM ET
The sight of a giant steam powered spider-like locomotive walking down main street and deftly parking in the back of the saloon caused jsorense to swallow hard having forgotten the slimy plug of tobacco in his mouth. "Cough, gag, wreck." Uttered jsorense as a tall dark flinty stranger with no name road into town. "Got a sheriff here?" growled the deep voice trying to be heard over the funky '60s background music. "Howdy stranger. The sheriff is out with the posse looking for Black Bart and his gang. Looks like you found Bart first." Smiled jsorense pointing at the stack of bodies. "Good work, let me buy you a drink, name your poison." Offered jsorense as he walked through the swinging doors and stumbled over a pile of broken tables and chairs that hid the battered, drunk and sleeping Beta-1. In side Spider was already at the bar eyeing the bottle of "red eye" suspiciously. "Hey, barkeep, why are there rattlesnake heads in this bottle?" Asked the weary mechanical genius. "Ummm, they're there to scare off evil spirits. Yeah, that's the ticket." Mumbled the chastised bartender. [Ben, Adam, Hoss, Little Joe Cartwright & Hop Sing] |
| OhWell |
posted 08-31-99 01:10 PM ET
The stranger, following jsorense into the saloon, pauses at the doors and stands motionless, only his eyes flickering about the room coming to rest on an empty table in the corner. The stranger strides with a gliding almost ethereal grace and sits at the table. After a few seconds he removes his hat and lays it on the table. Meanwhile, jsorense walks back out to examine the bodies slung over the packhorse. He lifts the head of the first; �Yep, that�s Black Bart all right.� Then his eyes widen as he sees a single bullet hole precisely between Black Bart�s eyes. He quickly examines the other two bodies finding almost identical wounds. He steps back quickly, dropping the head of the last man, �Jesus!� he mutters. Back inside the saloon, the stranger�s eyes track the bartender as he walks over to the table. The bartender stops and asks a little nervously �err, what will it be?� The stranger continues to examine the bartender for a few seconds and says �whisky�. |
| Beta1 |
posted 08-31-99 03:08 PM ET
"Whisky? Did somebody say whisky?" Beta-1 struggles out from under a broken table, blood trickling from a gash running from his jaw to his eye. He rubs his three days of stubble. "Christ I only said the Doc's mother looks like a horse. Hey - its jsorense ins't it. I heard you we're faster than a toilet door stop in rattlesnake country, ah just kidding - I don't want any trouble" He looks around, "Well, any more trouble anyway" He picks his hat of the floor. "Anyway I cant hang around here all day yacking, some of us have jobs to do" He walks towards the door. Only then does jsorense notice the six guns hanging from Beta-1's belt. The finest looking pair of guns he's seen in a long time. The barman turns to jsorense. "That Beta-1, you would think he'd have learnt by now. He may be crap with his fists but he's one of the finest gunslingers in the territory. But I've not seen him fire a shot in anger for many a year." As he reachs the door Beta-1's eyes narrow. "What the...." Beta-1 |
| Spider |
posted 08-31-99 05:51 PM ET
No, no, no. Spider is the name of the pilot of the crawler; the crawler itself looks like a giant slug. Anyway, back tothe story.... "Gimme a Tiger Bone." said Spider. "And I'll prob'ly want some Four-Eye Monongahela after thet." |
| jsorense |
posted 08-31-99 06:45 PM ET
Spider, Sorry about that, for some reason I flashed on Wild Wild West. Back to our story: The Lone Ranger and Tanto come walking up the street in a heated argument. "Give it a rest will ya? OK, I'll get you some nice beads and mirrors and trinkets at the end of the month. I'll even throw in a bunch of small pox infected blankets because I am such a good guy. Just take a look at this nice white hat." Wheedled the L.R. "If you think I fall for that caca than you have another thing coming, maric�n. I want my money and I want it now or you really will the lone ranger and cooking your own beans too!" With that statement Tanto turned on his moccasins walked silently away quickly disappearing into the chaparral. |
| OldWarrior_42 |
posted 09-01-99 04:05 AM ET
Sorry jsorense...I didnt know this was going to be a story thread and I ruined it earlier with my stupidity and again now in explaining myself to you. Again I am very sorry, my bad. |
| jsorense |
posted 09-01-99 11:06 AM ET
Out of the east with the raising sun just climbing the horizon a large dust trail could be seen. After a while a large lumbering wagon drawn by six laboring mules entered town. The wagon was stacked high with buffalo skins and at the reins of the mule team was a weather-beaten man of indiscernible age dressed in an often patched Civil War army uniform and cradling a Hawken in his arms. The mule team and wagon groaned down the street where it stopped in front of the livery stable. The driver nibble jumped down and started to unharness the team. "Who the heck is that?" asked Beta-1 fingering his low slung six-shooters nerveously. "Don't you know who that is?" asked Krushala sipping his 3 fingers of Wild Turkey. "That is none other than OldWarrior_42. He was a hero in the War Between the States. Came out west with Custer to fight Injuns. They say he couldn't cotton what the army was doing to the Sioux and Cheyenne so he quit just before the Little Bighorn campaign." Offered the knowledgeable Lone Ranger. "They say started drinking after the massacree. Been a buffalo hunter ever since. Ain't seen much of him in these parts. He used to partner with Johnny Yuma, you know, the Rebel, but they say he's been riding alone for years. I hear there was trouble between them over some foreign lady, Nell was her name, I think." Expounded jsorense as he sent another stream of brown liquid in a random direction. |
| OhWell |
posted 09-01-99 01:39 PM ET
Six riders come galloping into town. The leader slides to a stop next to the stranger�s packhorse and jumps off. �That�s Black Bart�s Brother!� exclaims Spider. BBB lifts Black Bart�s head and looks into his dead eyes. �Noooooo!� He whirls to face the crowd. �WHO KILLED MY BROTHER?!!� he howls as he draws his gun. �That would be me.� growls the stranger who is casually leaning against the saloon doorway. �THEN SAY YOUR PRAYERS �CAUSE YOU�VE SEEN YOUR LAST SUNRISE!� shouts BBB as he and his men start towards the street. �Your funeral� comments the stranger softly. The crowd scatters as the six outlaws and the stranger walk to the middle of Main Street. Beta-1 turns to the undertaker and quips �better start one more casket�. As the outlaws spread out and face the stranger in the middle of the street BBB says �You ready to die now?� In response the stranger just slides back his long black coat to reveal a black holster with a six-gun. Although the gun is dead black too, it seems to glow with some internal light. �DRAW� shouts BBB as he reaches for his gun. Before any of the outlaws guns even clear their holsters, the strangers black gun appears in his hand so fast it seems as magic. Six shots ring out so close together that there is only one sound. jsorense stares in disbelief at the stranger who is casually reloading his gun, not even bothering to watch as the bodies hit the ground. jsorense turns to the undertaker �better make that six caskets.� he says shakily. jsorense walks out to the stranger. �Man, there were SIX of them! You would have been in trouble if you had missed, you only had six shots!� The stranger, regarding jsorense out of the corner of his eye, says, �never miss.� �Who in the hell ARE you anyway?� demands jsorense. The stranger reaches into a vest pocket with two fingers and hands jsorense a small white card. Jsorense looks down at the card and sees the horse head of a knight chess peace and the words �Have gun, will travel�. Below that is a name� �OhWell�. |
| Beta1 |
posted 09-01-99 01:42 PM ET
That evening.... jsorense, spider and old warrior sit in the saloon playing poker. jsorense wins another round. Beta-1 lies slumped in a corner - once again he's found comfort in the bottle... The lone ranger runs into the bar startling spider sending his drink and his cards across the table. "He's dead, he's dead! Someones killed Jeff Moris!" As the crowd from the bar empties into the moonlit street Beta-1 strugles to his feet. "My guns! where are my guns?" |
| Beta1 |
posted 09-01-99 01:43 PM ET
That evening.... jsorense, spider and old warrior sit in the saloon playing poker. jsorense wins another round. Beta-1 lies slumped in a corner - once again he's found comfort in the bottle... The lone ranger runs into the bar startling spider sending his drink and his cards across the table. "He's dead, he's dead! Someones killed Jeff Moris!" As the crowd from the bar empties into the moonlit street Beta-1 strugles to his feet. "My guns! where are my guns?" |
| jsorense |
posted 09-01-99 08:06 PM ET
As the somewhat drunken crowd milled about the moonlit street with each person wondering who the heck was Jeff Moris, why he was killed and who put the burr under the Lone Ranger's saddle jsorense slipped away in the direction of the jail. Since jsorense had no visible means of support accept for playing cribbage at a penny a point in the saloon he had an informal arrangement with the sheriff. He could sleep in the drunk tank if it wasn't already occupied by Beta-1. "Evenun' jsorense, how was you game tonight?" asked Sheriff Pat Garrett. "Evenun' sheriff. I won 15 cents off of that tinhorn Spider and OldWarrior_42 before that masked idiot ranger broke up the game." Explained jsorense as he walked over to the pot-bellied stove and poured himself a cup of coffee so old and strong it could have passed for expresso. "He, he, he. That ranger, what a showman, I hear he runs a bawdyhouse over in Silver City." Added the sheriff with a wink. "What do you think of that new feller, OhWell? I ain't never seen nobody shoot like that." Declared jsorense shaking his head either from the awful coffee or the supernatural-like shooting by the paladin in black. "Let me tell you something jsorense. Don't go crossin' OhWell. He'll shoot yor no good eyes out before you can think about drawin'. Warned the sheriff. "Aw sheriff. You know I don't shoot so good. That's why I only use a scatter gun." Finished jsorense as he wandered over to a cell and stretched out on one of the bunks and instantly fell asleep filling the air with snoring that sounded like a buzz saw hitting iron. |
| Spider |
posted 09-01-99 11:59 PM ET
Spider wandered into the jail, following jsorense to try to collect the buck he won off jsorense. "Whar's my money?" Spider yelled, not very convincingly, at least until he brought out a steam-powered gun that looked big enough to waste the entire crowd outside (which wasn't a bad estimate of its power at all). The gun was obviously steam-powered, because it had a pressure gauge on the pipe leading from the onboard tank to the rear of the barrel...and the gauge was almost off the scale! "I-I don't have your money!" pleaded jsorense. "Don't move a muscle." said Spider, quite calmly...and then he fired the gun barely over jsorense's head, through the jail wall, and into an innocent bystander, who just happened to be wearing a red shirt, thus starting the long tradition of killing redshirts. "Now, do you have the money or not?" At this point, the sheriff spoke up, saying, "He doesn't have your money. He sleeps here because he hasn't got enough money to stay anywhere else." "Oh, all right. But he's still got to give me the 15 cents he's got." To be continued by someone else.... |
| OhWell |
posted 09-02-99 08:16 AM ET
Everyone turns as the door to the sheriff�s office opens and OhWell walks in. He steps up to the sheriff and says �I�m here for the bounty on Black Bart�. The sheriff opens his safe and counts out 25 $20 gold pieces and hands them to OhWell. OhWell puts the gold coins in a small leather pouch and looks the sheriff in the eyes. �Black Bart had murdered Jeff Morris. His wife and kids will need this. See that she gets it.� OhWell hands the pouch to the sheriff and turns to go. OhWell pauses by the door and pulls a silver dollar out of his vest pocket. He turns and takes Spiders hand placing the coin in his palm and says softly �Leave jsorense alone. Don�t approve of unnecessary killing.� and continues out the door. jsorense runs out the door to thank the strange gunfighter, but finds the street empty. He notices that the black stallion is gone too. jsorense tilts his hat back and muses �well I�ll be�� |
| OhWell |
posted 09-02-99 03:13 PM ET
jsorense walks slowly back into the sheriff�s office shaking his head. He looks at the sheriff and asks, �Who in the hell was that guy? You seemed to know him!� The sheriff looks down at the floor ��Who in the hell�� Funny you should put it that way.� He pours a cup of coffee and sits down with a far away look in his eyes. After a few minutes he begins to speak; �It all started back before the war. OhWell was a sheriff in a small town. Did a good job, was a fair man and kept the peace. When the war started he was enlisted in the Union army as a lieutenant. He was decorated in several early battles and eventually was promoted to Captain.� The sheriff pauses. After taking a drink of his coffee and collecting his thoughts he continues; �Shortly before the battle of Gettysburg, he got word that his family had been killed by a band of rebel deserters. His wife raped and killed. He was crazy with grief. He asked his General for a leave to hunt down these men. The General refused. OhWell left anyway. He didn�t find the rebels before the Union army found him. Desertion is a hangin� offence. Especially for an officer. They court marshaled him and hung him.� The sheriff sits quietly for several minutes thinking. �That much is true.� He continues. �What happened next is strange. When they went to burry him, the body wasn�t there.� He shakes his head. �Some say that, when St. Peter came to take him up to heaven, he refused to go with his family un-avenged. That he made a deal with the Devil for Power to come back and deal with his family�s killers. In return, he was supposed to �harvest� souls for the Devil. Well, they did find the rebel deserters. Each one with a bullet hole between his eyes.� �They say that then OhWell double crossed the Devil. That instead of �harvesting� souls that he only kills those that need killing, the Devils� own. He does that to try to keep them from hurting good people. Oh, the Devil is surely unhappy with this state of affairs. OhWell using the Devils� Power to kill the Devils� own minions before their �time�. The sheriff chuckles softly. �Problem is that each time OhWell uses the Power it�s a little weaker. Some day it will be gone and then the Devil will come for him and the Devil won�t be happy.� The sheriff finishes soberly. �Of course others say that OhWell�s body was taken by men from his old unit and that it�s really his brother that killed the rebels and stalks the west today.� States the sheriff. �But that�s not near as interesting a story.� |
| jsorense |
posted 09-02-99 04:35 PM ET
Another dawn broke across the open prairie and flooded the town with warm light. The dogs barked and the roosters crowed as the townspeople shook off their dreams in order to face a new day in a new life. The undertaker was pleased as he sawed and planed pine boards for nine cheap coffins. The sheriff was pleased because Spider had just made a pot of fresh coffee, Black Bart's gang was broken up and he got to tell old stories all night long. Spider was happy because he had won a dollar playing cards. Unfortunately he had spent five on drinks so he was still in the red. However he was contemplating opening a laundry with his portable steam cannon. Beta-1 had found his guns again. One of the dance hall women, who had a soft spot for him had hidden them in her room. Beta-1 was happy too. (wink, wink) OldWarrior_42 was watering his mules. He hadn't been in a good mood since he had left St. Louis so many years ago. The Lone Ranger wasn't happy either. Tonto was still MIA and the masked man was hungry and couldn't find his horse, Hi Ho Silver, either. And, no, jsorense wasn't very happy either. Spider had shot at him, OhWell had scared him, the flea bitten bunk had bitten him and worse of all the sheriff had kept him up all night with ghost stories. "Sheeeesh, those tales gave me the willies!" mumbled jsorense as he took a generous bite out of his tobacco plug. "I guess I'll mosey on over to the Long Branch and have Cookie rustle me up some grub." Muttered the optimistic jsorense as he crossed the street. The figure of OhWell watched the townspeople intently, almost longinly, from his rocky lookout. In his hand was a battered and scratched daguerreotype of a young family on some forgotten Kansas homestead. A tear almost broke from those flint gray eyes. |
| Spider |
posted 09-02-99 11:10 PM ET
"Who's the mayor of this town?" Spider asked jsorense. "Well," replied jsorense, "I suppose...I am. Why?" "Good. I need the lot I parked the crawler on. I'm going to set up a weapons shop, and I'll need that lot, plus wood and water for the boiler and the occasional cartload of silica sand...it's really fine stuff, almost a powder." said Spider, noticing that he lost jsorense at "silica". "Don't worry, I can sort it out; there's a big deposit half a mile out of town, in the direction from which I came." Somewhat stunned, jsorense handed over the deed to the lot...after a blast of steam (from sufficient range that it lost its scouring power) hit his face and woke him up again. OOC: The crawler has now been converted into a weapons shop, and I'm selling steam-powered guns, plus the solid slugs they fire. The guns range from the shotgun, with 7 barrels, one centered and six pointing slightly away from the center, to the "pistol", the model I fired over jsorense's head back in the jail. I expect to bring in big bucks from this; my guns are the most powerful for their prices, which compare favorably to most normal guns of each type. I also do custom jobs; I am the Domingo Montoya of the gun world, but I will not be done in so easily as he was; he was unskilled with his creations, and never carried one himself, where I am a crack shot with one of my guns, and always carry at least a "pistol" when I'm not in the crawler's cockpit (the only thing remaining of the crawler, aside from the boiler and the defenses) or when the defenses are on automatic. Yes, the espresso maker is still connected; I'm charging rent to the saloon for its continued installation, and if they refuse, I'll start selling espresso in the gun shop. Eventually, I'll build a DA1-01 and use that to haul supplies. Got that? |
| jsorense |
posted 09-03-99 03:07 PM ET
The blast from Spider's steam cannon had a surprising affect on jsorense, the unofficial mayor of the town with no name. Months of accumulated grime were blasted of his skin and hair. His dirty gray clothing was cleaned and no longer gray. Even his boots looked newly shined. jsorense watch Spider retire toward the transformed crawler. "That shor is one strange feller." Commented jsorense as he picked up his newly cleaned and blocked bowler and placed it on his head at a unusually jaunty angle just in time to see an old cook wagon and two outriders appear out of the dry gulch on the other end of the town. The riders and wagon slowly clattered, rattled and clanged their way up the street and halted in front of jsorense. The older and more weather beaten of the two riders spoke first. "Morning. By the look of your hat you must be the mayor of this town. My name is Gill Favor. I'm the trail boss of a herd of long horns we're driving up to the railhead in Dodge City. This here young cowpoke is Rowdy Yeats and that old-timer in the wagon is our cook, Wishbone." Introduced the veteran cowpuncher. jsorense squinted at the trio of drovers in front of him and let go another stream of 'baccy juice. "You vaqueros ain't gunna go and shoot up our town are ya?" Asked jsorense. "No mayor, we are just passin' through and thought we could buy some vittles." Reassued the tough trail boss. "I guess that's OK then. You can git everything you need over there at the Walmart. They're prices are good too." Replied jsorense pointing to a large warehouse-like building just down the street. "Much obliged mayor. I have just one more request. Where can a rugged cowboy get a good espresso in this town?" Inquired the amiable Texan. |
| JohnIII |
posted 09-07-99 05:29 PM ET
I think I'll wait until this place has some life in it first  John III |
| jsorense |
posted 09-07-99 06:45 PM ET
John III, dressed in the height of London fashion, stepped off the stagecoach in front of the Long Branch Saloon just missing a large pile of mule droppings. Still quite oblivious of his situation John III sniffed a few times and made a face before climbing back on the stage. "I think I'll wait until this place has some life in it first." He sneered in his aristocratic Oxford accent. As usual jsorense was leaning back in his chair on the boardwalk in front of the Long Branch Saloon. "Dude!" He spat in disgust taking one more poorly aimed squirt of brown liquid at a filthy brass spittoon as he watched the stagecoach leave in a cloud of dust and a faint whiff of some decadent eau-du-toilette. |
| Spider |
posted 09-07-99 09:55 PM ET
"He'll be back." said Spider, lifting a large pipe to his shoulder, attaching a tube from a tank on his back, and dropping in a chunk of metal. "Trust me, he'll be back." With a screaming noise, a cloud of steam shot out of the pipe, with the chunk of metal at the front...a couple seconds later, both wheels on one side of the stagecoach exploded, tipping the stage onto its side and hurling John III out the door, forcing him to walk back to town. OOC: Sorry I've been gone lately; I've been in Earth orbit. Join ACOL, if you haven't already, to get more info. |
| jsorense |
posted 09-08-99 12:43 PM ET
OOC: Hi Spider, I post on ACOL occasionally. On the whole it is a little too chatty and any interesting threads are quickly buried. Come around any time. |
| Natguy |
posted 09-09-99 06:31 PM ET
While they were watching the aristocrat walk back, they noticed something else cralw out from the wreckage. A tall, pale, thin youth emerged. Shuddering at the thought of scropions and other large arachnids living in this land, he brushed himself off and hurried towards the two watching townsfolk. After passing John III, he approached Spider and jsorence. "My, er, stage coach, uh, has, er, well, broken," stuttered the youth in an annoying voice that seemed to break at the worst possible moments ( "Well, I reckon there be," drawled jsorence, "but fist I wanna knows who you are." "Espresso?" broke in Spider. "My name is ::cough:: Natguy" stammered the youth. "I was riding along when suddenly the coach, er, broke." At that moment John III finally arrived and, after casting a scornful look at Natguy, he whirled around and leveled him with a single kick to his frail neck. Spider and jsorence jumped to their feet a Natguy crumpled to the dusty street. "What wus that fur?!" bellowed jsorence. "He was in my way," said John III disdainfully. "So I got rid of him." "Well... that ain't nice." John III was about to reply when a drunked Beta-1 staggered out from the saloon. "What ar yoo (hic) doin' here?" he slurred. "Never mind, don't ansser. I'll (hic) see to the kid. (hic)" As Beta-1 dragged the unconcious Natguy inside, jsorence and John III continued their conversation.
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| jsorense |
posted 09-09-99 07:47 PM ET
Ignoring the thread-bear bumpkin and the oily mechanic in front of the saloon John III brushed some invisible dust off his Savoy Row plaid suit and white spats feigning not to notice the bevy of women leaning out the upstairs windows of the dance hall reveling more than expected in polite society as they calculated how much this tenderfoot was packing. John III sneered one more time and sauntered in the direction of the hotel. Spider shook his head with disdain and joined Wishbone, Rowdy Yeats and Gil Favor at the espresso bar. "That dude is trouble. You coming jsorense?" he asked with a slight jittery trembling in his hands. "Nope!" responded jsorense in the monosyllabic response all good westerners used whenever possible. He then ambled over to the blacksmith's shop to watch the reconstruction of the stagecoach. There wasn't much other entertainment in town until sundown. Meanwhile in a small woodshed that also served as Beta-1's living quarters Doc was examining the unconscious lanky youth. "Hic, is NatGuy gunna be OK Doc?" The over-the-hill gunfighter asked. "He's still a young'un Beta-1, he'll heal fast. That's morn' I can say for you. Why don't you stop drinkin' an git a holt of yerself. You used to be somebody." Preached the cantankerous old leach. "You know why!" responded Beta-1 with tears in his eyes. |
| sir_penguin |
posted 09-12-99 12:46 AM ET
Late that night, JohnIII walked out into the middle of the town's one street to glare at whatever he could find. After a couple of hours he ran out of things to be rude to, and started back into the Inn. All of a sudden, he heard a high whine coming from the sky above. Having found something new to sneer at, JohnIII glanced with an up-turned lip at the sky. For a fraction of a second, something blotted out the stars. * * * * * * * * * * Beta-1 woke up to a loud noise, but seeing no-one with a pair of Smith&Wessons in their hands, returned to his drunked stupor. * * * * * * * * * * The next day, as usual, Spider was the first one up. He had his cup of coffee and left his workshop. What he saw out there killed his caffeine buzz completely. It suprised him so much that he yelped, jumped backwards, and fired off his steam-powered gun. "Damn!" he said. "Who's gonna pay for that?" Shrugging off the events of the morning, Spider turned to go in the Long Branch Saloon. On the way, he noticed two people lying on the street. One he recognised as the 'crat, JohnIII. The other was a Stranger. "Hmmm," he hmmmed to himself, "the second Stranger in as many days, seems to be a good week." 'Twas then that he noticed the Stranger's shiney clean garments. From personal experience, Spider knew that a night in the middle of a dusty Western street didn't leave one's clothes spit-shone. He walked up to the Stranger and shook him awake. "You owe me 25 dollars, pardner," he said to the man, noticing his pair of monacles, decoratively attached in the middle. Reaching into JohnIII's pocket, the Stranger took out the correct change and handed it to Spider. "Sir Penguin's the name, pardner, any friends I might find can call me SP. I come on the trail of my pappy's killer, Black Bart's Brother's Second Hand Man. I were out yonder when my harse ran me into un'r cacti. Was thrown down on this here sack o' p'taters, lucky for my coccux. Boy don't look too good." "Ah," said Spider, "an articulated cowboy...who'd'a thunk it. Somebody to talk to at last! You see them silica beds down the road there? Perdy fine stuff..." * * * * * * * * * * Meanwhile, the Lone Ranger was out on the street, yelling, "TONTO!!!" The faint answer came back "Don't you Tonto me, you sunuva!" "You come out here RIGHT NOW or I'll Tonto you a second time!" This exchange woke everybody up, so that all of the characters can be ready and awake for somebody to continue with... |
| Natguy |
posted 09-13-99 07:55 PM ET
As the townsfolk wandered back onto teh streets, they were surprised to find a man in a hot air balloon takin of in the square. "Just takin' it back up to the top. folks," called out the strange balloonist. |
| jsorense |
posted 09-15-99 05:10 PM ET
A hot west wind blew dust and tumbleweeds down Main Street. Dry bushes rattled like ancient bones and through the bars of the jail cell a harmonica played a mournful hymn. The large hot air balloon billowed in a oven-like blast and rapidly faded away into the distant sky its pilot desperately attempting to gain control. Meanwhile down in the gully at the edge of town gunshots rang out: BLAM! BLAM! "Oh crap, I missed again." Swore Natguy. "That's OK young'un. Let me show you once more." Said Beta-1 as he quickly reloaded on of his Smith&Wessons and sent six quick shots in the general direction of an empty whiskey bottle that was propped up as a target just as the Lone Ranger rode up on a white gelding. "Have either of you two seen a faithful Indian scout around here?" Asked the masked man. Beta-1 and Natguy crossed their fingers behind their backs and, trying desperately to keep straight faces and snickering as they assured the lawman that they hadn't. On the other side of town jsorense was walking into the sagebrush to "see a man about a horse" after winning $25 off the new stranger, Sir Penguin, during a marathon cribbage game. jsorense had celebrated his winnings by buying a round of drinks at the Long Branch Saloon. That was why he wasn't paying as close attention to where he was going as he should have been. "Aaaaaiiiiiiiieeeeeeee!!!!!!" Bleated jsorense as he fell down an ancient alien borehore. |
| Natguy |
posted 09-16-99 04:18 PM ET
As the Lone Ranger turned back around to look for Tonto, Natguy prepared again to try and shoot the bottle. Taking aim, he closed his eyes and fired. With his eyes still closed, Natguy heard a loud crash. He opened his eyes to see the Lone Ranger lying on the ground, moaning softly. With another exclamation of his prfanity of choice, "Crap", he and Beta-1 sauntered over to where the Lone Ranger lay gasping on the ground. "N-n-n-atguy" he gasped, looking rather like a fish, "Natguy...you - you - got me!" "Yeah, er, oops" stuttered the youth. "Well, this is an interesting turn of events. You've killed on of the main characters. That was really, really stupid," croaked out the Lone Ranger, then died. "Oh, no! What's gonna (voice breaks) happen to me?" wailed Natguy. "No, no, no!" said Beta-1. That's not how it's done. "HEY LONE RANGER! WAKE UP, WE'RE GONNA DO THAT PART AGAIN!" "Okay" said the resurrected Lone Ranger. "Okay now, Natguy, try it again," said Beta-1. "And do it right this time!" "Okay" said Natguy. THen suddenly he pressed his heel into the Rangers throat, leaned down, glaring, and said, "When you find the Devil, tell him Natguy sent you!...Better?" "Much!" wheezed the Lone Ranger, then died.
"Idiot shoulda watched where he was watchin'" grumbled Spider. "That thing's been here fer thousends a' years." "Yes," concurred Sir Penguin. "Oh, would you care to play a game of cribbage?" "Oooh, cribbage! Fun!" cried Spider. |
| sir_penguin |
posted 09-16-99 09:58 PM ET
Tonto stormed cockyishly into the saloon. He jumped on the surprised Natguy. "Thank you, thank you, Natguy!" He said thankingly. "I can now finally go free and roam the desert freely now!" 'What a strange thing to say,' thought Beta-1, who was sitting on the bar, swinging his legs and fiddling with two of his six shooters. "At last I am rid of that bugger Silver! I mean, the bloody guy named his bloody horse after his bloody self! When we was in New York he stood on a parapat and yelled profanities at passing by kniggets." "Uh, Tonto, you're starting to talk like an 1870s British teen. Aren't you supposed to be a 'Noble Savage' or something?" "Shut your bleeding hole, you bleeding fascist!" expounded Tonto, running to his room. Sir Penguin just sat there, staring blanky (as is his wont), trying to help Spider to forget about the cribbage game they were playing, which Spider was winning 196 to 59. "Hey, hey," said Spider, prodding Sir Penguin to deal the cards. 15 minutes later, Spider had beaten Sir Penguin (who had decided to retire from cribbage and take up Russian Knockout, the only card game other than go fish and poker which he was good at), Beta-1 had said innumerable profound things, and Natguy had perfected the Spit, getting 10 in a row into the spittoon. Oh, and jsorense appeared, covered with brown sludge. "What, you're still 'round?" asked Spider. "Yeah, no thanks to you fen-suckers. With your tremendous inventive power, Spider, I thought that at least you could have figured out a way to get me out. Uh, 'scuse me. Yeah, no thanks to yeu fen-suckers. No, uh, Yeah, no thanks to you fin-suckers. With your tri-mendous inventive power, Spider, Ah thought that't least ye could've figgered out a way t' git me out. Had to float up out of that what'ch'callit hole in m'own spit!" Spider and Sir Penguin looked at each other and looked at jsorense. "Hey," jsorense defended, "If the Lone Ranger could be res'rected to hilp Natguy learn the way o' the West, I can spit my way out o' one o' they holes." More glances. "I got good hearin'." "Boy're ye ever long-blown, jsorense," dictated Beta-1. "Think it's time ye gave someone else a chance to talk?" |
| Beta1 |
posted 09-17-99 05:48 PM ET
"But that shomeones shure not going to be me" said Beta-1 "I've got the another bottle of whisky waiting" Beta-1 headed off in the direction of the bar. "Natguy! get over here! you may have learnt to shoot people and spit but you've still got a lot to learn about drinking!!!" Later that eveing in the drunk tank... "Shhooo what happppenned??? what madde you stopp ridding?? whay did you stopp following the wannted posters?" slurred Natguy "Beacuse of her.... she was soo ...." Beta-1 slumped against the wall, dead to the world. Natguy let him dream, it was probably better that way.. |
| sir_penguin |
posted 09-18-99 08:03 PM ET
Next morning Natguy woke up alone on a bench in the Sheriff's office. Fighting his splitting headache, he opened the door, startling the Sheriff's guns into his hands. "Oh, howdy, Natguy," said the lawman. "H-h-h-howdy, Sheriff" replied Natguy, taking aim at the Sheriff's spittoon and missing entirely. "Seen Beta-1?" "Yeah, but you don't want to." It was all he would say. Leaving the jailhouse, Natguy wandered over to the Long Branch Saloon. He entered and saw John III polishing his nails and losing drastically at a game of cribbage to jsorense, who had got himself cleaned up from the Borehole. Looked like it would be a good day's takings for jsorense. Being still nervous around John III, Natguy decided to take a walk. On his way, he stopped by Spider's place to get a cup of espresso. Head cleared somewhat, he bought another cup of the stuff and headed off down the dusty road. After about half an hour, he came across the town's graveyard. He walked in, taking care not to tread on the mounds of earth. He rounded a gravestone and spied a man sitting beside a grave with a small wooden cross overlooking it. "Hey there, Beta-1," he said, sitting down next to the dejected figure. "That's...that's...she was...beautiful, she was..." "Awright, pardner." |
| Beta1 |
posted 09-20-99 02:13 PM ET
*Swirly effect crosses the view signalling a flashback* Seen from the top of the valley a waggon crosses a bridge moving down the valley. The road leads down towards a town, a faded arrow by the side of the road reads "to the long branch saloon". The barrel of a rifle slides into view from behind an outcrop. The view swings down into the valley... Driving the wagon is Beta-1, but a Beta-1 before the drink robbed him of everything. Beside is a girl, clasping his arm as the wagon goes over a bump in the rough road. The sun glints of the gold band on her finger. Suddenly she sees a flash from the top of the valley, she screams, throwing herself across Beta-1. A shot rings out and Beta-1's life falls apart. *Swirls again, back to the graveyard but later in the day* Natguy has gone, all that is left is the grave, and what remains of Beta-1.
|
| sir_penguin |
posted 09-21-99 07:34 PM ET
It was midnight before Beta-1 returned to the unnamed town, more sober than he had been in God-knows-how-many years. |
| sir_penguin |
posted 09-25-99 04:09 PM ET
Then, all of a sudden, a Planet Buster rained destruction down upon the city with no name. "Aiee," said jsorense. OhWell looked upon the former town and said, "Damn planet busters, kill a lot of good people. The Devil made good on that one." And so ended the Long Branch Saloon thread, unless there's more interest in it, and if there is PLEASE IGNORE THIS POST!!!!! SP |
| jsorense |
posted 09-26-99 06:21 PM ET
"Aiee," screamed jsorense as the apocalyptic visions in his nightmare caused him to sit bolt upright in his bunk. This turned out not to be a good thing because he smacked his head of the upper bunk in the jailhouse cell, jsorense's usual room. "Aiee," screamed jsorense again as the combined pain from the rough wood magnified the inner pounding of a mescal hangover. jsorense tried to spit but his mouth was as dry as the Badlands and tasted like a family of armadillos has used it for a lavatory and then died there. "Are you OK in thar jsorense?" Asked sheriff Pat Garrett. "You don't sound so good." "Just another bad dream and a lot of cheap rot-gut." Moaned jsorense nursing his exploding skull. "What's new sheriff? Any word on that tenderfoot JohnIII or OldWarrior_42?" sir _penguin looked over the edge of the top bunk and suggested that "Will youse guys shut up? I'm tyin' to sleep." |
| Spider |
posted 09-26-99 07:41 PM ET
An alarm went off outside. Then, suddenly, Spider's shop took off. The defense guns left one more message in the form of crater-matrix printing...the words "I'm off to Chiron, check fic to visit!" Spider |
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