posted 08-04-99 04:39 PM ET        

10. We're the best country in the world. Of course, no one can point out what Canada is the best at as virtually everything that we do is done better somewhere else. However, we do have the UN report that measures that lack of inequities, not prosperity, that states that we have less inequities than anywhere else. I'm sure that the letter that was written by a UN official to a national Canadian newspaper that stated that the ranking was not actually a measure of "the best place to live" was only written by someone who actually compiled the list and not by an actual Canadian who would have known better. Besides, the CBC says we're the best so it must be true. No other country would dare make such a claim.

9. We're less arrogant. Of course, many Americans who go overseas say they're the best and act like boors while they're guests in other countries. Canadians are so much better as many of us go to other countries, behave very politely there, and then talk about them behind their back upon returning to Canada and tell people how Canada is "so much better." Yes, I can see that it is better to talk about people behind their back than to their face.

8. Our great international reputation. The more cynical among us may say that very little is known about Canada overseas or that we're regarded as an extension of the US. These cynics may have actually travelled overseas or have spoken to forgeiners but it's obvious they don't know as much about other nations as those Canadians who have never left Canada. Cynics. Pah!

7. The wisdom and mystical nature of our elected representatives. When Walmart came to Canada a Liberal MP stood up in Parliament and proclaimed that Sam Walton, the founder of Walmart, had personally given him his guarantee that Walmart's Canadian stores would only buy from Canadian suppliers. Of course, the fact that Sam Walton had been dead for two or three years before this could lead some of the more gullible among us to believe that this was a lie. As we all know that Canadian officials are honest, have integrity, and aren't corrupt the only logical conclusion is that they can speak to the dead. Such prescient, wise officials we have.

6. How discerning our government is. After saying that they would eliminate patronage they did so. Of course, the fact that within six months they discovered that over thirty positions that paid $100,000 per annum and up were best filled by defeated Liberal MP's, Liberal campaign managers, and Liberal party officials and that they were obviously the best qualified candidates fills me with pride. The fact that this has continued up to and including the present makes me so happy as obviously only Liberals are qualified enough to handle highly paid government positions.

I'm also glad to see that the government is discerning enough to realize that compensating our soldiers that they exposed to toxic waste would upset us so they tried to cover it up. Some would say they were caught lying when certain discrepancies between what they said and actually did were discovered but we know that the stress of being a government official makes a person very forgetful. And of course, if the allegations of the hepatitis-C victims are true, I'm glad to see that the government would have then saved some money for social programs by knowingly buying blood from prisoners in an Arkansas prison and cut rates by not testing the blood for HIV or Hepatitis C. I mean, what's the chance a prisoner would have either of those diseases, right?

5. Our defence of free speech and commitment to social equity. I'm glad to see that our government supports people's rights to child pornography while they considerately ensure that we don't have to put up with noisy protestors by pepper spraying them a la APEC or the Riot at the Hyatt. The nerve of people protesting while our pedophiles are trying to enjoy their reading material. At least Jean Chretien showed them a thing or two by assaulting and throttling a protestor who annoyed him who was one-half his size. Some of the more cynical Canadians might say that this was criminal assault but we know that an elected official would never, ever break the law and we're so happy that we the government protects us from those nasty protestors and their disruptive ideas. I mean, who needs to think and make up their own minds when we have the government to do it for us? They would never say something that was untrue or try to convince us of something that suited their own best interests.

As well, I'm so glad that there is so little discrimination here. I'm sure that the highly educated people from India, Latin America, the Phillipines, and elsewhere who have educational credentials up to and including Phds forfeited their standard of living in their original countries to come to Canada to drive cabs and work as cleaners since they really like cleaning and driving cabs. They must think we're so silly for complaining about the brain drain when they are highly educated people who have discovered that it's so much better to work as a taxi driver or a cleaner.

4. Our great health care system. Some may feel that the extensive waiting period in order to see a specialist in Canada may prevent them from obtaining the treatment they need but we know that no sacrifice is too great for social justice. The fact that the US spends more per capita on health care than Canada is irrelevant. And those people who fly to the US for treatment simply don't realize that their illness will wait around for a Canadian doctor. The nerve of them for placing their health and welfare ahead of someone else's ideas of social justice. Besides, it's so much better to have everyone suffer than it is to cure some of them.

3. Our wonderful justice system and low crime rates. There are those who note that Canada's per capita crime rates are higher than the States' but they must be American infiltrators and CIA agents over at Statistics Canada. Of course, the fact that we have ten percent of the States' population would not make it appear as if the crime rate is lower and we all know that population density has no effect whatsoever on the types of violent crimes that are committed. I'm also glad that our gun control laws have such a great effect and in one Canadian city with less than a million inhabitants that had fourteen drive-by shootings in twelve months and numerous armed robberies I'm sure that the criminals who committed them are going to rush out and register their illegally obtained weapons. Of course, with such punishments as two years spent in jail or less for manslaughter (this actually refers to not less than five cases that were in the papers in the last few months wherein the defendants received two years of jail time or less) who wouldn't? We can't punish those horribly deprived, defenceless criminals who are only harming other human beings; we have to show compassion for their poor upbringing and only a few innocent people have to suffer for each criminal. Remember though, in Canada they're still more likely to be killed by a knife (although this is changing) and I'm certain it feels far better to be killed by a knife than a bullet.

2. Our strong economy. The fact that not only real wages but actual wages have dropped as well in the last fifteen years is simply relieving us of the burden of having to work in an office job with responsibilities. The overwhelming majority of our job creation is in the secondary labour market with poor wages and no benefits but we really have a strong economy although many of our university graduates can't find jobs in their fields. That's ok; it's far less stressful to work as a security guard or in a 7-11 than it is to work in a professional position.

1. The thoughtfulness of our government. As we all know, it's so darn stressful to make purchasing decisions so our government thoughtfully relieves us of that responsibility by taxing us so much that we have no disposable income. And the fact that so many corporate head offices are moving to the States or other countries as they can't hire the people they want here since so many Canadians go to the States simply relieves us of those messy, stressful professional positions. It's so much better to lower everyone's standard of living so we can all suffer together in great Canadian harmony.

Be realistic, people. The US may have some problems and Canada may have a better educational system and lower, though not non-existent by any stretch of the imagination, level of discrimination but they're trouncing us. From what I've read, Canada had a higher dollar, stronger economy, and better standard of living than the US in the early 1970s and back but that's no longer true. In order to halve the productivity gap that we have with the States we would need to double their economic growth for the next decade and it's not going to happen. Why not admit we have problems and fix them or should we just say "Canada's the best" while the country deteriorates until it becomes the first 1st World nation to be bumped back to the Third World; something some commentators and economists have predicted for several years now. Oh, and for all those who are going to respond with a "If you don't like it why don't you move?" save your breath because I am. I've travelled and there are some nations that I vastly prefer so with Canadians failing to recognize their problems here I'll simply read about the decline in the newspapers instead of having to live it.

posted 08-04-99 08:43 PM ET            

Seriously, aside from the seal-genocide the only thing I know about Canadians is Rush and the only Canadian I know is porn actress Marylin Starr. Both Rush and Marylin rock like nobody's business but beyond this, what do I know from Canada? Really though, you guys can't be all that bad or we would have put up a wall and bombed the hell out of you a long time ago.

posted 08-05-99 12:56 PM ET            

If you don't like Canada, if you value your freedom more than government social engineering, then come on down to Texas.

If you can't stand to live in a world where there are social inequalities between those who prefer to sit on the couch watching TV versus those who get jobs, if you prefer to live in a world where everyone is equal because the government says so, then head on up to Canada. They'll love you up there, eh?

Until they put up a Berlin Wall, I suggest you do what governments all around the world fear more of us ordinary citizens will actually take it upon ourselves to do: vote with your feet!

I actually love socialism -- as long as I'm not forced to join. Let the people who believe in that stuff go join their communes and live in Canada and build their Great Society and prove to me their social superiority ... just as long as they don't put their stinkin' hands on MY time, MY money, or MY life.