The new preacher ( a joke, not for christians)

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Author Topic:   The new preacher ( a joke, not for christians)

Eccles posted 07-29-99 05:05 PM ET
A new preacher, mid-west, suffers from nervousness. One day, his wife suggests that he replace his water with vodka.
He does so. After the sermon, he returns to his room, but finds an anonymous letter pinned to his door. It says.
Good sermon, however a few points.

1/ Sip the vodka, don't gulp
2/ There were 10 commandments, not twelve
3/ There were 12 disciples, not 10.
4/ The Holy Trinity is not refered to as Daddy,Junior and Spook.
5/ King David wagered his donkey. He did not bet his ass.
6/Jacob was knocked off his donkey. He was not stoned off his ass.
7/ It is not advisable to refer to Jesus, as the late J.C
8/ Jesus was not crucified on the BIG T
9/ The Virgin Mary is not refered to as
'Mary with the cherry'
10/ There will be a taffy pulling contest at St Peter's. Not a Peter pulling contest, at St Taffy's.

sandworm posted 07-29-99 06:03 PM ET
Not for easily offended christians, anyhow, but I thought it was funny.
Vatican Film Productions is releasing two new movies soon, based on some previous Hollywood releases
1. Pope Floats
2. There's something about the virgin Mary.
HolyWarrior posted 07-30-99 12:32 AM ET
Your joke may offend Catholics, but this Protestant finds it hilarious, though it has been told before.
Here's some for ya.

ACTUAL CHURCH BULLETIN AND SERVICE BLOOPERS.

OUR NEXT SONG IS "ANGELS WE HAVE HEARD GET HIGH."
DON'T LET WORRY KILL YOU - LET THE CHURCH HELP.
REMEMBER IN PRAYER THE MANY WHO ARE SICK OF OUR CHURCH AND COMMUNITY.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE CHILDREN AND DON'T KNOW IT, WE HAVE A NURSERY
DOWNSTAIRS.
WEIGHT WATCHERS WILL MEET AT 7 P.M. AT THE FIRST PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH. PLEASE
USE LARGE DOUBLE DOOR AT THE SIDE ENTRANCE.
JEAN WILL BE LEADING A WEIGHT-MANAGEMENT SERIES WEDNESDAY NIGHTS. SHE USES
THE PROGRAM HERSELF AND HAS BEEN GROWING LIKE CRAZY!
THE ROSEBUD ON THE ALTAR THIS MORNING IS TO ANNOUNCE THE BIRTH OF DAVID ALAN
BELZER, THE SIN OF REV. AND MRS. JULIUS BELZER.
THIS AFTERNOON THERE WILL BE A MEETING IN THE SOUTH AND NORTH ENDS OF THE
CHURCH. CHILDREN WILL BE BAPTIZED AT BOTH ENDS.
TUESDAY AT 4:00 P.M. THERE WILL BE AN ICE CREAM SOCIAL. ALL LADIES GIVING
MILK PLEASE COME EARLY.
WEDNESDAY THE LADIES' LITURGY WILL MEET. MRS. JOHNSON WILL SING "PUT ME IN
MY LITTLE BED" ACCOMPANIED BY THE PASTOR.
THURSDAY AT 5:00 PM THERE WILL BE A MEETING OF THE LITTLE MOTHER'S CLUB. ALL
LADIES WISHING TO BECOME "LITTLE MOTHERS" WILL MEET WITH THE PASTOR IN HIS
STUDY.
THIS BEING EASTER SUNDAY, WE WILL ASK MRS. LEWIS TO COME FORWARD AND LAY AN
EGG ON THE ALTAR.
THE SERVICE WILL CLOSE WITH "LITTLE DROPS OF WATER." ONE OF THE LADIES WILL
START QUIETLY AND THE REST OF THE CONGREGATION WILL JOIN IN.
NEXT SUNDAY A SPECIAL COLLECTION WILL BE TAKEN TO DEFRAY THE COST OF THE NEW
CARPET. ALL THOSE WISHING TO DO SOMETHING ON THE CARPET WILL COME FORWARD
AND DO SO.
THE LADIES OF THE CHURCH HAVE CAST OFF CLOTHING OF EVERY KIND. THEY CAN BE
SEEN IN THE CHURCH BASEMENT SATURDAY.
THURSDAY NIGHT-POTLUCK SUPPER. PRAYER AND MEDICATION TO FOLLOW.
THE LUTHERAN MEN'S GROUP WILL MEET AT 6 P.M. STEAK, MASHED POTATOES, GREEN
BEANS, BREAD AND DESSERT WILL BE SERVED FOR A NOMINAL FEEL.
A BEAN SUPPER WILL BE HELD ON TUESDAY EVENING IN THE CHURCH HALL. MUSIC WILL
FOLLOW. 8 NEW CHOIR ROBES ARE CURRENTLY NEEDED, DUE TO THE ADDITION OF
SEVERAL NEW MEMBERS AND TO THE DETERIORATION OF SOME OLDER ONES.
THE SENIOR CHOIR INVITES ANY MEMBER OF THE CONGREGATION WHO ENJOYS SINNING
TO JOIN THE CHOIR.
AT THE EVENING SERVICE TONIGHT, THE SERMON TOPIC WILL BE "WHAT IS HELL?"
COME EARLY AND LISTEN TO OUR CHOIR PRACTICE.
THE PREACHER WILL PREACH HIS FAREWELL MESSAGE, AFTER WHICH THE CHOIR WILL
SING, "BREAK FORTH WITH JOY."
THE EIGHTH GRADERS WILL BE PRESENTING SHAKESPEARE'S "HAMLET" IN THE CHURCH
BASEMENT ON FRIDAY AT 7 P.M. THE CONGREGATION IS INVITED TO ATTEND THIS
TRAGEDY.
PLEASE JOIN US AS WE SHOW OUR SUPPORT FOR AMY AND ALAN IN PREPARING FOR THE
GIRTH OF THEIR FIRST CHILD.
SCOUTS ARE SAVING ALUMINUM CANS, BOTTLES AND OTHER ITEMS TO BE RECYCLED.
PROCEEDS WILL BE USED TO CRIPPLE CHILDREN.
THE ASSOCIATE MINISTER UNVEILED THE CHURCH'S NEW GIVING CAMPAIGN SLOGAN LAST
SUNDAY: "I UPPED MY PLEDGE --- UP YOURS"
Koshko posted 07-30-99 12:45 AM ET
So did the voices in your head tell you that one?
Koshko posted 07-30-99 12:47 AM ET
As a Christian, I'd like to say that your post Did NOT offend me one bit. If you have a sense of humor, you won't be bothered by it.
White_Cat posted 07-30-99 06:56 AM ET
Same here.
RM posted 08-01-99 10:04 AM ET
The vatican had bought a new car for the pope. When the pope and his driver was driving around one day, the pope asked the driver if he could just test the car once. The driver hesitated first, but the pope kept asking until the driver finally gave up. They changed places and the pope started to drive. It was a fast car and the pope stamped the gas pedal to the floor and drove at full speed.
Unfortunately for the pope, a police radar detected him and a policeman stopped the popes car to arrest him for speeding. When the policeman saw that the pope was driving the car, he got a bit nervous and called a colleague at the police station with his radio.
"I have caught a VIP for speeding, what do I do now?" he asked.
"It depends on who it is. Is it the chief of police? (again)" said the colleague.
"No. More important than that."
"So it is the prime minister then?"
"No. More important than that."
"More important than the prime minister?! Who is it then?"
"I do not know, but he has the pope as driver."

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Author	Topic: The new preacher ( a joke, not for christians)
Eccles	posted 07-29-99 05:05 PM ET A new preacher, mid-west, suffers from nervousness. One day, his wife suggests that he replace his water with vodka. He does so. After the sermon, he returns to his room, but finds an anonymous letter pinned to his door. It says. Good sermon, however a few points. 1/ Sip the vodka, don't gulp 2/ There were 10 commandments, not twelve 3/ There were 12 disciples, not 10. 4/ The Holy Trinity is not refered to as Daddy,Junior and Spook. 5/ King David wagered his donkey. He did not bet his ass. 6/Jacob was knocked off his donkey. He was not stoned off his ass. 7/ It is not advisable to refer to Jesus, as the late J.C 8/ Jesus was not crucified on the BIG T 9/ The Virgin Mary is not refered to as 'Mary with the cherry' 10/ There will be a taffy pulling contest at St Peter's. Not a Peter pulling contest, at St Taffy's.
sandworm	posted 07-29-99 06:03 PM ET Not for easily offended christians, anyhow, but I thought it was funny. Vatican Film Productions is releasing two new movies soon, based on some previous Hollywood releases 1. Pope Floats 2. There's something about the virgin Mary.
HolyWarrior	posted 07-30-99 12:32 AM ET Your joke may offend Catholics, but this Protestant finds it hilarious, though it has been told before. Here's some for ya. ACTUAL CHURCH BULLETIN AND SERVICE BLOOPERS. OUR NEXT SONG IS "ANGELS WE HAVE HEARD GET HIGH." DON'T LET WORRY KILL YOU - LET THE CHURCH HELP. REMEMBER IN PRAYER THE MANY WHO ARE SICK OF OUR CHURCH AND COMMUNITY. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE CHILDREN AND DON'T KNOW IT, WE HAVE A NURSERY DOWNSTAIRS. WEIGHT WATCHERS WILL MEET AT 7 P.M. AT THE FIRST PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH. PLEASE USE LARGE DOUBLE DOOR AT THE SIDE ENTRANCE. JEAN WILL BE LEADING A WEIGHT-MANAGEMENT SERIES WEDNESDAY NIGHTS. SHE USES THE PROGRAM HERSELF AND HAS BEEN GROWING LIKE CRAZY! THE ROSEBUD ON THE ALTAR THIS MORNING IS TO ANNOUNCE THE BIRTH OF DAVID ALAN BELZER, THE SIN OF REV. AND MRS. JULIUS BELZER. THIS AFTERNOON THERE WILL BE A MEETING IN THE SOUTH AND NORTH ENDS OF THE CHURCH. CHILDREN WILL BE BAPTIZED AT BOTH ENDS. TUESDAY AT 4:00 P.M. THERE WILL BE AN ICE CREAM SOCIAL. ALL LADIES GIVING MILK PLEASE COME EARLY. WEDNESDAY THE LADIES' LITURGY WILL MEET. MRS. JOHNSON WILL SING "PUT ME IN MY LITTLE BED" ACCOMPANIED BY THE PASTOR. THURSDAY AT 5:00 PM THERE WILL BE A MEETING OF THE LITTLE MOTHER'S CLUB. ALL LADIES WISHING TO BECOME "LITTLE MOTHERS" WILL MEET WITH THE PASTOR IN HIS STUDY. THIS BEING EASTER SUNDAY, WE WILL ASK MRS. LEWIS TO COME FORWARD AND LAY AN EGG ON THE ALTAR. THE SERVICE WILL CLOSE WITH "LITTLE DROPS OF WATER." ONE OF THE LADIES WILL START QUIETLY AND THE REST OF THE CONGREGATION WILL JOIN IN. NEXT SUNDAY A SPECIAL COLLECTION WILL BE TAKEN TO DEFRAY THE COST OF THE NEW CARPET. ALL THOSE WISHING TO DO SOMETHING ON THE CARPET WILL COME FORWARD AND DO SO. THE LADIES OF THE CHURCH HAVE CAST OFF CLOTHING OF EVERY KIND. THEY CAN BE SEEN IN THE CHURCH BASEMENT SATURDAY. THURSDAY NIGHT-POTLUCK SUPPER. PRAYER AND MEDICATION TO FOLLOW. THE LUTHERAN MEN'S GROUP WILL MEET AT 6 P.M. STEAK, MASHED POTATOES, GREEN BEANS, BREAD AND DESSERT WILL BE SERVED FOR A NOMINAL FEEL. A BEAN SUPPER WILL BE HELD ON TUESDAY EVENING IN THE CHURCH HALL. MUSIC WILL FOLLOW. 8 NEW CHOIR ROBES ARE CURRENTLY NEEDED, DUE TO THE ADDITION OF SEVERAL NEW MEMBERS AND TO THE DETERIORATION OF SOME OLDER ONES. THE SENIOR CHOIR INVITES ANY MEMBER OF THE CONGREGATION WHO ENJOYS SINNING TO JOIN THE CHOIR. AT THE EVENING SERVICE TONIGHT, THE SERMON TOPIC WILL BE "WHAT IS HELL?" COME EARLY AND LISTEN TO OUR CHOIR PRACTICE. THE PREACHER WILL PREACH HIS FAREWELL MESSAGE, AFTER WHICH THE CHOIR WILL SING, "BREAK FORTH WITH JOY." THE EIGHTH GRADERS WILL BE PRESENTING SHAKESPEARE'S "HAMLET" IN THE CHURCH BASEMENT ON FRIDAY AT 7 P.M. THE CONGREGATION IS INVITED TO ATTEND THIS TRAGEDY. PLEASE JOIN US AS WE SHOW OUR SUPPORT FOR AMY AND ALAN IN PREPARING FOR THE GIRTH OF THEIR FIRST CHILD. SCOUTS ARE SAVING ALUMINUM CANS, BOTTLES AND OTHER ITEMS TO BE RECYCLED. PROCEEDS WILL BE USED TO CRIPPLE CHILDREN. THE ASSOCIATE MINISTER UNVEILED THE CHURCH'S NEW GIVING CAMPAIGN SLOGAN LAST SUNDAY: "I UPPED MY PLEDGE --- UP YOURS"
Koshko	posted 07-30-99 12:45 AM ET So did the voices in your head tell you that one?
Koshko	posted 07-30-99 12:47 AM ET As a Christian, I'd like to say that your post Did NOT offend me one bit. If you have a sense of humor, you won't be bothered by it.
White_Cat	posted 07-30-99 06:56 AM ET Same here.
RM	posted 08-01-99 10:04 AM ET The vatican had bought a new car for the pope. When the pope and his driver was driving around one day, the pope asked the driver if he could just test the car once. The driver hesitated first, but the pope kept asking until the driver finally gave up. They changed places and the pope started to drive. It was a fast car and the pope stamped the gas pedal to the floor and drove at full speed. Unfortunately for the pope, a police radar detected him and a policeman stopped the popes car to arrest him for speeding. When the policeman saw that the pope was driving the car, he got a bit nervous and called a colleague at the police station with his radio. "I have caught a VIP for speeding, what do I do now?" he asked. "It depends on who it is. Is it the chief of police? (again)" said the colleague. "No. More important than that." "So it is the prime minister then?" "No. More important than that." "More important than the prime minister?! Who is it then?" "I do not know, but he has the pope as driver."