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Author Topic:   Exile's New Pet (CWAL HV)

Fjorxc the Maniac posted 07-11-99 02:20 PM ET
[Scene: CWAL HV HQ. The CWALers are lounging around, some playing SMAC, some watching TV. However, it is unusually quiet.]
Freerunner: Wait a minute... where's Exile?
Q Cubed: He said he was going to go out for a little walk and maybe get a drink or two.
Freerunner: When was this?
Q Cubed: Hmm... the Fourth, I think.
Freerunner: Ah, so Exile's been staggering around Hunt Valley in a drunken daze for a week. That explains a lot.
[The door to HV HQ blows open. A cat shoots in and ends up at the feet of Jimbo2.]
Jimbo2: AAAAAH! I'M BEING ATTACKED BY AN EVIL CAT THING!
[Jimbo2 takes a meat cleaver and hacks the cat into lots of small pieces.]
Jimbo2: All right! We eat tonight!
[A few seconds later, Exile staggers in, drunk beyond belief. He is leading something on a leash.]
Fjorxc: Exile! Where the hell have you been for the past week?
Exile: I don't remember nuthin' except I woke up in a lesbian bar this morning. I think I had somethin' to drink or somethin'. 'Scuse me, I gotta puke.
Fjorxc: What's that thing you got on the end of the leash?
Exile: Oh, I found this little pup in some alley downtown. Funny thing, he was surrounded by a bunch of dead people.
[The hairs on the back of Fjorxc's neck raise.]
Fjorxc: You say you found him among a bunch of dead bodies?
Exile: Yeah.
Fjorxc: And has it always followed you since you found it?
Exile: Yeah! Now move it. You don't wanna see a Protoss puke, it's not a pretty sight.
[Exile heads off to the bathroom. The dog stands in the middle of the room, then decides to nuzzle up against Freerunner's leg.]
Freerunner: Aww, what a nice doggie! Here, let me pet yAAAAAAAAAAHHH!
[Freerunner leans over a bit too far and falls onto the ground in an unnatural, painful-looking position.]
Dog: Bark!
Fjorxc: Good Hod, it's starting. We've got to get that thing out of here NOW, and fast!
Freerunner: Oof... why?
Fjorxc: Are you BLIND? Haven't you ever played Fallout 2? That cute little animal there is nothing less than the Pariah Dog!
Freerunner: The what?
Fjorxc: The Pariah Dog! It follows you around, decreases your luck to 1, causes your weapons to explode, and is almost impossible to kill! We've gotta get it out of here before he makes the entire HQ collapse, or worse!
Freerunner: What could be worse than that?
*DING DONG!*
[Fjorxc walks up to the door and sees a heavily sealed wooden crate. The label on it reads "From everyone back in CWAL. We thought you'd enjoy having it for a while." Shrugging, Fjorxc takes a crowbar and opens it.]
Fjorxc [peering inside]: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! THE EVIL HAS RETURNED!
[From out of the box leaps a garish-colored... thing. Monster is the best way to describe it. It is unmistakable to the CWALers, as it is one of the Ultimate Incarnations of Evil.]
Poh: Poh!
Fjorxc: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! KILL IT! KIIIILLLL IT!!!!!!!!!!!
[Fjorxc takes an impact rifle and blasts half of the Teletubby's face off. It stands there for a moment, then regenerates the face, T-1000 like.]
Poh: Poh!
Fjorxc: DAMMIT!
[Fjorxc attempts to fire the impact rifle again, but it superheats for some reason.]
Fjorxc: AAAAAAAAAHHHH! IT BURNS!!!!
[The impact rifle explodes.]
Pariah Dog: Bark!
Fjorxc: Dammit! Stop that, you bugger! C'mere!
[Fjorxc attempts to pick up the Pariah Dog, but trips over his shoelaces and falls to the ground.]
Fjorxc: Kesus Dhrist! Freerunner, come here and help me get this damned dog! Uhh... Freerunner?
[Fjorxc turns around and sees the Teletubby step away from Freerunner.]
Fjorxc: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
[Freerunner's skin has turned red, and a television screen has appeared in her chest.]
Freerunner: Freee....
Fjorxc: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
[Fjorxc throws a brick at Freerunner.]
Freerunner: Ow!
Fjorxc: GET BACK!!!! NOOOO!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
[Seeing no other options, Fjorxc jumps through the window and lands near CWAL HV's dumpster. He hears some rummaging coming from inside.]
Fjorxc [banging on dumpster]: jsorense! jsorense, come out of there! Come on!
jsorense [popping out of the garbage, with a roll of used toilet paper on his head]: What? I found a new lead, and I think I'm near to finding the DG's desk!
Fjorxc: The Ultimate Incarnation of Evil is in there! We've gotta get out of here now! IIIS Orbital Station 10, come in!
"This is IIIS Orbital Station 10, we read you."
Fjorxc: Teleport me and jsorense up to the Phoenix now!
"Roger that."
[Fjorxc and jsorense disappear in a swirl of energy.]

[On IIIS Orbital Station 10]
jsorense: What is it you're going to do?
Fjorxc: The only thing I can do. The Pariah Dog's still in there, and so are two Ultimate Incarnations of Evil. I've gotta destroy the HQ, or they'll escape and ravage the world.
jsorense: Why worry at all? This story isn't canon anyway. Let's go grab a beer or something.
Fjorxc: Umm... shut up! I haven't had nearly enough destruction in my stories lately!
[The Phoenix flies down to Hunt Valley and destroys the HQ. But in the rubble, there is still something alive...]
Pariah Dog: Bark!
*FIN*
There. Another apocryphal post-box tragedy.

Fjorxc the Maniac
Unwashed Village Idiot,
Wanderer,
CWALer,
8th Canadian Faction of Humanity.
Jay posted 07-12-99 05:15 PM ET
Lesbian bar?
What have you been thinking, Forksy?
Fjorxc the Maniac posted 07-12-99 06:34 PM ET
Not much. But hey, this is Exile we're talking aboot here. You don't want to see a Protoss after he's drunk 87 beers.
My God! You've responded before jsorense! This must be a new record!

Fjorxc the Maniac
Unwashed Village Idiot,
Wanderer,
CWALer,
8th Canadian Faction of Humanity.
Jay posted 07-13-99 05:55 PM ET
In my experience, if Exile drinks 87 beers, it doesn't even show. When I drink ten beers, I get slightly drunk. And I'm not an alcoholist. Exile is. You'll also have to consider the size difference between a typical man (me) and an almost typical Protoss Dark Templar. So THERE!
But where'd he get that Pariah Dog from?

Your Faithful & Hell-bent Scharfschutze
Jay
"Did I sepll it rihgt?"
Dark Nexus posted 07-13-99 10:41 PM ET
Actually, the typical Protoss, while taller than the typical human, has a very low body mass under all that armor. Bean-poles those ones.....
Dark Nexus
"Sanity is calming, but madness is more interesting."
Hey_Hey_Hey_Yo posted 07-18-99 05:48 PM ET
Hey! That's supposed to be "Soberness is calming, but drunkness is more intresting"!
Exile posted 07-18-99 06:31 PM ET
Hey! What have I told you about badmouthing my dog already!
(Attacks Fjorxc with a piece of rusty metal, giving him lockjaw)
I'm telling you, he doesn't give people bad luck. they just have a lot of accidents after they meet him =)
-"It's not my fault your stupid enough to be stolen from every 2 hrs."
-Pleas in a Fallout 1 court
Exile
jsorense posted 07-26-99 03:37 PM ET
Fjorxc the Maniac,
No, you shut up!
Pretty feeble story. You didn't try to kill me even once.
But, hey, I love what you have done with our old IIIS Orbital Station #10.
Who did the interior decorations? Austin Powers?
Cool bachelor pad, baby.
BTW, why haven't you showed up for work yet at IIIS? I notice you have been cashing the paychecks.
Fjorxc the Maniac posted 07-26-99 03:59 PM ET
Ah, there we go. It just wouldn't be a CWAL story withoot a response by jsorense, would it?
And as for the checks and the IIIS working thing, I think the jetlag has got to your brain. Here, take this stuff I found in Exile's supply closet...

Fjorxc the Maniac
Unwashed Village Idiot,
Wanderer,
CWALer,
8th Canadian Faction of Humanity.
Oh, and before I forget...
[jsorense falls into an ancient borehole.]
jsorense posted 07-26-99 04:05 PM ET
"AAAAAAAAAaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiooff!" [crunch]
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Author	Topic: Exile's New Pet (CWAL HV)
Fjorxc the Maniac	posted 07-11-99 02:20 PM ET [Scene: CWAL HV HQ. The CWALers are lounging around, some playing SMAC, some watching TV. However, it is unusually quiet.] Freerunner: Wait a minute... where's Exile? Q Cubed: He said he was going to go out for a little walk and maybe get a drink or two. Freerunner: When was this? Q Cubed: Hmm... the Fourth, I think. Freerunner: Ah, so Exile's been staggering around Hunt Valley in a drunken daze for a week. That explains a lot. [The door to HV HQ blows open. A cat shoots in and ends up at the feet of Jimbo2.] Jimbo2: AAAAAH! I'M BEING ATTACKED BY AN EVIL CAT THING! [Jimbo2 takes a meat cleaver and hacks the cat into lots of small pieces.] Jimbo2: All right! We eat tonight! [A few seconds later, Exile staggers in, drunk beyond belief. He is leading something on a leash.] Fjorxc: Exile! Where the hell have you been for the past week? Exile: I don't remember nuthin' except I woke up in a lesbian bar this morning. I think I had somethin' to drink or somethin'. 'Scuse me, I gotta puke. Fjorxc: What's that thing you got on the end of the leash? Exile: Oh, I found this little pup in some alley downtown. Funny thing, he was surrounded by a bunch of dead people. [The hairs on the back of Fjorxc's neck raise.] Fjorxc: You say you found him among a bunch of dead bodies? Exile: Yeah. Fjorxc: And has it always followed you since you found it? Exile: Yeah! Now move it. You don't wanna see a Protoss puke, it's not a pretty sight. [Exile heads off to the bathroom. The dog stands in the middle of the room, then decides to nuzzle up against Freerunner's leg.] Freerunner: Aww, what a nice doggie! Here, let me pet yAAAAAAAAAAHHH! [Freerunner leans over a bit too far and falls onto the ground in an unnatural, painful-looking position.] Dog: Bark! Fjorxc: Good Hod, it's starting. We've got to get that thing out of here NOW, and fast! Freerunner: Oof... why? Fjorxc: Are you BLIND? Haven't you ever played Fallout 2? That cute little animal there is nothing less than the Pariah Dog! Freerunner: The what? Fjorxc: The Pariah Dog! It follows you around, decreases your luck to 1, causes your weapons to explode, and is almost impossible to kill! We've gotta get it out of here before he makes the entire HQ collapse, or worse! Freerunner: What could be worse than that? DING DONG! [Fjorxc walks up to the door and sees a heavily sealed wooden crate. The label on it reads "From everyone back in CWAL. We thought you'd enjoy having it for a while." Shrugging, Fjorxc takes a crowbar and opens it.] Fjorxc [peering inside]: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! THE EVIL HAS RETURNED! [From out of the box leaps a garish-colored... thing. Monster is the best way to describe it. It is unmistakable to the CWALers, as it is one of the Ultimate Incarnations of Evil.] Poh: Poh! Fjorxc: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! KILL IT! KIIIILLLL IT!!!!!!!!!!! [Fjorxc takes an impact rifle and blasts half of the Teletubby's face off. It stands there for a moment, then regenerates the face, T-1000 like.] Poh: Poh! Fjorxc: DAMMIT! [Fjorxc attempts to fire the impact rifle again, but it superheats for some reason.] Fjorxc: AAAAAAAAAHHHH! IT BURNS!!!! [The impact rifle explodes.] Pariah Dog: Bark! Fjorxc: Dammit! Stop that, you bugger! C'mere! [Fjorxc attempts to pick up the Pariah Dog, but trips over his shoelaces and falls to the ground.] Fjorxc: Kesus Dhrist! Freerunner, come here and help me get this damned dog! Uhh... Freerunner? [Fjorxc turns around and sees the Teletubby step away from Freerunner.] Fjorxc: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! [Freerunner's skin has turned red, and a television screen has appeared in her chest.] Freerunner: Freee.... Fjorxc: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! [Fjorxc throws a brick at Freerunner.] Freerunner: Ow! Fjorxc: GET BACK!!!! NOOOO!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! [Seeing no other options, Fjorxc jumps through the window and lands near CWAL HV's dumpster. He hears some rummaging coming from inside.] Fjorxc [banging on dumpster]: jsorense! jsorense, come out of there! Come on! jsorense [popping out of the garbage, with a roll of used toilet paper on his head]: What? I found a new lead, and I think I'm near to finding the DG's desk! Fjorxc: The Ultimate Incarnation of Evil is in there! We've gotta get out of here now! IIIS Orbital Station 10, come in! "This is IIIS Orbital Station 10, we read you." Fjorxc: Teleport me and jsorense up to the Phoenix now! "Roger that." [Fjorxc and jsorense disappear in a swirl of energy.] [On IIIS Orbital Station 10] jsorense: What is it you're going to do? Fjorxc: The only thing I can do. The Pariah Dog's still in there, and so are two Ultimate Incarnations of Evil. I've gotta destroy the HQ, or they'll escape and ravage the world. jsorense: Why worry at all? This story isn't canon anyway. Let's go grab a beer or something. Fjorxc: Umm... shut up! I haven't had nearly enough destruction in my stories lately! [The Phoenix flies down to Hunt Valley and destroys the HQ. But in the rubble, there is still something alive...] Pariah Dog: Bark! FIN There. Another apocryphal post-box tragedy. Fjorxc the Maniac Unwashed Village Idiot, Wanderer, CWALer, 8th Canadian Faction of Humanity.
Jay	posted 07-12-99 05:15 PM ET Lesbian bar? What have you been thinking, Forksy?
Fjorxc the Maniac	posted 07-12-99 06:34 PM ET Not much. But hey, this is Exile we're talking aboot here. You don't want to see a Protoss after he's drunk 87 beers. My God! You've responded before jsorense! This must be a new record! Fjorxc the Maniac Unwashed Village Idiot, Wanderer, CWALer, 8th Canadian Faction of Humanity.
Jay	posted 07-13-99 05:55 PM ET In my experience, if Exile drinks 87 beers, it doesn't even show. When I drink ten beers, I get slightly drunk. And I'm not an alcoholist. Exile is. You'll also have to consider the size difference between a typical man (me) and an almost typical Protoss Dark Templar. So THERE! But where'd he get that Pariah Dog from? Your Faithful & Hell-bent Scharfschutze Jay "Did I sepll it rihgt?"
Dark Nexus	posted 07-13-99 10:41 PM ET Actually, the typical Protoss, while taller than the typical human, has a very low body mass under all that armor. Bean-poles those ones..... Dark Nexus "Sanity is calming, but madness is more interesting."
Hey_Hey_Hey_Yo	posted 07-18-99 05:48 PM ET Hey! That's supposed to be "Soberness is calming, but drunkness is more intresting"!
Exile	posted 07-18-99 06:31 PM ET Hey! What have I told you about badmouthing my dog already! (Attacks Fjorxc with a piece of rusty metal, giving him lockjaw) I'm telling you, he doesn't give people bad luck. they just have a lot of accidents after they meet him =) -"It's not my fault your stupid enough to be stolen from every 2 hrs." -Pleas in a Fallout 1 court Exile
jsorense	posted 07-26-99 03:37 PM ET Fjorxc the Maniac, No, you shut up! Pretty feeble story. You didn't try to kill me even once. But, hey, I love what you have done with our old IIIS Orbital Station #10. Who did the interior decorations? Austin Powers? Cool bachelor pad, baby. BTW, why haven't you showed up for work yet at IIIS? I notice you have been cashing the paychecks.
Fjorxc the Maniac	posted 07-26-99 03:59 PM ET Ah, there we go. It just wouldn't be a CWAL story withoot a response by jsorense, would it? And as for the checks and the IIIS working thing, I think the jetlag has got to your brain. Here, take this stuff I found in Exile's supply closet... Fjorxc the Maniac Unwashed Village Idiot, Wanderer, CWALer, 8th Canadian Faction of Humanity. Oh, and before I forget... [jsorense falls into an ancient borehole.]
jsorense	posted 07-26-99 04:05 PM ET "AAAAAAAAAaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiooff!" [crunch]