posted 07-11-99 01:55 PM ET        

(The 7 faction leaders are seated around a long conference table. There are windows all around the room, looking over the beautiful landscape from on high.)

Pravin Lal: Greetings, Council members. Our agenda today is the election of a Planetary Governer. Does anyone have anything to say before we begin?

(Deirdre coughs.)

Pravin Lal: Are we okay, Deirdre?

Deirdre: Yes, I'm fine.

(Deirdre coughs louder, leaning somewhat toward Provost Zakharov.)

Zakharov: What is it?

Deirdre (whispered): You--

Pravin Lal: Is there something you'd like to discuss with the Council, Deirdre?

Deirdre: No, Lal.

Morgan: I dunno, it seems like there's something you have to discuss with us.

Zakharov: No, there's nothing, really.

(Deirdre kicks Zakharov under the table.)

Zakharov: OOW! What was that for!?

(Pravin Lal stands up, angered.)

Pravin Lal: I'm sure we all have things to do in our respective headquarters, so if these two would PLEASE resolve their little conflict, we can move on.

Yang: YES, I MUST CONTINUE WORK ON MY HORRENDOUSLY EVIL SECRET PROJECT!! MU-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

(Yang stands up and raises his fists to the air. After an awkward pause, he sits back down.)

Deirdre: Fine, I'll tell you! I'll tell you all!

(Deirdre stands up.)

Deirdre: Zakharov tried to rape me!

(Everybody gasps in shock.)

Sister Miriam: THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY!

Zakharov: That is NOT TRUE!

Deirdre: I have the holovid of it right here!

(Deirdre puts a little holovid down on the conference table and turns it on. Zakharov appears, standing next to Deirdre in her headquarters room.)

Zakharov (hologram): So, Deirdre, now that we're Pact Brothers... wanna "share some technology?" Wanna "transfer some credits?"

Deirdre (hologram): What do you mean?

Zakharov (hologram): I'll be honest. I haven't been laid in 60 years, and you're the finest piece of ass on Planet.

Deirdre (hologram): Zakharov! I'm surprised at you! Our pact is off!

Zakharov (hologram): Come on, babe, I gotta try out my Cybernetic Wang!

(Deirdre turns off the holovid.)

Zakharov: That never happened! That is a forged holotape!

Deirdre: Lies. You are a perverted old man, Zakharov!

Pravin Lal: I don't see where this has any significance.

Deirdre: Oh, there's more, Pravin. Isn't there, MORGAN?

Morgan: Huh?

Deirdre: Don't you want to tell them about that little night on Mount Planet? How you offered to give me an "economic bonus?"

Morgan: LYING BITCH!

(Morgan dives across the table and grabs onto Deirdre's hair. He slams her face down on the table until she falls back onto the floor. Zakharov and Santiago hold him back.)

Santiago: Morgan! How could you attack her like that?

Morgan: She's spouting horrible lies about me!

Pravin Lal: Can we PLEASE get to the voting? I have a recycling tank malfunction at U.N. Ocean Authority and I have to fix it, post-haste.

Yang: VERY WELL, I HAVE SOME MATTERS TO ATTEND TO MYSELF, AND WHEN I AM DONE, ALL OF YOU WILL DIE!! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!

Sister Miriam: I'm prepared to vote.

Pravin Lal: Very good. Now, is everybody else prepared?

Yang: YES, I WILL VOTE!! AND MY VOTE WILL KILL YOU ALL!! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!

Zakharov: I suppose Deirdre will abstain, being knocked out and all. And I'm ready to vote.

Pravin Lal: Is that everyone?

Sister Miriam: What about Morgan and Santiago?

Zakharov: OH MY GOD! THEY'RE MAKING OUT UNDER THE TABLE!

(Morgan pops his head out from under the table, face covered in smeared lipstick.)

Morgan: No I wasn't! I, uh, slipped!

(Santiago shows up from under the table, her hair all messed up.)

Santiago: Me too. These chairs are really.. you know.. slick.

Zakharov: Santiago, how COULD YOU?

Santiago: How could I what?

Zakharov: Don't you remember.. it was 2167.. the old, abandoned monolith..

(Santiago gasps in surprise.)

Santiago (hushed): You said you'd never mention that to anyone!

Zakharov: Well, it's time I let these people know! I LOVE THIS WOMAN!

Santiago: Oh Jesus...

Sister Miriam: Don't use the Lord's name in vain!

Santiago: Shut up, you bible-thumping whore!

Sister Miriam: You shut up, you violent unholy LESBIAN!

Santiago: That's it, you wanna go? You wanna go right here?

Sister Miriam: BRING IT ON, YOU HORRIBLE BITCH!

(Sister Miriam punches Santiago in the chin. Santiago is knocked back, then smacks Sister Miriam in the side of the face. Miriam picks up a chair and hurls it at Santiago, breaking her shoulder.)

Santiago: OOOOOWWW!! You'll pay for that, you hussie!

Sister Miriam: **** YOU!

(Sister Miriam charges at Santiago, pushing her through the window. Santiago falls to the ground below, splattering all over. Her head dislodges from her body. Shattered glass spills all around her.)

Yang: MU-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!! I WON'T EVEN NEED TO USE MY EVIL PLAN IF THIS KEEPS UP!!

(Zakharov looks up at Sister Miriam with rage in his eyes.)

Zakharov: You killed the woman I love... and for that... you will PAY WITH YOUR LIFE!!

(Zakharov dives at Sister Miriam, shoving her against the wall. He grabs her crucifix and rips it from her neck.)

Sister Miriam: Give that back!!

Zakharov: Gladly!

(Zakharov shoves the crucifix down Sister Miriam's throat. Sister Miriam gags and claws at her throat, but is unable to dislodge it. She sinks slowly to the ground, then dies of asphyxiation.)

Zakharov: Hah. How ironic. Killed by the very thing you worship.

(Zakharov spits on Sister Miriam's corpse, then turns back to see Deirdre, blood on her face, staring in rage at him.)

Deirdre: First, you try to take advantage of me... then, you murder an innocent woman...

Zakharov: Oh, you want some of me, too, then?

Pravin Lal: No, STOP FIGHTING!! We're supposed to be electing a governor, not slaughtering each other!

Yang: DON'T LISTEN TO HIM!! CONTINUE FIGHTING!! IT MAKES MY JOB SO MUCH EASIER!! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!

Pravin Lal: That's it, I've had enough of your psychotic ramblings!

(Pravin Lal takes out a laser pistol and shoots Yang in the chest. Yang's armor protects him from the blast. He swings his fist, hitting Pravin Lal in the face.)

(Meanwhile, Zakharov punches Deirdre in the stomach. Deirdre recovers quickly and pulls a mind worm from out of a small pouch.)

Deirdre: Go, my little pet!

Zakharov: That's CHEATING!

(Zakharov kicks Deirdre in the chest. Deirdre flies back, releasing the mind worm. The worm slithers over to Zakharov and latches onto his leg.)

Zakharov: OOOWWWWW!!! It's burrowing DEEPER!! DEEEEEPEEEEERR!!!

(Deirdre falls into Pravin Lal, who was about to hit Yang in the head with an uppercut. Yang, instead, kicks Pravin Lal in the face and picks up his body.)

Pravin Lal: NO! NOOOOOOO!!

(Deirdre knees Yang in the stomach, causing him to drop Pravin Lal before he can throw him. Just then, Zakharov comes up behind Deirdre with a chair and attempts to hit her, accidentally hitting Pravin Lal instead.)

Pravin Lal: *BAM* OOW! What are you doing, Zakharov?

Zakharov: I don't know!! Can't... think...

(The mind worm burrows through Zakharov's body and into his head. It siezes control of his mind, then finally eats his brain and lays its eggs. Zakharov dies.)

Yang: BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!! DEATH FROM ABOOOVE!!

(Yang dives on top of Pravin Lal, elbowing him in the face. Pravin Lal hits his head against the conference table, knocking himself out.)

Deirdre: You MONSTER!

(Deirdre smacks Yang in the face. Yang is hardly phazed and punches Deirdre in the stomach, then pushes her out the window.)

Deirdre: WWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

(Deirdre smashes into the ground, dying instantly.)

Yang: HA-HA-HA-HA!! I AM THE RULER OF PLANET!!

Morgan: No, sorry, you're not.

(Morgan hits Yang in the back of the knees, then throws him easily out of the building. Yang flies, screaming, into the trees, then impales himself on a limb.)

Morgan: Now, for you...

(Morgan drags Pravin Lal's body over to a broken window and takes a piece of broken glass from it. He slits Pravin's throat, ending his life. Morgan then cleans his hands off on his shirt and takes out his cell phone.)

Morgan (into cell phone): Hello, this is CEO Nwabudike Morgan. There's been a terrible mishap down at U.N. Headquarters, and all of the faction leaders have spontaneously committed suicide. Very sad, very sad. It seems that this horrible turn of events has caused us to be the only surviving faction. I trust that this will simplify our business plans quite nicely, despite the losses...

(Morgan closes his cell phone, puts it in his pocket, and exits the conference room with an amused grin on his face.)

* fin *

posted 07-12-99 11:51 AM ET            

Kick Ass Story.
The Deidre - Zakharov thing was halarious.
And the Yang as overdone stereotypica (sp??) Evil Dictator/Warlord/Disgruntled Person was brilliant!!

I was sorta hoping Yang would win, though.