posted 07-08-99 10:12 AM ET        

Saras: Well, I've got a zillion more corners to sit. I'll take corner number 3.
[sits down] Kinda spooky here, with all those corners and all. Where is everyone?
[goes to the bar and takes a Pholus Mutagen] gosh, after all these postings I never tried this one - gulp gulp - mmm, mmmm, good!

[ten seconds pass]

AAAAAAA!!!!! MY EYES, MY EYES!!! [sounds like "my ass, my ass"] WHAT IS THIS PHOLUS MUTAGEN THING AFTER ALL???? THIS FUCKING HURTS!!!

[collapses on the floor, barely breathing]

posted 07-08-99 11:11 AM ET            

Don't go for NewPholus (biochem genetic weapon).

Don't go for PseudoPholus (not as good).

posted 07-08-99 11:47 AM ET         

[OhWell wonders away looking for a waiter and trips over a body lying on the floor outside corner number 3]

posted 07-08-99 04:45 PM ET         

Spider: Tanj, this is boring! I know what'll liven things up around here.... (starts chanting)
OhWell: What's going on?
Spider: (stops chanting) Done! The portal to Draenor should be opening right about...NOW!
As Spider speaks the final word, the hourglass that never needed turning slowly empties...and does not refill. Simultaneously, creatures that any Warcraft or Warcraft II player would recognize as Orcs pour out of corner 04180105141518.
Spider: Ner'zhul will be pleased....

Wolf Spider
Director, Robotics Development, IIIS

posted 07-08-99 05:40 PM ET            

Wow! There's Gul'dan! Orgrim Doomhammer. He's my hero! There's a troll axethrower. Wow, Cho'gall the ogre! This is awesome, man.

posted 07-09-99 01:59 AM ET            

Carnivean wakes up, looks at the display board.

Carny: what "reunion" but i never left... oh well. Then noticing all these odd green things throwing axes at each other.

*carny lifts up his collar to his mouth, and whispers to it*
da komrade, der multi-dimentional gate has beeen opened again.

soon mechanical clones of Lenin start ariving through the door... all making an evil grin when they notice the no weapons sign.

posted 07-11-99 03:56 AM ET            

Pok�maniac: AIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

*SLAM!*

Pok�maniac: COWER BEFORE ME!

YYYH: No. What are you doing here anyway?

Pok�maniac: BEEN A WHILE SINCE I SPREAD ANY CHAOS, BUT DAMN, SPACE INVADERS IS ADDICTIVE!

YYYH: Riight..

posted 07-11-99 09:33 PM ET            

Voice: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

(Exile is throuwn out of the portal and right into a back wall)

Another Voice: And stay out of our omniverse!

(Exile gets up and dusts himself off)

posted 07-12-99 05:15 AM ET            

Exile: Oh yeah? This calls for a Pok�mon match!

Pok�maniac: Oh yeah!? FINE! Cheatersaur, I choose you!

(Pok�maniac pulls out a Pok�-ball and tosses it on the ground, and it spews out a big, garbled mass of ones and zeroes that have all been hex-edited into the ultimate pok�mon)

posted 07-15-99 06:10 AM ET            

"A mouse?" the bouncer asks
" Bob, KILL" I say
And with that the rodent jumps and eats through the bouncer's head while I pull a minbari fighting pike from a concealed pocket and proceed to beat the bouncer to death.

posted 07-15-99 07:13 AM ET            

He continues to corner 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971693993751058209749445923078164062862089986280348253421170679 untouched and asks for a pi (hahahahaha)

A tall slender athletic waitress approaches MangoBreeder and he smoothly orders a Fuzzy Mango Sundae (a rare drink made from the fruit of the one mango tree located near Chernoyl)

He simply clicks his fingers and a 1TJ battery appears out of thin air

" Keep the change" he said quietly
and then continued to ask what the waitress is doing later.

posted 07-15-99 07:43 AM ET         

OhWell looks down at Saras who seems to be coming around and then looks back up at Spider. �In cases like this description of the treatment within hearing of the patient usually leads to complete and immediate recovery. Haven�t you ever read Hitchhiker�s Guide to the Galaxy?!� OwWell asks incredulously. �And don�t tell me that you really believed I was going to use a chain saw for brain surgery!� he continues �Everybody knows that you use a two man crosscut saw for that!�

posted 07-15-99 10:18 AM ET         

�Not really a spider!? Then why you got those eight harry legs, huh? Oh well.�

posted 07-15-99 12:24 PM ET         

�Man things have really been jumping around here while you were out, Saras!�

�Orcs, Lenin clones, dimensional portals and even a giant spider!�

�Well, he clamed that he wasn�t really a spider so I didn�t squish him.�

�Anyway it was way cool. Come on, I�ll buy you a beer and tell you all about it!�

posted 07-15-99 02:03 PM ET         

�You nitwit! I only have TWO legs! Two! Count �em! One! Two!�

[OhWell stares down at Spiders legs]

�Humm, well there are only two. How could I have made such silly error?�

[OhWell check his log files]

�Hummm.... Ah here it is; When I first counted your legs I was operating in Binary mode and counted 10 legs. When you cut off my noise, that caused a temporary buffer over run and I shifted to Octal mode, but the value �10� was not changed. So, when I converted that value to Decimal for communication to carbon based life forms I got �eight�. Quite simple really, could have happened to anyone.�

posted 07-15-99 02:57 PM ET         

�Well, actually, it happens everytime someone cuts of my nose! Do you have any idea how many spiders I have squished? That�s why I hate spiders... They keep cutting off ny nose!�

[OhWell sniffs suspiciously at the Pseudo-Pholus]

posted 07-15-99 03:49 PM ET            

Exile: God, this thing's chafing me...ah well

(Exile walks up to the cheap Pokemon, grabs it, and rips it apart and throws the halves into dark corner 6573)

(He then knocks out the bouncer, walks out to a beat-up looking car, opens the runk and pulls out his Gauss Rifle)

Bouncer 2: I'm gonna have to ask you to put your gun away

Exile: No! I will not put my gun away!

(Smacks the stock into the Bouncer 2's skull then walks to the bar, picking up a Psuedo-Pholus)

posted 07-16-99 03:10 AM ET            

*beep*beep*

Two burly bouncers, each almost completly covered with bandaged and Neosporen, approach Dreadnought and exaustingly search him for waepons of any kind.

"Sir, please remove that lightsaber from your belt."

Dreadnought complies, and in almost the blink of an eye, ignites the blade and brings it down to the bouncer's neck.

"Sir!"

At the last second, Dreadnought halts the decent of the saber at the sound of an unknown voice.

"Over here."

Dreadnought glances to the small booth in the corner of his eye. A short portly man rested in a folding chair behind several inches of as it seemed, bullet-proof glass.

"Go on in, just don't kill my guards, I've already lost three tonight, and good help is ever so hard to find."

"Thanks," Dreadnought replies, withdrawing the dark blue blade back into the handle of the lightsaber, "I'll try to stay out of trouble."

"I really wish I could belive you. Have a good time."

"I will."

The gaurd quickly reverts his attention back to the small holo-screen and pays Dreadnought no further attention. With his typical stroll, he slides into a booth against the back wall and instintaniously shoves a handful of complementry pretzels from the basket on his small table into his mouth, and immediatly a strong thirst arises in his mouth.

"Would you like something to drink sir?"

An attractive waitress attentivly stands by the table, awaiting Dreadnought's order.

"Yes, I'll have a Coconut Monkey, and I'll give you 25 energy credits if you bring my drink here within two minutes."

"Yes sir!" The waitess eagerly replied."

"Remember, table 454232.55." But it was too late, the waitress had already dashed to the bar, and was making the drink in an almost frenzied state.

Dreadnought glanced around the club, taking in the strange sights that this place always had to offer.

Immediatly the watiress had returned with Dreadnought's beverage.

"Here sir, that'll be 7 Joules.

"Of course." Dreadnought pulls a 100 from his pocket and gives it to the waitress. "Kepp the change."

"OH WOW!!!" The waitress screams, attracting the attention of almost everyone in the club. With a red face, she quickly dashes back to the bar and busies herself with whatever else she did here.

posted 07-16-99 06:17 AM ET            

IDST

posted 07-16-99 07:32 AM ET         

�Smooth, but it doesn�t have much bite! Oh well.�

[OhWell looks down as blood from Newbie #3 splatters on his shoes and then looks over at Victor]

�Man... I wish you wouldn�t do that! These are brand new Nikes! Do you know how hard it�s going to be to get them clean?! Besides, Newbie souls are out of season.�

posted 07-16-99 10:19 AM ET            

Mango: Please don't long strings without spaces, and makes those of us at 800x600 resolution have to scroll back and forth to read everything.

In other news, our Big Burly Bouncers(TM) were eaten by the Attack Toilets(TM) after a merchandising competition. It looks like the AT's have a monopoly on bouncing less-than-one-post people again. On the downside, with only one group protecting the place, things will get slightly looser than normal.

Random I Clubber: Look! It's chrisk!

Chrisk is engulfed in a fire from illegal weapons smuggled in

Bouncer: See, the Attack Toilets need us! We- *BLAM* *BLAM* *FLUSH*

posted 07-16-99 10:58 AM ET         

�Cheers! Well, to tell the truth, I just dropped in to get some lunch. All the corners are nice but after about 4,294,967,295 I kind of lose count. Some of the clientele seems a little rough, but it�s far from boring.�

posted 07-16-99 04:32 PM ET            

"Dammit." He mutters under his breath. Looking towards his glass, he realizes he still has a half cup of Coconut Monkey left. Apprehensivly, he gulps down the concoction with a mighty swig.

"COUGH* *COUGH*

*SPUTTER* *SPUTTER*

*GASP*

Unfortunatly, the drawback of the Coconut Monkey is if drunk to quickly, you begin to hallucinate. Bright green monkeys and panda bears begin to enter the club and sing a merry song about 19th century aristocrats.

Dreadnought smacks his head repeatedly with his lightsaber handle, to the point in which blood begins seeping from his nose and ears. The animals dispear, but he has attracted the unwanted attention of the patrons around him.

"What, you've never seen bipeadal apes with opposibal thumbs? Of with ye, you troublemaking ratcatchers!"

posted 07-19-99 04:50 AM ET            

my god thats a nice nose he says to Ohwell
u better watch out dustin hoffman is about.
MangoBreeder goes to stroke the mouse but what he had seen before just made him wiser.
and slips the mouse a chezzie puff instead.

posted 07-19-99 09:29 AM ET         

[OhWell shows bartender his ASPCA and ACLU cards]
�You just tried to discriminate against Bob the Mouse in a clear violation of his Civil Rights. If his name had been �Mickey� would you have attempted to deny him service? I don�t think so. Normally this would result in a $4,294,967,295 lawsuit.�

posted 07-20-99 03:39 PM ET         

�Here is someone I would like you to meet.�

[OhWell gestures at Spider]

posted 07-20-99 03:43 PM ET            

Raising the razor blade to other man, Dustin apparently planned to slicec of the good nose, replace his with it, and be out of there before anyone noticed.

He slowly raises the razor blade, but Dreadnought wouldnt have any of it, with incredibly speed, he ignightes his blade, dashes across the bar, flies into the air and stabbes Dustin Hoffman through the head, killing him instantly.

"That's for Wag the Dog!" Dreadnought mutters, withdrawing the blade back into it's handle.

"Dammit Dreadnought! That's the third celebrity you've killed this week! YOu keep this up and Hollywood will be a Ghosttown!" The Bartendeter shreikes.

posted 07-20-99 05:53 PM ET         

[OhWell looks up at Dreadnought in awe]

"Wow, I�ve never seen anyone move like that before. That was amazing. Are you a Jedi? Say... Would you be interested in a job as nose guard? With speed like yours I wouldn�t have to use my Really Big Shoe to kill the damn spiders (uhh no offense Spider) after they have cut off my nose!"

posted 07-20-99 07:58 PM ET         

"Are you guys both Jedi�s? Wow! Let me buy you guys a drink."

posted 07-21-99 05:09 AM ET            

looks up from his drink sees hoffman on the floor, smiles and quietly says, have i missed much, boy those pholous mutagens are strong..

(In a Darth Vader voice) OhWell i'm your Father....

posted 07-21-99 08:21 AM ET         

�Ah Ha, Spider! The jokes on YOU! I have TWO Really Big Shoes!�

[Really Big Shoe #2 materializes directly above Spider]

�Now, you gotta ask yourself one thing; Do you feel lucky. Well, do you? Now gimme back that nose!�

[OhWell in an aside to MangoBreeder]

posted 07-21-99 02:43 PM ET         

[OhWell takes nose from M_ashwell]
�Thanks! [Sticks nose back on face]
�That�s much better. Good job Bob The Mouse!�

[Computer]
�39... 38...�

[OhWell]
�Computer... Compute the value of pi to the last decimal place, priority override.�

[Computer]
�33... 32... 31 errr 3.1 ahhh 3.14 working... 3.141 working... 3.1415 working...�

[OhWell]
�There, that should keep it busy for a while!�

posted 07-21-99 03:42 PM ET            

How many number are in pi, exactly....oh yeah, infinite.....

posted 07-22-99 11:01 AM ET         

[OhWell jumps over the bar and mixes up a Planet Buster for Zenk_Bongwater]
�xenofungus humm? Well that�s gonna cost you a little extra!� [OhWell figures that since this guy is new here he won�t know that drinks are free. he he he] �Oh, by the way, this is the non-smelly-smoking area. The smelly-smoking area is out back behind the dumpster!�

posted 07-22-99 11:36 AM ET            

"Now let's check the action in this joint."

----

"Kind of an silent place, this."

Zenk produces the book of taliesyn and starts to read.

"Damn. This corner is just a bit too shady. Well, there's one way to fix that!"

Zenk then rips the "NO WEAPONS" sign off from the wall and lights it with his rusty but faithful blowtorch.
"Just the light I need".

As Zenk reads his magnificiently old book the "No weapons" sign slowly burns and is, finally totally consumed by the flames.

There is a moment of silence and calm.

Then...

There is a peal of thunder.

Earth moves. Oceans boil.

A strange voice intones:" Zenk, thou hast done wrong and now thou shalt suffer".

"What in the name of the holy shroom god Xenophyatliatl is this", Zenk yelps.

"I said thou shalt suffer. Suffer, eteernaalyyy! Bwahhahahahaa!", booms the voice as Zenk is turned into a pink towel.

There lies, the former space time traveller Zenk Bongwater ( presently a pink towel ), in the corner 1986.

A small sign appears on the far wall.

posted 07-22-99 11:55 AM ET            

Zenk:"Bartender. You ever seen that towel here before?"

OhWell ( The Bartender ):"Which one?"

Zenk:"That pink over there. On the corner 1986."

OhWell ( The Bartender ):"Oh, that one. Nope, never seen it before."

posted 07-22-99 12:08 PM ET            

Zenk:"Hey Baby. I've seen that hue of pink before."

Towel:"-"

Zenk:"May I buy you a drink?"

Towel:"-"

Zenk:"What is it. Cat got your tongue?"
[ Sits down, close to the towel ]

Towel:"-"

Zenk:"Okay, sure! Just shut up then! But you don't know what you're missing!"

posted 07-22-99 07:45 PM ET            

BAARRR KEEEEPPP
if hes paying i'm having another pan galactic gargle blaster

posted 07-22-99 08:07 PM ET         

[As OhWell slides the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster on an exclusive I-Club coaster, he slips the SABOTAGE VIRUS V1.3 disk into the I-Club computer�s disk drive.]

[OhWell looks back at the computer screen and sees:
"Error reading drive D:
Abort, Retry Fail?_"]

OhWell: "Oh crap!"

[OhWell removes exclusive I-Club coaster from the I-Club computer�s disk drive.]

[OhWell retrieves the SABOTAGE VIRUS V1.3 disk from under M_ashwell�s drink.]