posted 06-17-99 05:55 PM ET        

Homer: And how is "education" supposed to make me smarter? Besides, whenever I learn something new it pushes some old stuff out of my brain, remember the time that I took that home wine making course and I forgot how to drive?

Marge: That's because you were drunk!

Homer: And how....

*****

Let me in! There are crickets out here.....

*****

Stupid Gravity.

*****

Stay strong Bart, without a strong male figure in the house, you could turn into a sissie overnight! Oh these stubborn grass stains.

*****

You're out of order! The whole freakin' systems out of order! You want the truth? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! Cause when you put your hand into a pile a' goo that was your best freind's face, you'll know what to do! It's CHINATOWN baby!

*****

God, you're greasy.

*****

posted 06-17-99 06:17 PM ET         

H:Why I outa.....(Chokes Bart)

posted 06-18-99 12:15 AM ET            

"They were the biggest bunch of sucks, that ever sucked."

"I've got to go, my damn wiener kids are listening."

Homer's brain:"Something was said, not good...what was it...don't yell at Homer!...no, that's okay, what was it...slow!...they called you slow!"

"Ooo, look at me, I'm making people happy."

"Well, you tried and you failed, the lesson is, never try."

"Ow, the bees are defending themselves somehow."

"In America, first you get da sugar, then you get da power, then you get da women."

"What're you going to do? Release the dogs, or the bees, or the dogs with bees in their mouth, so when they bark they shoot bees at you?"

"I told you, my baby beat me up."

posted 06-18-99 04:44 AM ET            

Bart: are we going to die?

Homer: yes, but at least we are gonna' take alot of inocent people with us

he he he if the core melts down there will be no power to light the sigh with!

there it is the smartest thing youll ever say and no-one was around to hear it DOH

Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family.

Mmmm, 52 slices of American cheese

I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t....I mean s-m-A-r-t

Read your town charter, boy. If food stuff should touch the ground, said food stuff shall be turned over to the village idiot.? Since I don't see him around, start shovelling!

It may be on a lousy channel, but the Simpsons are on TV!

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

posted 06-18-99 08:05 AM ET            

Homer: "DOH!"

Marge: "A deer."

posted 06-18-99 02:59 PM ET         

Homer: "Does the Lord count as a person?"

-----

Marge: "Homer, there's a family of possums living in here."

posted 06-20-99 02:55 AM ET            

Simpson
Homer Simpson
He's the smartest man in history!
From the
Town of Springfield
He's about to hit a chestnut tree!

posted 06-21-99 07:20 AM ET            

"awww 20 dollas? but i wanted a peanut"

mental note: the girl knows too much

Asleep at the switch?
i wasn't asleep, I was DRUNK

H:TAKE THAT VILE FEIND
L:dad thats his crotch
H:sorry
MB then dies (monty Burns)
H:Phew
MB:YOUR FIRED
H oh!!!

I'm Smarter than the devil

posted 06-21-99 12:03 PM ET            

Homer: Dear Lord, I know you're probly busy seeing as how you can watch women undress and all, but if you help me and Bart with our grease business, I promise to give half the profits to charity.

Bart: Dad, he's not stupid.

Homer: Ah to hell with it.

*****

Homer: Look Marge, now that I'm a teacher, I sewed patches onto my jacket.

Marge: That's supposed to be leather patches on a tweed jacket, not the other way around. You ruined a perfectly good jacket!

posted 06-21-99 12:33 PM ET            

Pig: (Through some bushes and across a highway)
Homer: It's just a little dirty! It's still good, it's still good!
Pig: (Hits the side of a bridge and falls off its cart and into the river)
Homer: It's just a little slimy! It's still good, it's still good!
Pig: (Flows into the dam where it gets lodged in a drain hole. As the pressure builds it finally shoots out the other side and flys acrooss the sky)
Homer: It's just a little airborne! It's still good, it's still good!
Bart: Dad, face it. It's gone.
Homer: Oow, I know.

Homer: Doughnut?
Lisa: Do you have any fruit?
Homer: This one has purple stuff, purple's a fruit.

Homer: Ha ha! Look at this country! 'You are gay'! Ha ha!

Homer: I admit it! The record club! The first eight were only a penny...then they jacked up the price!

Homer: What about those red balls they have on car aerials so you can spot your car in a parking lot. I think all cars should have them!

Homer: Wow someone packed light.
Lisa: Maybe your just getting stronger.
Homer: Well, i have been eating more!

Homer: You couldn't fool your mother on your most foolingist day of your life ,even if you had an electrified fooling machine.

Homer: Ooh, the Internet is on computers now.

Scully: Alright Homer, I want you to tell us everything that happened the night you saw the alien.
Homer: Well, the night started at the gentlemen's club,where we were discussing Witzchenstein over a game of Backgammon.
Scully: Homer, it's a felony to lie to the F.B.I.
Homer: We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard, there ya happy?

Homer: Ahh, finally a little quit time to read some of my old favorates, honey roasted peanuts. Ingredients: salt, artificial, honey roasting agents, fresh peanut sweepings... mmmmmm.
Marge: Homer, I have to go out and pick up something for dinner.
Homer: Steak?
Marge: Money's to tight for steak.
Homer: Steak?
Marge: Yeah sure .. steak.

Bart: And I'll start smoking and give that up.
Homer: Good job son, giving up smoking is one of the hardest things you'll ever do. Have a dollar.
Lisa: But he didnt do anything!
Homer: Didnt he Lisa? Didnt he?

Homer: Everything looks bad if you remember it.

Homer: Marge, I've been watching women's volleyball on ESPN

Homer: The only guys who wear Hawaiian shirts are gay guys and big fat party animals...and Bart's not a big fat party animal.

Homer: Moochin' war widows!

Homer: Sweet Merciful crap!

Homer: Jump Free Willy! Jump Free Willy! Jump with all your might!
Characters from the movie: Oh no! Willy didn't make it... and he's crushed our boy!
Homer: Awh, i don't like this new director's cut!

Homer: Lisa could you please pass me the syrup.
Lisa: Bart, tell dad i will only pass it to him if he isn't going to use it on any meat products?
Bart: You gonna dunk that sausage in the sauce homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell bart that i just want to drink a glass of syrup like i do every morning.
Marge: Homer, you can tell him yourself, it's lisa your not talking too, not bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out to me.

(After the Simpsons construct a barn out of pool supplies)
Amish guy: Tis a fine barn to be sure, but tis not a pool.
Homer: D'oheth!

Homer: (pulling Sir Oinksalot tail.) Curly..straight..curly..straight...

Homer: This year I invested in pumpkins.......they've been goin' up the whole month of October and I've got a feeling they're going to peek right around January and BANG......that's when I'll cash in!

Homer: Shut up brain or I'll stab you with a q-tip.

Homer: It takes two to lie: One to lie and one to listen.

Homer: My gastronomic perspicacity knows no satiety.

Homer: You're all nuts.

Homer: Marge, you being the cop makes you the man, which makes me the woman, and I have NO interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear...which as we discussed, was strictly a comfort thing.

Homer: A woman is a lot like...a refridgerator. About 6 feet tall...weighs 300 pounds...and they make....ice........oh, actually, a woman is a lot like a beer.... they look good...they smell good... you'd step over your own mother just to get one......but once you've had one,you've gotta drink another woman...

Homer: (feeling under the couch) eeewww pointy, uh slimy, oh oh moving. Ah Ha! (pulls out $20) Awww 20 dollars i wanted a peanut.
Homer's Brain: 20 dollars can buy many peanuts.
Homer:Explain How.
Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and sevices
Homer: he he (running out of room slips on peanut $20 flys out window)

posted 06-21-99 02:55 PM ET         

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life.
Number one, 'cover for me.'

Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.'
Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'

Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

posted 06-21-99 11:42 PM ET            

(while drunk) So I sez "Red M&M Blue M&M They're all the same in the end"

(said to Bart) Will you change your name to Homer Junior? People can call you HoJu

(after a conversation about Jat Sherman)
Homer: My ears are burning
Lisa: We weren't talking about you Dad
Homer: I know. I wanted to see inside, so I lit a Q-tip

posted 06-22-99 10:28 AM ET            

Homer: Look at these low, low prices on famous brand-name electronics!"
Bart: Don't be a sap dad. These are just crappy knock-offs.
Homer: I know a genuine 'Panaphonics' when I see one. And look! There's Magnet Box and Sorny!

Marge, it's 3 AM. Shouldn't you be cooking or something?

Homer: (whining that there is nothing good on t.v.) Marge, I'm bored...
Marge: Why don't you read a book, then?
Homer: Because I'm trying to reduce my boredom.

Homer: So you're selling what?
Apu: Karmic realignment.
Homer: You can't sell that. Karma can only be apportioned by the universe.

Homer related quote!

Mr. Burns: Who is this Homer Simpson?
Smithers: Actually, he thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, and his wife painted you in the nude.
Mr. Burns: Doesn't ring a bell.

posted 06-22-99 10:37 AM ET            

Mrs. Flanders: I'm right here, Homer.

Homer:[sarcasm]Oh, I see, well then everythings wrapped up in a neat little package.[/sarcasm] No, really, I mean that, sorry if it sounded sarcastic.

Bart: Ned killed his wife.

posted 06-22-99 12:52 PM ET            

When I was seventeen
I drank some very good beer
I drank some very good beer,
I purchased, with a fake ID.
My name was Brian McGee.
I stayed up listening to Queen.
When I was seventeen....

posted 06-22-99 07:10 PM ET         

"Head goes up, head goes down. Head goes
up, head goes down..."

Remaining, as always,