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MikeH II posted 06-10-99 09:04 AM ET
>This is a compilation of actual student GCSE answers...
>It should clear up a lot of misconceptions you may have had about
>history.
>
>1.� Ancient� Egypt� was� inhabited� by� mummies� and� they� all wrote in
>hydraulics.� They lived� in� the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot.
>The climate� of� the� Sarah� is� such that the inhabitants have to live
>elsewhere.
>2.� The� Bible� is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of
>the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple
>tree.� One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
>3.� Moses� led� the� Hebrew� slaves� to� the� Red� Sea,� where
>they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.
>Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died
>before he ever�� reached Canada.
>4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
>5.� The� Greeks� were� a� highly� sculptured people, and without them we
>wouldn't� have� history.� The� Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female
>moth.
>6.� Actually,� Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that
>name.
>7.� Socrates� was� a� famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
>advice.� They� killed him.�� Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
>After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
>8.� In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the
>biscuits, and threw the java.
>9.� Eventually,� the� Romans� conquered the Greeks. History calls people
>Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
>10.� Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
>The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be
>made king.� Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
>11.� Nero� was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing
>the fiddle to them.12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was
>cannonized by Bernard Shaw.
>Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the
>same offense.
>13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of
>the futile� ages� was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also
>wrote literature.
>14.� Another� story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple
>while standing on his son's head.
>15.� Queen� Elizabeth� was� the� "Virgin� Queen."� As� a queen she was a
>success.� When� she� exposed� herself before her troops they all shouted
>hurrah."
>16.� It� was� an� age� of� great� inventions� and discoveries.
>Gutenberg invented� removable type and the Bible. Another important
>invention was the circulation� of� blood.� Sir� Walter Raleigh is a
>historical figure because he invented� cigarettes and started� smoking.
>And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the�� world with a 100 foot clipper.
>17.� The� greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He
>was born� in� the� year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made
>much� money and is famous only because of his plays.� He wrote
>tragedies, comedies,� and hysterectomies,� all in� Islamic� pentameter.
>Romeo and Juliet� are� an example of a heroic couplet.� Romeo's last
>wishwas to be laid by Juliet.
>18.� Writing� at� the� same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes.
>He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton.� Milton
>wrote Paradise Lost.� Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
>19.� During� the� Renaissance� America began. Christopher Columbus was a
>great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic.
>His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
>20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's
>Progress.� The� winter� of� 1620� was� a hard one for the settlers.
>Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John� Smith� was
>responsible for all this.
>21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks
>in their� tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the
>post without stamps. Finally the colonists on the War and no longer had
>to� pay for taxis.� Delegates� from� the original 13 states formed the
>Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin
>were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.� Franklin
>discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A
>horse divided against itself cannot stand.". Franklin died in 1790 and
>is still dead.
>22.� Soon� the� Constitution� of the United States was adopted to secure
>domestic� hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right
>tokeep bare arms.
>23.� Abraham� Lincoln� became� America's� greatest� Precedent.� Lincoln'
>s mother died� in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built
>with� his� own hands.� Abraham� Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the
>Emasculation Proclamation.� On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went
>to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving
>picture show.� The believed� assinator� was� John� Wilkes� Booth,� a
>supposedly insane actor.� This ruined Booth's career.
>24.� Meanwhile� in� Europe,� the� enlightenment� was� a reasonable time.
>Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
>25.� Gravity� was� invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in
>the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
>26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical� compositions and had a large
>number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he
>kept� up� in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.� Bachwas the
>most� famous composer� in� the world and so was Handel. Handel was half
>German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
>27.� Beethoven� wrote� music� even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he
>wrote loud� music.� He took long walks in the forest even when everyone
>was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
>28.� The� French� Revolution was accomplished before it happened and
>catapulted� into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power,
>but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
>29.� The� sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire
>is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
>30.� Queen� Victoria� was� the� longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63
>years.� She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the
>final event which ended her reign.
>31.� The� nineteenth� century� was� a� time of a great many thoughts and
>inventions.� People� stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing
>by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to
>spring up.� Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the
>work of� a hundred men.
>32.� Louis� Pasteur� discovered� a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a
>naturalist� who� wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered
>radio.� And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
>33.� The� First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by
>an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
>
>
>

JohnIII posted 06-10-99 01:19 PM ET
ROFLMAO!!

John III
Hugo Rune posted 06-10-99 03:08 PM ET
And this is GCSE Answers? (Note to americans and other ignorants: The British Educational System has for years equavilent to "High School", The Two first end in the GCSE exams.)
Picker posted 06-10-99 03:14 PM ET
Another School one
In a university biology class, a professor was explaining to the class that there are high levels of glucose in cum. A girl raised her hand and said, "Glucose as in sugar?"
The prof replied, "Yes, that's right."
The girl, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
So of course the whole broke out laughing and she realised what she had just implied and got up and started to walk to the door.
The Profs reply was classic, "Because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue, not the back of your throat."
walruskkkch posted 06-10-99 04:45 PM ET
I was grading papers while in grad school for undergraduates taking an introducion to Western Civilization course and came across this gem.
"Beacuse there was no central government in the middle ages, people wandered aimlessly."
Valtyr posted 06-10-99 08:59 PM ET
Literally: ROFLMAO!
Oh, my stomach hurts!

4Horses posted 06-10-99 10:43 PM ET
I haven't seen these in a while.....thanks for bringing them back.
Tolls posted 06-11-99 04:31 AM ET
Mike:
I think those ones are quite old...
If that's from a newspaper they have a tendency to recycle them from some 1930's book...which (Tolls does his Memory-Man act again) I've completely forgotten the name of...
Then again, I have absolutely no doubt the same stuff is being produced for GCSEs today...
MikeH II posted 06-11-99 05:16 AM ET
They are pretty old Tolls but when I got them through e-mail again yesterday I had to post them, some of them are just SO funny!
I love
>And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
What an incredible mental image.
and
Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
Lucky Socrates.
Actually there are so many great ones.
Hugo: GCSEs are easy, much too easy really. You can do nothing for 2 years and get a bunch of As what's the point in that?
Tolls posted 06-11-99 07:13 AM ET
Sounds good to me...
Good preparation for work life...
MikeH II posted 06-11-99 07:25 AM ET
Good point! They should have had internet access so I could practice the skills I really need at work like e-mail and posting on forums.
Stefu posted 06-11-99 08:32 AM ET
From Finnish test paper:
Finland is 10,000,000 km long.
Victor Galis posted 06-11-99 10:50 AM ET
ROTFL
Provost Harrison posted 06-11-99 12:22 PM ET
very good, very good. Everyone in the computer room here was staring at me laughing my head off!
Hugo Rune posted 06-11-99 01:21 PM ET
Well, you know, it doesn't matter if they're easy or not (They are...), but should students that age really be so... Brainless? (Ignorant? Backward? Stupid?) I thought that sort of thing only happened in america.
Provost Harrison posted 06-12-99 02:58 PM ET
I am not the stupidest of people. Doing a French exam (GCSE) asked 'What does this shop sell?'. The sign read chausseurs. I replied 'false teeth'. Found out later it was shoes
MikeH II posted 06-14-99 04:06 AM ET
Hugo I've met plenty of people over 30 who were just as stupid as the people who wrote those answers.
jig posted 06-14-99 07:45 AM ET
I'm sure at least half of these were deliberate.
jig
Saras posted 06-14-99 08:38 AM ET
ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Brother Greg posted 06-16-99 11:36 PM ET
Ah, that's the best laugh I have had in weeks. The person opposite me told me to be careful or I'd wet myself.
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Author	Topic: This is funny!
MikeH II	posted 06-10-99 09:04 AM ET >This is a compilation of actual student GCSE answers... >It should clear up a lot of misconceptions you may have had about >history. > >1.� Ancient� Egypt� was� inhabited� by� mummies� and� they� all wrote in >hydraulics.� They lived� in� the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. >The climate� of� the� Sarah� is� such that the inhabitants have to live >elsewhere. >2.� The� Bible� is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of >the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple >tree.� One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?" >3.� Moses� led� the� Hebrew� slaves� to� the� Red� Sea,� where >they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. >Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died >before he ever�� reached Canada. >4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. >5.� The� Greeks� were� a� highly� sculptured people, and without them we >wouldn't� have� history.� The� Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female >moth. >6.� Actually,� Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that >name. >7.� Socrates� was� a� famous Greek teacher who went around giving people >advice.� They� killed him.�� Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. >After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. >8.� In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the >biscuits, and threw the java. >9.� Eventually,� the� Romans� conquered the Greeks. History calls people >Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. >10.� Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. >The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be >made king.� Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus." >11.� Nero� was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing >the fiddle to them.12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was >cannonized by Bernard Shaw. >Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the >same offense. >13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of >the futile� ages� was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also >wrote literature. >14.� Another� story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple >while standing on his son's head. >15.� Queen� Elizabeth� was� the� "Virgin� Queen."� As� a queen she was a >success.� When� she� exposed� herself before her troops they all shouted >hurrah." >16.� It� was� an� age� of� great� inventions� and discoveries. >Gutenberg invented� removable type and the Bible. Another important >invention was the circulation� of� blood.� Sir� Walter Raleigh is a >historical figure because he invented� cigarettes and started� smoking. >And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the�� world with a 100 foot clipper. >17.� The� greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He >was born� in� the� year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made >much� money and is famous only because of his plays.� He wrote >tragedies, comedies,� and hysterectomies,� all in� Islamic� pentameter. >Romeo and Juliet� are� an example of a heroic couplet.� Romeo's last >wishwas to be laid by Juliet. >18.� Writing� at� the� same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. >He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton.� Milton >wrote Paradise Lost.� Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. >19.� During� the� Renaissance� America began. Christopher Columbus was a >great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. >His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. >20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's >Progress.� The� winter� of� 1620� was� a hard one for the settlers. >Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John� Smith� was >responsible for all this. >21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks >in their� tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the >post without stamps. Finally the colonists on the War and no longer had >to� pay for taxis.� Delegates� from� the original 13 states formed the >Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin >were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.� Franklin >discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A >horse divided against itself cannot stand.". Franklin died in 1790 and >is still dead. >22.� Soon� the� Constitution� of the United States was adopted to secure >domestic� hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right >tokeep bare arms. >23.� Abraham� Lincoln� became� America's� greatest� Precedent.� Lincoln' >s mother died� in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built >with� his� own hands.� Abraham� Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the >Emasculation Proclamation.� On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went >to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving >picture show.� The believed� assinator� was� John� Wilkes� Booth,� a >supposedly insane actor.� This ruined Booth's career. >24.� Meanwhile� in� Europe,� the� enlightenment� was� a reasonable time. >Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. >25.� Gravity� was� invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in >the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees. >26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical� compositions and had a large >number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he >kept� up� in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.� Bachwas the >most� famous composer� in� the world and so was Handel. Handel was half >German half Italian and half English. He was very large. >27.� Beethoven� wrote� music� even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he >wrote loud� music.� He took long walks in the forest even when everyone >was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. >28.� The� French� Revolution was accomplished before it happened and >catapulted� into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, >but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children. >29.� The� sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire >is in the East and the sun sets in the West. >30.� Queen� Victoria� was� the� longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 >years.� She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the >final event which ended her reign. >31.� The� nineteenth� century� was� a� time of a great many thoughts and >inventions.� People� stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing >by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to >spring up.� Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the >work of� a hundred men. >32.� Louis� Pasteur� discovered� a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a >naturalist� who� wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered >radio.� And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers. >33.� The� First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by >an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history. > > >
JohnIII	posted 06-10-99 01:19 PM ET ROFLMAO!! John III
Hugo Rune	posted 06-10-99 03:08 PM ET And this is GCSE Answers? (Note to americans and other ignorants: The British Educational System has for years equavilent to "High School", The Two first end in the GCSE exams.)
Picker	posted 06-10-99 03:14 PM ET Another School one In a university biology class, a professor was explaining to the class that there are high levels of glucose in cum. A girl raised her hand and said, "Glucose as in sugar?" The prof replied, "Yes, that's right." The girl, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" So of course the whole broke out laughing and she realised what she had just implied and got up and started to walk to the door. The Profs reply was classic, "Because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue, not the back of your throat."
walruskkkch	posted 06-10-99 04:45 PM ET I was grading papers while in grad school for undergraduates taking an introducion to Western Civilization course and came across this gem. "Beacuse there was no central government in the middle ages, people wandered aimlessly."
Valtyr	posted 06-10-99 08:59 PM ET Literally: ROFLMAO! Oh, my stomach hurts!
4Horses	posted 06-10-99 10:43 PM ET I haven't seen these in a while.....thanks for bringing them back.
Tolls	posted 06-11-99 04:31 AM ET Mike: I think those ones are quite old... If that's from a newspaper they have a tendency to recycle them from some 1930's book...which (Tolls does his Memory-Man act again) I've completely forgotten the name of... Then again, I have absolutely no doubt the same stuff is being produced for GCSEs today...
MikeH II	posted 06-11-99 05:16 AM ET They are pretty old Tolls but when I got them through e-mail again yesterday I had to post them, some of them are just SO funny! I love >And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper. What an incredible mental image. and Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. Lucky Socrates. Actually there are so many great ones. Hugo: GCSEs are easy, much too easy really. You can do nothing for 2 years and get a bunch of As what's the point in that?
Tolls	posted 06-11-99 07:13 AM ET Sounds good to me... Good preparation for work life...
MikeH II	posted 06-11-99 07:25 AM ET Good point! They should have had internet access so I could practice the skills I really need at work like e-mail and posting on forums.
Stefu	posted 06-11-99 08:32 AM ET From Finnish test paper: Finland is 10,000,000 km long.
Victor Galis	posted 06-11-99 10:50 AM ET ROTFL
Provost Harrison	posted 06-11-99 12:22 PM ET very good, very good. Everyone in the computer room here was staring at me laughing my head off!
Hugo Rune	posted 06-11-99 01:21 PM ET Well, you know, it doesn't matter if they're easy or not (They are...), but should students that age really be so... Brainless? (Ignorant? Backward? Stupid?) I thought that sort of thing only happened in america.
Provost Harrison	posted 06-12-99 02:58 PM ET I am not the stupidest of people. Doing a French exam (GCSE) asked 'What does this shop sell?'. The sign read chausseurs. I replied 'false teeth'. Found out later it was shoes
MikeH II	posted 06-14-99 04:06 AM ET Hugo I've met plenty of people over 30 who were just as stupid as the people who wrote those answers.
jig	posted 06-14-99 07:45 AM ET I'm sure at least half of these were deliberate. jig
Saras	posted 06-14-99 08:38 AM ET ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Brother Greg	posted 06-16-99 11:36 PM ET Ah, that's the best laugh I have had in weeks. The person opposite me told me to be careful or I'd wet myself.