posted 06-07-99 01:06 PM ET        

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways.

If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?

No guts, no glory, no brain, same story.

If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?

If you don't die from it -- it is healthy.

If everything is going well, you don't know what the heck is going on.

It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it is how he found out.

Since blue and white are the international sign for handicapped, what does that say about the Iowa license plates?

My homework is like a juicy steak -- rarely done.

There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.

If Elvis were alive right now, he'd be scratching at the inside of his coffin.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If at first you don't succeed -- give up! No use being a darn fool.

All things being equal, you lose.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can't fool mom.

No job is so simple that it can't be done wrong.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

posted 06-07-99 01:40 PM ET            

You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.

You've named your kids "Deduction one" and Deduction two"

You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just
allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority
here) friend"

You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.

You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're
richer than you.

You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie."

You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because
that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit...

When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."

You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."

You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.

You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.

You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."

You've never called education a luxury.

You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductible.

You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.

You're afraid of the "liberal media."

You've ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of pornographers.

You think all artists are gay.

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he
is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."

You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when
they don't even have shoes.