(Story) Death Duel: Kazz (by popular request) (Story)

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Author Topic:   (Story) Death Duel: Kazz (by popular request) (Story)

The Great Tawdal posted 07-17-99 03:05 AM ET
Okay, let me explain a couple of things first. Kazz is my character in CWAL (now a CARVer) and he is an insane beaver with a sentient chainsaw named Fluffy (a GIRL chainsaw). In this story, Dorg has paid me a significant amount of money to kill a Protoss (which is an alien with shields and psi blades) named Snapper. Keep in mind, nothing makes any sense.
DISCLAIMER: If you don't like this story, it's your fault for reading it.
[Starbucks]
(Kazz enters the Starbucks. His usual combat savvy, stealthy tactics, and general common sense kick into full gear.)
Kazz: HEY SNAPPER!!! C'MERE SO I CAN KILL YA!!!
(Snapper dashes out the front door into the street.)
Kazz: Damn! He got away!
Dark Chrono: Kazz, here. Take her.
(Dark Chrono hands Fluffy to Kazz.)
Kazz: Ooohhh yeeeahhh! It would help to have my weapon, huh?
Dark Chrono: Just go. Leave. Please.
Kazz: M'kay... hey, do I smell macaroni and cheese?
(Lothos, who his holding a large steaming bowl of macaroni and cheese, quickly throws it out the window and shuts it.)
Lothos: There's no pasta here! LEAVE THE PASTA ALONE!
Kazz: You sure? I swear I smelt something.
Fearless: WHOEVER SMELT IT DEALT IT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Dragoneyes: What's with him?
Dark Chrono: Ever since people started ignoring his drawn-out objections and complaints, he's resorted to mere name calling and childish rhyming.
Fearless: SHUT UP, YOU GAY HOMOSEXUAL! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Dragoneyes: I see.
Kazz: Can I kill him too?
Dark Chrono: Not enough time. Go'way now.
Kazz: M'kay... hang on, where's my stash of Mountain Dew?
Dark Chrono: I SAID GET THE F*CK OUT!!
(Dark Chrono grabs Kazz and punts him out the door.)
Kazz: WHEEEEEEEEEEE*crash*
[Outside Starbucks]
(Kazz sits on the grass in Starbucks' small front yard. He turns on his walkie-talkie.)
Kazz: Fuzzy Cute Beaver to Card Butt.
Dorg: -v^- I'm here, Ka--
Kazz: Fuzzy Cute Beaver to Card Butt.
Dorg: -v^- I said I'm h--
Kazz: Come In Card Butt.
Dorg: -v^- I'M HERE DAMN IT! -v^-
Kazz: No need to get hostile, now. Any idea where Snapper went?
Dorg: -v^- *sigh* No, Kazz, it is YOUR job to find and kill him. -v^-
Kazz: What did the helicopter find?
Dorg: -v^- What helicopter? CARV doesn't h--
Kazz: Come In Card Butt.
Dorg: -v^- I'M STILL TALKING! We don't have a helicopter! -v^-
Kazz: Well how do you expect to find Snapper?
Dorg: -v^- THAT'S YOUR JOB! I'm busy! -v^-
Kazz: Whatcha doin?
Dorg: -v^- I'm taking a shower. -v^-
(Kazz pauses.)
Kazz: You mean.. right now?
Dorg: -v^- Yeah. -v^-
Kazz: Can I join you?
Dorg: -v^- NO! End Transmis--
Kazz: Fuzzy Cute Beaver to Card B--
Dorg: -v^- END TRANSMISSION! *click* -v^-
Kazz: Card Butt? CARD BUTT?!! ARE YOU THERE?!?!
(Kazz rips open his walkie-talkie. Wires spring out and a speaker falls to the ground.)
Kazz: He's GONE! Someone must have kidnapped him!
(Kazz thinks for a moment.)
Kazz: SNAPPER! It had to have been Snapper!
(Kazz gets up and searches the horizon.)
Kazz (slowly turning head): Let's see.. tree.. building.. bush.. fence.. running Protoss.. building.. Starbucks.. tree.. building.. bush.. fence.. running Protoss.. HEY! Wait a second! Fence, bush, building, tree.. TREE!
(Kazz tackles the tree and climbs up it.)
Kazz: ARE YOU IN THIS TREE, SNAPPER?!?!
Snapper: No.
Kazz: DAMN IT! Where is that sneaky bastard?
Snapper: Behind the fence.
Kazz: Ah-HA! Thank you, Snapper!
(Kazz dives behind the fence. Snapper dives after him, grabs him, throws Fluffy to the side, and turns on his power blade.)
Kazz: Hey, Snap! I've been ordered to kill you, so would you please let me go?
Snapper: I'm not going down, especially not to a stupid HEY WHAT THE--
(Snapper's agent comes up behind him and hits him in the back of the head with a briefcase. He drops Kazz, who scrambles for Fluffy.)
Snapper: OUCH! It's HAPPENING AGAAAAAIN!
(Snapper's angry Aunt Thelma comes up behind him and hits him in the back of the head with a briefcase. Kazz, seeing his advantage, lunges at Snapper and cuts down his shields.)
Snapper: Got to escape! GOT TO ESCAPE!
(Snapper makes a run for it. Kazz, along with a horde of angry people wielding briefcases, chase after him.)
(Meanwhile, in the middle of Starbucks' yard, the dismantled walkie-talkie springs to life.)
Dorg: -v^- *fsssshh* Kazz? Kazz, are *ffssh* still there? Oh wait, I see *fssssh* towards Snapper right now. What the *ffssshh* is with the horde of angry *fsssssshhh* briefcases *fsssshh* cheesecake *fsssssssshhhhhhhh* telephone wires *fssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhh* Ribs the Clown *fssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh* I should probably turn *fssshh* shower water off, now, huh? *drip drip drip drip* There we go. Kazz, can you hear me? KAZZ?! -v^-
[In an alleyway]
Kazz: We've got you cornered, Snapper, and behind you is a bottomless pit! And to the right of you is a building full of angry shark beings from planet Zoowamba! And to the left of you is a giant angry man named Herbie the Insane Viking of Nottingham!
Herbie the Insane Viking of Nottingham: Bread?
Kazz: Snapper took your bread, Herbie!
Herbie the Insane Viking of Nottingham: NO BREAD?! STEAL BREAD??!! KEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLL!!!
Kazz: And in front of you is me, plus a random assortment of people with heavy briefcases, just ITCHING to whack you over the head with them!
Random Assortment of People: Anybody got some Gold Bond Medicated Itch Powder?
Kazz: Not that kind of itching, stupid.
Random Assortment of People: Don't call us/him/her/them stupid!
Kazz: Sorry. Now, Snapper, what can you possibly do to escape?
(Snapper disappears in a flash of light. Everybody just stands there, staring at the spot where Snapper just was.)
Kazz: Uhhhhh.. Snap?
(Silence. A tumbleweed rolls past.)
Herbie the Insane Viking of Nottingham: TUMBLEWEED IS SNAPPER!! KEEEEEEEEEELLLLL!!!
(Herbie dives at the tumbleweed, missing and falling into the bottomless pit.)
Herbie the Insane Viking of Nottingham: Whoopsie! ME FALL! ME NO LIIIIIIIKE!!!
Kazz: Herbie!
Random Assortment of People: We're going to go home and take some baths. We'll see you later, Kazz.
Kazz: Random Assortment!
(The building full of shark beings from planet Zoowamba collapses. Heaps of shark being corpses spill from the wreckage.)
Kazz: Angry shark beings! Well.. I guess I'll have to find + kill Snapper myself.
[Roof of Starbucks]
Kazz: One.. Two.. THREE!
(Kazz pushes himself off the roof in the flying wheelbarrow. It soars into the air. He looks down over the sides in front of the cardboard taped-on wings and searches for Snapper.)
Kazz: Heeeeeere Snapper Snapper Snapper! Heeeeeeeeeeeeeere Snapper Snapper Snapper!
(Kazz continues searching. Suddenly, he crashes through the top floor window of Blizzard Entertainment Headquarters, having forgotten to steer.)
[CEO's office]
CEO: BEAVER!
Kazz: Hiya, CEO!
CEO: Um.. Hello.
HP: This is a CWALer, sir!
CEO: And?
HP: And they're our mortal enemies!
CEO: What do you want me to do about it?
(Kazz turns the wheelbarrow around and gets ready to fly back out the window.)
HP: HE'S GETTING AWAY, SIR!
CEO: So? BYE, BEAVER!
(Kazz pushes off and flies away from the broken window. HP loses control and slaps the CEO across the face.)
HP: YOU LET HIM GET AWAY!!
CEO: HEY! Don't you slap me unless I tell you to slap me!
HP: Uh.. You DID tell me to slap you.
CEO: I did?
HP: Yep.
CEO: Oh. Well then. Continue.
(HP continues slapping CEO until he is red in the face. Eventually, CEO passes out on his desk. HP steals a pen and runs away.)
[Meanwhile, in a completely unrelated place and time]
Benjamin Franklin: George! Look!
George Washington: What is it, Ben, I'm busy looking regal and important!
James Madison: It looks like.. a cart of some type.. with wings like a bird!
Alexander Hamilton: IT'S COMIN' RIGHT FOR US!
(Everybody dashes away from the window. Kazz crashes through the window in his flying wheelbarrow. Ripped pieces of paper fly into the air.)
James Madison: The Bill of Rights! It's RUINED!
George Washington: Is it? Hmmmm... Hey Alexander!
Alexander Hamilton: What?
George Washington: STUCK WITH IT! (George quickly writes something down.) And by Constitutional decree, you are forbidden to speak until you are no longer stuck with it!
Alexander Hamilton: *MMPH!*
James Madison: That's a violation of the Bill of Rights!
Benjamin Franklin: What Bill of Rights? It's been destroyed by a flying beaver!
James Madison: Ohh, so it's PERFECTLY legal!
Kazz: Well, uh, I'll be off, then.
(James Madison hits Alexander Hamilton in the back of the head. Alexander Hamilton sits there, unable to complain.)
James Madison: Ha ha! This is GREAT! *whack whack whack*
(Kazz takes off in the wheelbarrow and flies away. Alexander Hamilton grabs the quill pen and starts writing on the Constitution.)
[About 200 years later, in Washington, D.C.]
Man: And the constitution forever read, "James Madison is a neener-head. Hamilton RAWKS an gets all da ladies. Benjamin Franklin is a fat-ass. STUCK WITH IT STUCK WITH IT STUCK WITH IT STUCK WITH IT," under the 1st amendment.
[Irvine, California]
Snapper: STOP IT, KAZZ! You've screwed inadvertantly screwed over American history and, as an indirect result, Dark Chrono has a lame haircut!
(Dark Chrono, with a very un-Protoss-like Afro haircut, walks outside and smacks Snapper.)
Dark Chrono: My hair is PHAT, yo!
(Kazz lands his wheelbarrow in the yard.)
Kazz: Why SHOULD I stop?
Dark Chrono: Umm.. Kazz.
Kazz: What?
(Dark Chrono points at Snapper.)
Kazz: Ohh yeeeahh!
(Kazz sticks Fluffy into Snapper's midsection. Snapper squeals in pain, then collapses on the ground and disappears in blue smoke.)
Kazz: M'kay. He's dead.
Dorg (from afar): It's about damn time!
- The Great Tawdal
itdoesntfit posted 07-17-99 03:15 PM ET
I can't laugh because I don't know what CWAL means, if you tell me, I'll do some reading on it and come back. It seems pretty funny (if only I knew the characters personalities).
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Author	Topic: (Story) Death Duel: Kazz (by popular request) (Story)
The Great Tawdal	posted 07-17-99 03:05 AM ET Okay, let me explain a couple of things first. Kazz is my character in CWAL (now a CARVer) and he is an insane beaver with a sentient chainsaw named Fluffy (a GIRL chainsaw). In this story, Dorg has paid me a significant amount of money to kill a Protoss (which is an alien with shields and psi blades) named Snapper. Keep in mind, nothing makes any sense. DISCLAIMER: If you don't like this story, it's your fault for reading it. [Starbucks] (Kazz enters the Starbucks. His usual combat savvy, stealthy tactics, and general common sense kick into full gear.) Kazz: HEY SNAPPER!!! C'MERE SO I CAN KILL YA!!! (Snapper dashes out the front door into the street.) Kazz: Damn! He got away! Dark Chrono: Kazz, here. Take her. (Dark Chrono hands Fluffy to Kazz.) Kazz: Ooohhh yeeeahhh! It would help to have my weapon, huh? Dark Chrono: Just go. Leave. Please. Kazz: M'kay... hey, do I smell macaroni and cheese? (Lothos, who his holding a large steaming bowl of macaroni and cheese, quickly throws it out the window and shuts it.) Lothos: There's no pasta here! LEAVE THE PASTA ALONE! Kazz: You sure? I swear I smelt something. Fearless: WHOEVER SMELT IT DEALT IT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Dragoneyes: What's with him? Dark Chrono: Ever since people started ignoring his drawn-out objections and complaints, he's resorted to mere name calling and childish rhyming. Fearless: SHUT UP, YOU GAY HOMOSEXUAL! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Dragoneyes: I see. Kazz: Can I kill him too? Dark Chrono: Not enough time. Go'way now. Kazz: M'kay... hang on, where's my stash of Mountain Dew? Dark Chrono: I SAID GET THE FCK OUT!! (Dark Chrono grabs Kazz and punts him out the door.) Kazz: WHEEEEEEEEEEEcrash* [Outside Starbucks] (Kazz sits on the grass in Starbucks' small front yard. He turns on his walkie-talkie.) Kazz: Fuzzy Cute Beaver to Card Butt. Dorg: -v^- I'm here, Ka-- Kazz: Fuzzy Cute Beaver to Card Butt. Dorg: -v^- I said I'm h-- Kazz: Come In Card Butt. Dorg: -v^- I'M HERE DAMN IT! -v^- Kazz: No need to get hostile, now. Any idea where Snapper went? Dorg: -v^- sigh No, Kazz, it is YOUR job to find and kill him. -v^- Kazz: What did the helicopter find? Dorg: -v^- What helicopter? CARV doesn't h-- Kazz: Come In Card Butt. Dorg: -v^- I'M STILL TALKING! We don't have a helicopter! -v^- Kazz: Well how do you expect to find Snapper? Dorg: -v^- THAT'S YOUR JOB! I'm busy! -v^- Kazz: Whatcha doin? Dorg: -v^- I'm taking a shower. -v^- (Kazz pauses.) Kazz: You mean.. right now? Dorg: -v^- Yeah. -v^- Kazz: Can I join you? Dorg: -v^- NO! End Transmis-- Kazz: Fuzzy Cute Beaver to Card B-- Dorg: -v^- END TRANSMISSION! click -v^- Kazz: Card Butt? CARD BUTT?!! ARE YOU THERE?!?! (Kazz rips open his walkie-talkie. Wires spring out and a speaker falls to the ground.) Kazz: He's GONE! Someone must have kidnapped him! (Kazz thinks for a moment.) Kazz: SNAPPER! It had to have been Snapper! (Kazz gets up and searches the horizon.) Kazz (slowly turning head): Let's see.. tree.. building.. bush.. fence.. running Protoss.. building.. Starbucks.. tree.. building.. bush.. fence.. running Protoss.. HEY! Wait a second! Fence, bush, building, tree.. TREE! (Kazz tackles the tree and climbs up it.) Kazz: ARE YOU IN THIS TREE, SNAPPER?!?! Snapper: No. Kazz: DAMN IT! Where is that sneaky bastard? Snapper: Behind the fence. Kazz: Ah-HA! Thank you, Snapper! (Kazz dives behind the fence. Snapper dives after him, grabs him, throws Fluffy to the side, and turns on his power blade.) Kazz: Hey, Snap! I've been ordered to kill you, so would you please let me go? Snapper: I'm not going down, especially not to a stupid HEY WHAT THE-- (Snapper's agent comes up behind him and hits him in the back of the head with a briefcase. He drops Kazz, who scrambles for Fluffy.) Snapper: OUCH! It's HAPPENING AGAAAAAIN! (Snapper's angry Aunt Thelma comes up behind him and hits him in the back of the head with a briefcase. Kazz, seeing his advantage, lunges at Snapper and cuts down his shields.) Snapper: Got to escape! GOT TO ESCAPE! (Snapper makes a run for it. Kazz, along with a horde of angry people wielding briefcases, chase after him.) (Meanwhile, in the middle of Starbucks' yard, the dismantled walkie-talkie springs to life.) Dorg: -v^- fsssshh Kazz? Kazz, are ffssh still there? Oh wait, I see fssssh towards Snapper right now. What the ffssshh is with the horde of angry fsssssshhh briefcases fsssshh cheesecake fsssssssshhhhhhhh telephone wires fssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhh Ribs the Clown fssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I should probably turn fssshh shower water off, now, huh? drip drip drip drip There we go. Kazz, can you hear me? KAZZ?! -v^- [In an alleyway] Kazz: We've got you cornered, Snapper, and behind you is a bottomless pit! And to the right of you is a building full of angry shark beings from planet Zoowamba! And to the left of you is a giant angry man named Herbie the Insane Viking of Nottingham! Herbie the Insane Viking of Nottingham: Bread? Kazz: Snapper took your bread, Herbie! Herbie the Insane Viking of Nottingham: NO BREAD?! STEAL BREAD??!! KEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLL!!! Kazz: And in front of you is me, plus a random assortment of people with heavy briefcases, just ITCHING to whack you over the head with them! Random Assortment of People: Anybody got some Gold Bond Medicated Itch Powder? Kazz: Not that kind of itching, stupid. Random Assortment of People: Don't call us/him/her/them stupid! Kazz: Sorry. Now, Snapper, what can you possibly do to escape? (Snapper disappears in a flash of light. Everybody just stands there, staring at the spot where Snapper just was.) Kazz: Uhhhhh.. Snap? (Silence. A tumbleweed rolls past.) Herbie the Insane Viking of Nottingham: TUMBLEWEED IS SNAPPER!! KEEEEEEEEEELLLLL!!! (Herbie dives at the tumbleweed, missing and falling into the bottomless pit.) Herbie the Insane Viking of Nottingham: Whoopsie! ME FALL! ME NO LIIIIIIIKE!!! Kazz: Herbie! Random Assortment of People: We're going to go home and take some baths. We'll see you later, Kazz. Kazz: Random Assortment! (The building full of shark beings from planet Zoowamba collapses. Heaps of shark being corpses spill from the wreckage.) Kazz: Angry shark beings! Well.. I guess I'll have to find + kill Snapper myself. [Roof of Starbucks] Kazz: One.. Two.. THREE! (Kazz pushes himself off the roof in the flying wheelbarrow. It soars into the air. He looks down over the sides in front of the cardboard taped-on wings and searches for Snapper.) Kazz: Heeeeeere Snapper Snapper Snapper! Heeeeeeeeeeeeeere Snapper Snapper Snapper! (Kazz continues searching. Suddenly, he crashes through the top floor window of Blizzard Entertainment Headquarters, having forgotten to steer.) [CEO's office] CEO: BEAVER! Kazz: Hiya, CEO! CEO: Um.. Hello. HP: This is a CWALer, sir! CEO: And? HP: And they're our mortal enemies! CEO: What do you want me to do about it? (Kazz turns the wheelbarrow around and gets ready to fly back out the window.) HP: HE'S GETTING AWAY, SIR! CEO: So? BYE, BEAVER! (Kazz pushes off and flies away from the broken window. HP loses control and slaps the CEO across the face.) HP: YOU LET HIM GET AWAY!! CEO: HEY! Don't you slap me unless I tell you to slap me! HP: Uh.. You DID tell me to slap you. CEO: I did? HP: Yep. CEO: Oh. Well then. Continue. (HP continues slapping CEO until he is red in the face. Eventually, CEO passes out on his desk. HP steals a pen and runs away.) [Meanwhile, in a completely unrelated place and time] Benjamin Franklin: George! Look! George Washington: What is it, Ben, I'm busy looking regal and important! James Madison: It looks like.. a cart of some type.. with wings like a bird! Alexander Hamilton: IT'S COMIN' RIGHT FOR US! (Everybody dashes away from the window. Kazz crashes through the window in his flying wheelbarrow. Ripped pieces of paper fly into the air.) James Madison: The Bill of Rights! It's RUINED! George Washington: Is it? Hmmmm... Hey Alexander! Alexander Hamilton: What? George Washington: STUCK WITH IT! (George quickly writes something down.) And by Constitutional decree, you are forbidden to speak until you are no longer stuck with it! Alexander Hamilton: MMPH! James Madison: That's a violation of the Bill of Rights! Benjamin Franklin: What Bill of Rights? It's been destroyed by a flying beaver! James Madison: Ohh, so it's PERFECTLY legal! Kazz: Well, uh, I'll be off, then. (James Madison hits Alexander Hamilton in the back of the head. Alexander Hamilton sits there, unable to complain.) James Madison: Ha ha! This is GREAT! whack whack whack (Kazz takes off in the wheelbarrow and flies away. Alexander Hamilton grabs the quill pen and starts writing on the Constitution.) [About 200 years later, in Washington, D.C.] Man: And the constitution forever read, "James Madison is a neener-head. Hamilton RAWKS an gets all da ladies. Benjamin Franklin is a fat-ass. STUCK WITH IT STUCK WITH IT STUCK WITH IT STUCK WITH IT," under the 1st amendment. [Irvine, California] Snapper: STOP IT, KAZZ! You've screwed inadvertantly screwed over American history and, as an indirect result, Dark Chrono has a lame haircut! (Dark Chrono, with a very un-Protoss-like Afro haircut, walks outside and smacks Snapper.) Dark Chrono: My hair is PHAT, yo! (Kazz lands his wheelbarrow in the yard.) Kazz: Why SHOULD I stop? Dark Chrono: Umm.. Kazz. Kazz: What? (Dark Chrono points at Snapper.) Kazz: Ohh yeeeahh! (Kazz sticks Fluffy into Snapper's midsection. Snapper squeals in pain, then collapses on the ground and disappears in blue smoke.) Kazz: M'kay. He's dead. Dorg (from afar): It's about damn time! - The Great Tawdal
itdoesntfit	posted 07-17-99 03:15 PM ET I can't laugh because I don't know what CWAL means, if you tell me, I'll do some reading on it and come back. It seems pretty funny (if only I knew the characters personalities).