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Author Topic:   SMAC jokes.

Delgath posted 06-07-99 12:55 AM ET
Miriam and Deidre were both attending the same party. The hostess came up to Deidre and offered her a G&T. Deidre accepted. When Miriam was asked the same question she replied, "I'd rather commit adultery than allow liquor to pass my lips".
Deidre threw away her glass and said, "You mean we get a choice?"
Delgath. UoP.
-Where do you want to colonize today?
jimmytrick posted 06-07-99 01:00 AM ET
SMAC jokes?
General couslee.
hahahahahahahahahahahahha
Lt. Col. jtrick
Tri-Chiron Defense League
(commander of "WIMPY", the fearless former)
JAMstillAM posted 06-07-99 01:05 AM ET
Miriam and Lal walked into a building. You'd think that one of them would have seen it.

Santiago and Deirdre were walking thru Sparta Command when Deirdre spotted a makeup compact on the the ground. Upon picking it up and opening it she said "Gee, this woman looks familiar..." With catlike agility, Santiago snatched it from her and looked into it as well, exclaiming "Of course, you idiot, it's ME!"
JAMiAM
Delgath posted 06-07-99 01:15 AM ET
Morgan and Zakharov were sitting on a bench in a park watching the native wildlife. The ageing Zakharov had an enormous grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asked Morgan.
"I just broke a mirror!" replied the Provost.
"But that means 7 years bad luck!"
"I know" grinned Zakharov, "Isn't it wonderful."
A young man was wandering around The Hive looking for a place to live. Eventually he gave up and began to return to the 4 by 4 cell where he lived.
While walking home he tripped on an old metal food paste can, falling to the ground. Getting up swearing he gave the can an almighty kick, pooping open the lid and spilling out a little blue genie.
"You may have one wish!" said the Genie.
"OK, I'll have a four bedroomed Hive apartment, with a bathroom, kitchen and laundry" replied the young man.
"Son", said the Genie, "If I could get an apartment in the Hive with four bedrooms, a bathroom, kitchen and laundry, Do you think I'd be living in an old food paste can?
-Delgath. UoP.
Where do you want to joke today?
LoD posted 06-07-99 09:48 AM ET
Zhakarov, Miriam, Lal and Yang were escaping mindworms in a Scout Rover. Unfortunately, after a moment the boil started to gain on them. Zhakarov picked up Miriam and threw her out. The worms stopped and feasted on her for a moment, then resumed the hunt. After several minutes it was 20 meters from the rover. Zhakarov threw out Yang. The worms gobbled up the commie, and restarted their previous task. When they were about 30m from the rover, Zak placed a singularity laser and the rear of the vehicle and annihilated the boil.
"Why didn't you do it the first time?" asked Lal, shocked.
"You're kidding" grinned Zak, picking up a small bottle from a compartment "a hundred*
for four?"
*That's 100 ml of vodka
A drunk Zhakarov zigzagging through the corridor, mumbling "A liter* for seven, a liter for seven"
Natalya stops him and asks:
"If that was a liter for seven people, than why are you so drunk?"
"Tthe ottther sssix dddidddn't arrrivve..."
*A liter of you-know-what
LoD
Note: This post does not promote the consumption of alcoholic beverages of any type.
Delgath posted 06-07-99 03:53 PM ET
Anytime you see a guy open the rover door for his girlfriend either the rover's new, or the girlfriend is
A Morgan juggler was driving to the newest Morgan casino to perform his act when he was pulled over by the police.
"Why do you have all those machetes in the back?" asked the copper.
"I juggle them in my act" replied the juggler.
"Ok then", said the policeman, "Let's see you do it"
The juggler got out of the car and was juggling, whilst another rover passed by.
"Gee", said the passer by, "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"
A man was driving his rover through some bush when he saw a young boy running through the trees with a mind worm boil hot on his heels.
"Quick! Jump in!" said the man bringing the car to a screeching halt.
"Thanks!" said the boy, "Most people don't offer a ride to a boy with a pet mindworm boil"
BusterMan posted 06-07-99 05:14 PM ET
Civilization Call to Power
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! now thats funny
TheHelperMonkey posted 06-07-99 07:27 PM ET
Hahahahahaha!
*wipes tears from eyes*
You're kidding, right?
whirlwind13 posted 06-07-99 10:38 PM ET
Why did Miram cross the mag tube?
Because +25% dont mean a damn thing when your fighting with sticks!
Delgath posted 06-08-99 08:10 AM ET
Sheng-ji Yang was late for a meeting so he told his stretched rover driver to step on it. The driver refused on the grounds that that would be against the law due to breaking the speed limit. So Yang swapped places with the driver and drove himself.
After a few kilometres, the limo-rover was pulled over by the police. One policeman got out of his car, walked over to the limo, looked in the window and immediatly returned to his car.
"Why didn't you charge that guy?" asked his partner.
"I didn't see who it was but whoever they are, they're far too important. I don't know who it was but Chairman Yang was their chaffeur!"
-Del.
Where do you want to colonize today?
HMFIC posted 06-08-99 10:25 AM ET
"Take my mindworm, please."
-- Henny Yang-man, Datalinks
Delgath posted 06-08-99 07:19 PM ET
Chairman Yang was visiting Morgan Industries when he came across a hive citizen who had moved to the Morgan city.
Ahh Comrade! Tell me, you have a job here no? How do these capitalist bosses treat you?
Well sometimes if you are walking home from work they pick you up in their limosines and drive you home, sometimes they buy you presents and sometimes they take you away for the weekend and make love to you.
And how many times has this happened to you?
Well to me never, but to my sister several times.
Delgath.
Where do you want to colonize today?
whirlwind13 posted 06-08-99 11:15 PM ET
Chairman Yang went to visit a Hab Complex in The Hive to see what it was like for the people there. He went up to a man and asked him: "Do you have plenty of nutrients to eat?" "Oh yes" the man said. "Do you have enough enegy credits for you and your family?" asked Yang. "Of course" said the man. "Do you have your own rover?" "I have that to, I have everything I ever wanted" replied the man. Then The Chairman asked "Do you know who I am?" The man bluntly replied "Your a morganite probe team, anyone else would know we dont have ****!"
Aredhran posted 06-09-99 05:05 AM ET
Morganite probe team, indeed ! LMAO
laurens posted 06-09-99 06:03 AM ET
This is really funny :>
How on Chiron you guyz are able to come up with such 'droned/talented' jokes?

A resident's voice
googlie posted 06-09-99 11:13 AM ET
If a bucket of cold water can separate two rutting dogs, how do you separate two mating mindworms?
Carefully
Transcendent posted 06-09-99 11:34 AM ET
Miriam goes to the doctor with a lettuce leaf hanging out of her arse.
"That looks nasty" says the doctor
"That's nothing" says Miriam "that's just the tip of the iceberg"
Delgath posted 06-09-99 09:24 PM ET
A new Punishment Sphere Youth Containment Hive Operation (P.S.Y.C.H.O. (A Prison)) guard was being led into the jail for his first day.
"Do you think you can handle these drones?" asked the Warden, "They're about as tough as they get"
"No problem" said the guard, "Any trouble and out they go."
One of CEO Morgan's many sons was standing on a street corner selling news disks. EXTRA! EXTRA! TWO MEN SWINDLED!, he yelled.
A passing man ran up, bought a disk and put it in his player. Hey Kid! There's nothing in here about 2 men being swindled, he said.
EXTRA! EXTRA! THREE MEN SWINDLED! yelled the child.
-Delgath.
Where do you want to colonize today?
whirlwind13 posted 06-09-99 10:11 PM ET
Miram decided all of the letters sent within the Habitation Complex's should be done by paper mail, including old-fashioned postage stamps with her face printed on them. She ordered the stamps be made with the finest materials. Soon, however, complaints filted back to Miram about the quality of the glue on the stamps. An immediate investigation was ordered.
Later a probe team came back and told her "there is nothing wrong with your stamps, the glue sticks fine, the drones were just spitting on the wrong side"
The ArchChancellor
Transcendent posted 06-10-99 04:32 AM ET
Deirdre went out to her mail box and looked in, closed the door and
went back in the house. A few minutes later she went out and looked
in the mail box again.
She did this several times and her neighbour that was watching her
said, "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way
you keep looking into your mail box".
Deirdre answered "No, I am working on my computer and it keeps
telling me that I have mail."
laurens posted 06-10-99 05:07 AM ET
While on a date, Morgan decides to kiss Deirdre.
Deirdre, "Oh kissing, that is an interesting phenomenon that occurs in nature. This is an initiating process for sex not only found in homosapiens but also in all heterosapiens, mammals, camels and mindworms alike. Out of 1000 ants observed out a laboratory in Yugoslavia (on old Earth) 90% of them seems to involve in the kissing process but the subsequence is very random with probability 0.672139 that a male ant kisses his female counterpart. First observe the behaviour of ants and cockroaches and isles of the deep under varying conditions. That will be very interesting. Isn't it?
Mr. Morgan has a heart attack.

Delgath posted 06-10-99 10:09 PM ET
Why did the Gaian fall out of the tree?
Because he was dead.
Why did the second Gaian fall out of a tree?
Because the first one hit it.
Why did the third Gaian fall out of the tree?
Because he thought suicide was the "in" thing.
Why did the morganite die?
Three Gaians fell on his head.
Delgath posted 06-11-99 08:26 AM ET
Zakharov: What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Miriam: I don't know and I don't care.
-Delgath.
-Where do you want to colonize today?
Delgath posted 06-11-99 06:21 PM ET
Interview with CEO Morgan, Datalinks.
...All I want is a woman with a good sense of humour who can cook. Is that too much to ask of an heiress?
Rimmer posted 06-14-99 12:45 AM ET
All of us
Delgath posted 06-14-99 02:20 AM ET
How many elephants can you fit in a rover?
2. one in the driver's seat and one in the passenger seat.
How many Spartans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They don't. Spartans aren't afraid of the dark.
-Delgath. UoP.
Rackam posted 06-14-99 12:06 PM ET
I apologise in advance to those who might be offended by this one.

How many Believers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, God will change it for them.
~Rackam
MichaeltheGreat posted 06-14-99 12:23 PM ET
Hey Rackam - now you know why those asteroid keep hitting you! ;: o:
Delgath posted 06-16-99 01:53 AM ET
How many Spartans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four. DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
How many Morganite economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
How many did it take this time last year?
How many PK bureaucrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
2. One to assure everyone that they have their best man on the job, and everything will soon be fixed, and one to screw the bulb into the water tap.
-Delgath. UoP.
SHENANAGANS!
Rackam posted 06-16-99 11:37 AM ET
How many Believers does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, to call up the UoP to find out why it's dark.
~Rackam
MTG, it's funny, but I just realised that most of the impacts were when I was playing Miriam :P
Delgath posted 06-16-99 08:51 PM ET
How many Morganite salesmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
I'm just going to work this out on my computer and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
-Del. UoP.
OZZIE OZZIE OZZIE!
MikeH II posted 06-17-99 05:03 AM ET
How many Gaians does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, Deidre holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
OldWarrior_42 posted 06-17-99 05:42 AM ET
Now that one made me laugh like a son of a b.tch
Stasis Archon posted 06-17-99 10:15 AM ET
How many believers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it and one to shout "Let there be light!"
How many Morganites does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it and one to sell the old lightbulb.
laurens posted 06-17-99 11:01 AM ET
Mr. Provost and his wife are married for so long, but never been close. One day finally, Mrs. Provost wants to give the prof a surprise kiss:
"You want to kiss me. That is fine I assume that you know the algorithm for that very well. But you have to complete the process within 56.22 seconds or else connection will be timed out. To optmise the timing lets do parallel processing. As we have to discuss about our future and other things, let us do the process of discussion foreground and why can't you put the process of Kissing background?"
Mrs. Provost files for divorce.
edgecrusher posted 06-17-99 11:45 AM ET
what does does deirdre do when she wakes up in the morning?
she goes home.
Delgath posted 06-18-99 12:26 AM ET
How does Deirdre turn on the light in the morning?
She opens the rover door.
-Del. Uop.
edgecrusher posted 06-18-99 11:12 PM ET
did you know that deirdre has devised a method of birth control using mindworms and a planetbuster?
it's called Mom Bomb.
"edgecrusher" - Spartan Probe Team 'Angelis'
edgecrusher posted 06-18-99 11:28 PM ET
Yang and Miriam are falling off of a building. who hits first?
do you honestly care?
"edgecrusher" Spartan Probe Team 'Angelis'
Delgath posted 06-19-99 07:33 AM ET
How many Firaxis programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It can't be done. It's a hardware problem.
-Del. UoP.
LoD posted 06-19-99 08:25 AM ET
How many Morganites CEO's does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five - one changes the lightbulb, and the other four try to knock him from the stool.
How many Spartans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three - one changes the lightbulb, and the other two threaten to break it.
LoD
LoD
LoD posted 06-19-99 03:43 PM ET
"Sister Miriam, that guy from the tech team says that you are a stupid fanatic, you haven't finished high school back on Earth, and you don't even know the meanings of latin quotes you use."
"Just tell that he can kiss my ass and vice versa"
LoD
Delgath posted 06-20-99 06:28 PM ET
How many Gaian Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Fish.
-Del. UoP.
Delgath posted 06-24-99 07:59 PM ET
I say, I say, I say, back on earth I 'ad a dog with no nose.
No NOSE? 'Ow did 'e smell?
TERRIBLE!
What's the difference between a Spartan and a draught horse?
A Spartan darts into the fray.
-Del. UoP.
edgecrusher posted 06-26-99 04:59 PM ET
did you hear about provost zakharov's new cook book?
it's called "you too can taste my fruit."
"edgecrusher" ~ Spartan Probe Team 'Angelis'
Delgath posted 07-01-99 01:11 AM ET
In an historical meeting between Miriam, of the Believer/Spartan alliance and Provost Zakharov of the University/Peacekeeper alliance, Miriam descended from her copter and passed Zak a letter from Santiago.
The letter read: Please ignore this women, she is an idiot.
-Del. UoP.
Darkstar posted 07-01-99 02:00 PM ET
Q: What does Deidre say after having sex?
A: Aren't all you guys on the same team?
Q: Why do graduates of New Jerusalum's College put their diploma's in their Rover's windows?
A: So they can park in the Handicapped spots.
-Darkstar
edgecrusher posted 07-01-99 02:40 PM ET
why did the monolith disappear?
because someone uploaded windows 98 into it.

"edgecrusher" ~ Spartan Probe Team 'Angelis'
Rackam posted 07-02-99 06:47 AM ET
Edge - ROFL
MikeH II posted 07-02-99 07:21 AM ET
How many survivors of a Mindworm attack does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't know....
THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU WEREN'T THERE MAN!
What's the difference between Diedre and a fridge? The fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out.
Two gaians fell out of a tree,
Boom boom.
Miriam, Dierdre and Santiago are queuing up to trancend and each of them first had to speak to planet.
"I cannot allow anyone unclean to trancend." Then to Miriam, "has any part of your body touched a human male's reproductive organs?"
Miriam looks ashamed "Yes, my hands, may God forgive me."
"Then you must wash your hands in my sacred pool," Miriam washes and then trancends.
There is a bit of shoving at the back of the queue. "What's going on back there?"
Santiago pipes up from the back. "Listen can I go before Diedre? If I'm going to have to wash my mouth out in that pool I want to do it before she shoves her arse in it."
edgecrusher posted 07-07-99 03:45 PM ET
good one, mikeh ii... it's a nice spin on some other joke.
"edgecrusher" ~ Spartan Probe Team 'angelis'
laurens posted 07-07-99 10:40 PM ET
Deirdre was cycling along the footpath when the Mr. Cool Sheng-Ji Yang walked by. The former stopped abruptly, took off everything on her and blocked Yang's path...
Yang came down to his meeting and met up with his old pal, then went about telling him what happened. His friend said, "Where is Deirdre then?"
"You still didn't get the morale of the story huh? The clothes don't fit me, but I think the bicycle will come in useful."
Hamlet posted 07-09-99 08:08 AM ET
All the faction leaders went for a boat ride one day.
As they reached the middle of the lake, Lal remembered that he had forgotten his commlink. So he jumped over the side of the boat and walked over the water to the shore to get it.
Miriam was slightly stunned but she decided to hold her peace for the moment.
Then, Deidre remembered that she had forgotten her sunblock. She too hopped over the side of the boat and walked across the water to get it.
Over the course of the next hour, similar incidents occurred with all the other faction leaders.
Finally, Miriam lost her cool.
"OH LORD!!! All these unbelievers have, with their diabolical power accomplished what You once did. Let ME Your humble servant do this too!!!"
She leaps over the side of the boat and promptly sinks.
As Deidre and Morgan throw her a life vest, Zakharov turns to Lal and says
"Should we tell her where the stepping stones are?"
Resource Consumer posted 07-09-99 09:10 AM ET
What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a mindwoem in it?
Finding half a minworm in it?
Stasis Archon posted 07-09-99 05:13 PM ET
We sit together,
the vodka and I,
until none of the Vodka remains.
--Prokhor Zakharov, from the Yang collection
(Original, just in case you didn't get it:
We sit together,
the mountain and I,
until only the mountain remains.
--Li Po, from the Yang collection)
Hamlet posted 07-09-99 08:48 PM ET
Deidre, Yang and Morgan were discussing their taxation policies. The question arose as to the proper distribution of their factions income.
Yang said,"I draw a circle on the ground and stand inside it. Then, I throw the energy credits in the air. What lands inside goes to my salary, what lands outside goes to the People.
Deidre said, "I draw a line on the ground and throw the crdits in the air. What lands to the left goes to me, what lands on the right goes to the benefit of Planet."
Morgan looked at them and said,"I throw the credits into the air. What comes down I keep, what stays up I give away."
edgecrusher posted 07-13-99 12:47 AM ET
what is the motto of the peacekeeper army?
never leave your buddie's behind.
"edgecrusher" ~ Spartan Probe Team 'Anal-gis'
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Author	Topic: SMAC jokes.
Delgath	posted 06-07-99 12:55 AM ET Miriam and Deidre were both attending the same party. The hostess came up to Deidre and offered her a G&T. Deidre accepted. When Miriam was asked the same question she replied, "I'd rather commit adultery than allow liquor to pass my lips". Deidre threw away her glass and said, "You mean we get a choice?" Delgath. UoP. -Where do you want to colonize today?
jimmytrick	posted 06-07-99 01:00 AM ET SMAC jokes? General couslee. hahahahahahahahahahahahha Lt. Col. jtrick Tri-Chiron Defense League (commander of "WIMPY", the fearless former)
JAMstillAM	posted 06-07-99 01:05 AM ET Miriam and Lal walked into a building. You'd think that one of them would have seen it. Santiago and Deirdre were walking thru Sparta Command when Deirdre spotted a makeup compact on the the ground. Upon picking it up and opening it she said "Gee, this woman looks familiar..." With catlike agility, Santiago snatched it from her and looked into it as well, exclaiming "Of course, you idiot, it's ME!" JAMiAM
Delgath	posted 06-07-99 01:15 AM ET Morgan and Zakharov were sitting on a bench in a park watching the native wildlife. The ageing Zakharov had an enormous grin on his face. "What are you so happy about?" asked Morgan. "I just broke a mirror!" replied the Provost. "But that means 7 years bad luck!" "I know" grinned Zakharov, "Isn't it wonderful." A young man was wandering around The Hive looking for a place to live. Eventually he gave up and began to return to the 4 by 4 cell where he lived. While walking home he tripped on an old metal food paste can, falling to the ground. Getting up swearing he gave the can an almighty kick, pooping open the lid and spilling out a little blue genie. "You may have one wish!" said the Genie. "OK, I'll have a four bedroomed Hive apartment, with a bathroom, kitchen and laundry" replied the young man. "Son", said the Genie, "If I could get an apartment in the Hive with four bedrooms, a bathroom, kitchen and laundry, Do you think I'd be living in an old food paste can? -Delgath. UoP. Where do you want to joke today?
LoD	posted 06-07-99 09:48 AM ET Zhakarov, Miriam, Lal and Yang were escaping mindworms in a Scout Rover. Unfortunately, after a moment the boil started to gain on them. Zhakarov picked up Miriam and threw her out. The worms stopped and feasted on her for a moment, then resumed the hunt. After several minutes it was 20 meters from the rover. Zhakarov threw out Yang. The worms gobbled up the commie, and restarted their previous task. When they were about 30m from the rover, Zak placed a singularity laser and the rear of the vehicle and annihilated the boil. "Why didn't you do it the first time?" asked Lal, shocked. "You're kidding" grinned Zak, picking up a small bottle from a compartment "a hundred* for four?" That's 100 ml of vodka A drunk Zhakarov zigzagging through the corridor, mumbling "A liter for seven, a liter for seven" Natalya stops him and asks: "If that was a liter for seven people, than why are you so drunk?" "Tthe ottther sssix dddidddn't arrrivve..." *A liter of you-know-what LoD Note: This post does not promote the consumption of alcoholic beverages of any type.
Delgath	posted 06-07-99 03:53 PM ET Anytime you see a guy open the rover door for his girlfriend either the rover's new, or the girlfriend is A Morgan juggler was driving to the newest Morgan casino to perform his act when he was pulled over by the police. "Why do you have all those machetes in the back?" asked the copper. "I juggle them in my act" replied the juggler. "Ok then", said the policeman, "Let's see you do it" The juggler got out of the car and was juggling, whilst another rover passed by. "Gee", said the passer by, "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!" A man was driving his rover through some bush when he saw a young boy running through the trees with a mind worm boil hot on his heels. "Quick! Jump in!" said the man bringing the car to a screeching halt. "Thanks!" said the boy, "Most people don't offer a ride to a boy with a pet mindworm boil"
BusterMan	posted 06-07-99 05:14 PM ET Civilization Call to Power HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! now thats funny
TheHelperMonkey	posted 06-07-99 07:27 PM ET Hahahahahaha! wipes tears from eyes You're kidding, right?
whirlwind13	posted 06-07-99 10:38 PM ET Why did Miram cross the mag tube? Because +25% dont mean a damn thing when your fighting with sticks!
Delgath	posted 06-08-99 08:10 AM ET Sheng-ji Yang was late for a meeting so he told his stretched rover driver to step on it. The driver refused on the grounds that that would be against the law due to breaking the speed limit. So Yang swapped places with the driver and drove himself. After a few kilometres, the limo-rover was pulled over by the police. One policeman got out of his car, walked over to the limo, looked in the window and immediatly returned to his car. "Why didn't you charge that guy?" asked his partner. "I didn't see who it was but whoever they are, they're far too important. I don't know who it was but Chairman Yang was their chaffeur!" -Del. Where do you want to colonize today?
HMFIC	posted 06-08-99 10:25 AM ET "Take my mindworm, please." -- Henny Yang-man, Datalinks
Delgath	posted 06-08-99 07:19 PM ET Chairman Yang was visiting Morgan Industries when he came across a hive citizen who had moved to the Morgan city. Ahh Comrade! Tell me, you have a job here no? How do these capitalist bosses treat you? Well sometimes if you are walking home from work they pick you up in their limosines and drive you home, sometimes they buy you presents and sometimes they take you away for the weekend and make love to you. And how many times has this happened to you? Well to me never, but to my sister several times. Delgath. Where do you want to colonize today?
whirlwind13	posted 06-08-99 11:15 PM ET Chairman Yang went to visit a Hab Complex in The Hive to see what it was like for the people there. He went up to a man and asked him: "Do you have plenty of nutrients to eat?" "Oh yes" the man said. "Do you have enough enegy credits for you and your family?" asked Yang. "Of course" said the man. "Do you have your own rover?" "I have that to, I have everything I ever wanted" replied the man. Then The Chairman asked "Do you know who I am?" The man bluntly replied "Your a morganite probe team, anyone else would know we dont have ****!"
Aredhran	posted 06-09-99 05:05 AM ET Morganite probe team, indeed ! LMAO
laurens	posted 06-09-99 06:03 AM ET This is really funny :> How on Chiron you guyz are able to come up with such 'droned/talented' jokes? A resident's voice
googlie	posted 06-09-99 11:13 AM ET If a bucket of cold water can separate two rutting dogs, how do you separate two mating mindworms? Carefully
Transcendent	posted 06-09-99 11:34 AM ET Miriam goes to the doctor with a lettuce leaf hanging out of her arse. "That looks nasty" says the doctor "That's nothing" says Miriam "that's just the tip of the iceberg"
Delgath	posted 06-09-99 09:24 PM ET A new Punishment Sphere Youth Containment Hive Operation (P.S.Y.C.H.O. (A Prison)) guard was being led into the jail for his first day. "Do you think you can handle these drones?" asked the Warden, "They're about as tough as they get" "No problem" said the guard, "Any trouble and out they go." One of CEO Morgan's many sons was standing on a street corner selling news disks. EXTRA! EXTRA! TWO MEN SWINDLED!, he yelled. A passing man ran up, bought a disk and put it in his player. Hey Kid! There's nothing in here about 2 men being swindled, he said. EXTRA! EXTRA! THREE MEN SWINDLED! yelled the child. -Delgath. Where do you want to colonize today?
whirlwind13	posted 06-09-99 10:11 PM ET Miram decided all of the letters sent within the Habitation Complex's should be done by paper mail, including old-fashioned postage stamps with her face printed on them. She ordered the stamps be made with the finest materials. Soon, however, complaints filted back to Miram about the quality of the glue on the stamps. An immediate investigation was ordered. Later a probe team came back and told her "there is nothing wrong with your stamps, the glue sticks fine, the drones were just spitting on the wrong side" The ArchChancellor
Transcendent	posted 06-10-99 04:32 AM ET Deirdre went out to her mail box and looked in, closed the door and went back in the house. A few minutes later she went out and looked in the mail box again. She did this several times and her neighbour that was watching her said, "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into your mail box". Deirdre answered "No, I am working on my computer and it keeps telling me that I have mail."
laurens	posted 06-10-99 05:07 AM ET While on a date, Morgan decides to kiss Deirdre. Deirdre, "Oh kissing, that is an interesting phenomenon that occurs in nature. This is an initiating process for sex not only found in homosapiens but also in all heterosapiens, mammals, camels and mindworms alike. Out of 1000 ants observed out a laboratory in Yugoslavia (on old Earth) 90% of them seems to involve in the kissing process but the subsequence is very random with probability 0.672139 that a male ant kisses his female counterpart. First observe the behaviour of ants and cockroaches and isles of the deep under varying conditions. That will be very interesting. Isn't it? Mr. Morgan has a heart attack.
Delgath	posted 06-10-99 10:09 PM ET Why did the Gaian fall out of the tree? Because he was dead. Why did the second Gaian fall out of a tree? Because the first one hit it. Why did the third Gaian fall out of the tree? Because he thought suicide was the "in" thing. Why did the morganite die? Three Gaians fell on his head.
Delgath	posted 06-11-99 08:26 AM ET Zakharov: What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? Miriam: I don't know and I don't care. -Delgath. -Where do you want to colonize today?
Delgath	posted 06-11-99 06:21 PM ET Interview with CEO Morgan, Datalinks. ...All I want is a woman with a good sense of humour who can cook. Is that too much to ask of an heiress?
Rimmer	posted 06-14-99 12:45 AM ET All of us
Delgath	posted 06-14-99 02:20 AM ET How many elephants can you fit in a rover? 2. one in the driver's seat and one in the passenger seat. How many Spartans does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They don't. Spartans aren't afraid of the dark. -Delgath. UoP.
Rackam	posted 06-14-99 12:06 PM ET I apologise in advance to those who might be offended by this one. How many Believers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, God will change it for them. ~Rackam
MichaeltheGreat	posted 06-14-99 12:23 PM ET Hey Rackam - now you know why those asteroid keep hitting you! ;: o:
Delgath	posted 06-16-99 01:53 AM ET How many Spartans does it take to change a lightbulb? Four. DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT? How many Morganite economists does it take to change a lightbulb? How many did it take this time last year? How many PK bureaucrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 2. One to assure everyone that they have their best man on the job, and everything will soon be fixed, and one to screw the bulb into the water tap. -Delgath. UoP. SHENANAGANS!
Rackam	posted 06-16-99 11:37 AM ET How many Believers does it take to change a lightbulb? One, to call up the UoP to find out why it's dark. ~Rackam MTG, it's funny, but I just realised that most of the impacts were when I was playing Miriam :P
Delgath	posted 06-16-99 08:51 PM ET How many Morganite salesmen does it take to change a lightbulb? I'm just going to work this out on my computer and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. -Del. UoP. OZZIE OZZIE OZZIE!
MikeH II	posted 06-17-99 05:03 AM ET How many Gaians does it take to change a lightbulb? One, Deidre holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
OldWarrior_42	posted 06-17-99 05:42 AM ET Now that one made me laugh like a son of a b.tch
Stasis Archon	posted 06-17-99 10:15 AM ET How many believers does it take to change a lightbulb? Two, one to change it and one to shout "Let there be light!" How many Morganites does it take to change a lightbulb? Two, one to change it and one to sell the old lightbulb.
laurens	posted 06-17-99 11:01 AM ET Mr. Provost and his wife are married for so long, but never been close. One day finally, Mrs. Provost wants to give the prof a surprise kiss: "You want to kiss me. That is fine I assume that you know the algorithm for that very well. But you have to complete the process within 56.22 seconds or else connection will be timed out. To optmise the timing lets do parallel processing. As we have to discuss about our future and other things, let us do the process of discussion foreground and why can't you put the process of Kissing background?" Mrs. Provost files for divorce.
edgecrusher	posted 06-17-99 11:45 AM ET what does does deirdre do when she wakes up in the morning? she goes home.
Delgath	posted 06-18-99 12:26 AM ET How does Deirdre turn on the light in the morning? She opens the rover door. -Del. Uop.
edgecrusher	posted 06-18-99 11:12 PM ET did you know that deirdre has devised a method of birth control using mindworms and a planetbuster? it's called Mom Bomb. "edgecrusher" - Spartan Probe Team 'Angelis'
edgecrusher	posted 06-18-99 11:28 PM ET Yang and Miriam are falling off of a building. who hits first? do you honestly care? "edgecrusher" Spartan Probe Team 'Angelis'
Delgath	posted 06-19-99 07:33 AM ET How many Firaxis programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It can't be done. It's a hardware problem. -Del. UoP.
LoD	posted 06-19-99 08:25 AM ET How many Morganites CEO's does it take to change a lightbulb? Five - one changes the lightbulb, and the other four try to knock him from the stool. How many Spartans does it take to change a lightbulb? Three - one changes the lightbulb, and the other two threaten to break it. LoD LoD
LoD	posted 06-19-99 03:43 PM ET "Sister Miriam, that guy from the tech team says that you are a stupid fanatic, you haven't finished high school back on Earth, and you don't even know the meanings of latin quotes you use." "Just tell that he can kiss my ass and vice versa" LoD
Delgath	posted 06-20-99 06:28 PM ET How many Gaian Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Fish. -Del. UoP.
Delgath	posted 06-24-99 07:59 PM ET I say, I say, I say, back on earth I 'ad a dog with no nose. No NOSE? 'Ow did 'e smell? TERRIBLE! What's the difference between a Spartan and a draught horse? A Spartan darts into the fray. -Del. UoP.
edgecrusher	posted 06-26-99 04:59 PM ET did you hear about provost zakharov's new cook book? it's called "you too can taste my fruit." "edgecrusher" ~ Spartan Probe Team 'Angelis'
Delgath	posted 07-01-99 01:11 AM ET In an historical meeting between Miriam, of the Believer/Spartan alliance and Provost Zakharov of the University/Peacekeeper alliance, Miriam descended from her copter and passed Zak a letter from Santiago. The letter read: Please ignore this women, she is an idiot. -Del. UoP.
Darkstar	posted 07-01-99 02:00 PM ET Q: What does Deidre say after having sex? A: Aren't all you guys on the same team? Q: Why do graduates of New Jerusalum's College put their diploma's in their Rover's windows? A: So they can park in the Handicapped spots. -Darkstar
edgecrusher	posted 07-01-99 02:40 PM ET why did the monolith disappear? because someone uploaded windows 98 into it. "edgecrusher" ~ Spartan Probe Team 'Angelis'
Rackam	posted 07-02-99 06:47 AM ET Edge - ROFL
MikeH II	posted 07-02-99 07:21 AM ET How many survivors of a Mindworm attack does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know.... THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU WEREN'T THERE MAN! What's the difference between Diedre and a fridge? The fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out. Two gaians fell out of a tree, Boom boom. Miriam, Dierdre and Santiago are queuing up to trancend and each of them first had to speak to planet. "I cannot allow anyone unclean to trancend." Then to Miriam, "has any part of your body touched a human male's reproductive organs?" Miriam looks ashamed "Yes, my hands, may God forgive me." "Then you must wash your hands in my sacred pool," Miriam washes and then trancends. There is a bit of shoving at the back of the queue. "What's going on back there?" Santiago pipes up from the back. "Listen can I go before Diedre? If I'm going to have to wash my mouth out in that pool I want to do it before she shoves her arse in it."
edgecrusher	posted 07-07-99 03:45 PM ET good one, mikeh ii... it's a nice spin on some other joke. "edgecrusher" ~ Spartan Probe Team 'angelis'
laurens	posted 07-07-99 10:40 PM ET Deirdre was cycling along the footpath when the Mr. Cool Sheng-Ji Yang walked by. The former stopped abruptly, took off everything on her and blocked Yang's path... Yang came down to his meeting and met up with his old pal, then went about telling him what happened. His friend said, "Where is Deirdre then?" "You still didn't get the morale of the story huh? The clothes don't fit me, but I think the bicycle will come in useful."
Hamlet	posted 07-09-99 08:08 AM ET All the faction leaders went for a boat ride one day. As they reached the middle of the lake, Lal remembered that he had forgotten his commlink. So he jumped over the side of the boat and walked over the water to the shore to get it. Miriam was slightly stunned but she decided to hold her peace for the moment. Then, Deidre remembered that she had forgotten her sunblock. She too hopped over the side of the boat and walked across the water to get it. Over the course of the next hour, similar incidents occurred with all the other faction leaders. Finally, Miriam lost her cool. "OH LORD!!! All these unbelievers have, with their diabolical power accomplished what You once did. Let ME Your humble servant do this too!!!" She leaps over the side of the boat and promptly sinks. As Deidre and Morgan throw her a life vest, Zakharov turns to Lal and says "Should we tell her where the stepping stones are?"
Resource Consumer	posted 07-09-99 09:10 AM ET What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a mindwoem in it? Finding half a minworm in it?
Stasis Archon	posted 07-09-99 05:13 PM ET We sit together, the vodka and I, until none of the Vodka remains. --Prokhor Zakharov, from the Yang collection (Original, just in case you didn't get it: We sit together, the mountain and I, until only the mountain remains. --Li Po, from the Yang collection)
Hamlet	posted 07-09-99 08:48 PM ET Deidre, Yang and Morgan were discussing their taxation policies. The question arose as to the proper distribution of their factions income. Yang said,"I draw a circle on the ground and stand inside it. Then, I throw the energy credits in the air. What lands inside goes to my salary, what lands outside goes to the People. Deidre said, "I draw a line on the ground and throw the crdits in the air. What lands to the left goes to me, what lands on the right goes to the benefit of Planet." Morgan looked at them and said,"I throw the credits into the air. What comes down I keep, what stays up I give away."
edgecrusher	posted 07-13-99 12:47 AM ET what is the motto of the peacekeeper army? never leave your buddie's behind. "edgecrusher" ~ Spartan Probe Team 'Anal-gis'