posted 05-31-99 09:57 AM ET        

Three forumers stood alone in the street, their shadows starting to form on the ground, displaying their muscular bodies...

The three newbies calmly walked up the street. The time had come they knew. They had volunteered for this mission... For these three, failure was not an option. They three Agents were:

Trippin; rough, tough, constantly sticking a new cigarette in his mouth, which he always would light with his elephant size flamer with the inscription "Your last flame, geekshow!".

Tfs99; quick feet, lightning reactions, chewing and using poison and dynamite gums like they had strawberry taste.

Freddz; small, vicious, with a sense of humour that could instantly kill a Vet through boredom.

Not missing a stride, the newbies simultaneously put on their flea-nest hippie wigs so. No one would know they weren�t veterans. The newbies reached their target, a huge palace in which the Off-topic Senate held their councils. A plesant smile on his lips, Freddz walked up to the janitor's cabin by the gates. He knocked on the door. From inside�

�Ho-hoo. I�m coming�. Ho-hooo�

Sitting in a wheel-chair, Imran, the nicest man ever born, opened the door. The newbies had all the files on Imran. Once he had owned a prosperous fungus farm; but one day he had seen with his own eyes mind worms feasting on his cat �Renn Oldz�, a shock that had left poor Imran without the ability to walk. The newbies smiled.

�Uh, hi. I�m Imran. Who may you be?
�Hi� We are just honored Vets. We are here to check the pipes under the Senate. Here�s the papers.�

Imran sniffed in the air, then grabbed the papers.

�Funny smell�?�
�We ate spicy Quttro Stagione�� Tfs99 said.
�Okay. Seems correct. You go. Thank you. Thank you. Good luck. Ho-ho!�

As the newbies grinned and went on, Imran�s silly smile turned to ice, his eyes flashed. He then put up his fingers to squeeze his nose shut. �Newbies� Only newbies smell like old potatoes.� he thought. "And, they were up to something real bad. Yes..."

He sensed it. He climbed down the ladder to the basement, clicked on a control. Portals opened.

Before him, stood his glistening black car, so explisit, so beautiful. Powerful. Imran grinned at some nasty thought, a crazy glimpse caught in his eye.

�Those creeps didn�t know who they were dealing with. Tonight the legend would return� Yes� Hehehee... Tonight, the newbies would die... Yes... Tonight SMACman would return! I am SMACMAN!!!!!!�

Imran, who had sacrificed his life to poverty and anonymity just to kill wicked newbies, walked past his black SMACmobile. No one knew who SMACman was. A living legend.

Imran pressed another button. His black SMACsuit rumbled out from a secret compartment in the wall�

"Tonight" Imran thought.

posted 05-31-99 07:25 PM ET            

Night. The newbies feasted at Old Vet city's finest tavern: "Dental floss".

"Your bubble bombs will blow in exactly ona minuta" Trippin exclaimed. "Ona minuta! Cheers!"
"Cheers!!! Boom boom boom! Bye Vetties!" tfs99 said. "Bye Palace! Hah!"
"Cheers Nell!"

Trippin looked up. Nell stood on the table, taking a bite from a Holly Newbie ear(a delicacy at the tavern) while resting from her dancing. Nell smiled.

"Cheers Freddz!"
"Cheers Freddz! Boom boom! Cheers old pal!" the others cried.
"...Huh... It's... it's... black... Where's my drinky winky... Where...?"

The other three started singing.

"We are the champions tonight... tralala...! We are the champions, my friend! We are the champiooooons!
"You a good palace spy Nell...." Freddz throated out. "You saw my hand reaching for you skirt, huh...?"
"We are theee chaaaampioooons toniiiiight!!!"
"A lil too harsh to drive my head into the wall maybe...? Just a thought..."
"Chaaampiooons...!"
"I'll have two headaches tomorrow Nell..."

Tfs99 helped Fredz out, placed him on a chair.

"Freddz, you desperate little turd..."
"I almost made it you know"
"What?"
"With the hand..."
"12 seconds to boom!" Trippen shouted. "Okay here we go"

Everyone stood up... and started the count together.

"10!"
"9!"
"8!"
"7!"
"6!"
"5!"
"Foooooooury!"
"Threeeisssiimooo!"
"Twooohippiiieee!"
"Onneeeaabeee!"
"YEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!"
"BOOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Booom! Boom! Booom! Booom. Bom? Bom? Boom? Huh? Buh?"

"Shhhhh, or we won't hear it...."
"Maybe it blew up while you were at the toilet Tfs, huh? Pretty noisy."
"Impossible. The bubble bombs are timed... My personal aren't..."
"Shhh..."

The newbies stood listening, their mouths agape, their eyes glancing everywhere as if they expected something to move with the Palace boom... Tic tac tic tac....

Freddz was suddenly angry.

"Okay! Half an hour has gone and no boom boom! Not even a silly draft in here!"
Trippin: "Something's wrong here! I'm warning ya, who or what you be or not, I'm getting suspicious!"
Tfs99: "Yeah... something's real wrong... Something's wrrrrrooongggg.... huh?"

the newbies sweated in silence for a while...

"Yeah, �nd I know what it is... Look... out..."

Nell was at the window, pointing down at the street.

posted 06-02-99 07:16 AM ET            

Trippin flipped a cig up to his mouth and flamed it warm.

"Whatever it is, we be to much to handle. Way too much...Get ready people."

The newbies crossed to the window. The alley was dark and quiet. Dark... still they knew something sinister lurking down there as they watched, waiting, daring them to come down... thriving in the darkness itself.

"There is something down there... A black car I think... it was so fast...I've never...I have a bad..." Nell didn't finish the sentence.

Freddz broke into a sweat. Tfs spoke, but his voice shook in fear.

"My pants are heavier... Lets get outta here?"

The door BANGED!!

The newbies turned, aghast. The door chain held the door barely shut. A mad face popped in between, baring his teeth in a crazier smile than anyone ever had seen.

"Hello pretties!" the man said through his teeth.

"I have a funny story, I will kill you, freak!" Freddz screamed.

"No! Your bad jokes won't work on this one, Freddz. He's a the mad newbie" Tfs said. "He's ... it's Shining, the mad one!!"

Trippin took a step forward, turned on his flamer.

"Back off everyone! Back off! Now!!!"

An axe CRACKED through the door.
"Pretty, pretties! Come to Axeman!" Shining howled from behind the door.

Flames licked the doorway as the mad shape climbed through the whole, it's limbs starting to catch fire.

"Pretty, pretty... Axeman's here... Kiiilll..."

The body stumbled out, it's tortured shape black from the flames. Shining fell to the floor, dead...

"Cool, he's dead. Let's examine him" Trippin said.

"Wait, don't do it. There's always a final scare!" Nellie said.

"WHHOOOAAAAAAAAAARGHHH!!!!!!" Shining cried as Freddz lifted his head.

Freddz jumped. Shining laid still again.

"**** that was scary! Okay, let's finsish the thing down there, boys"
"Yeah, let's do it"

The newbies jumped through the window to the street. Trippin: a new cigarette in his mouth, flaming it. Tfs: blowing up a huge poison gum. Freddz: trying to remember his worst stories.

And from the dark, while they waited, a black shape slowly rolled out before them, it's vaseline polished hulk reflecting the moon...

posted 06-02-99 08:58 AM ET            

"Pathetic dweebs of the SMACalypse. Welcome to my town. You may not know me, but I tell you you won't get to know anyone else after this. Heh... I have killed more newbies than the whole off-topic forum have managed to kill together. And I have enjoyed every second of it. I'm every newbie's worst nightmare. I'm am... I am THE MASTER OF DARKNESS!!! THE PAIN OF EVERY HERETIC NEWBIE!!!!... I AAAAM... I AM THE LEGENDARY--"

"Imran? What are you doing here, dressed up as a cheap leather pimp???" Trippin said incredously.

"Imran, your sexual fantasies are none of our business..."

"Imran get back to your wheelchair before you get yourself hurt. Please. There are dangers lurking..." Tfs said.

SMACman stepped on the pedal, warming up the engine to silence the newbie insects before him. VRROOOOMMM!! VRRRROOOOOMMMM!!! VROOOOM!!! Then barely containing his contempt...

"Ah... So you know who I am." SMACman said icily. "No matter, death will come to you now anyways. For I AM..."

"No, it's SMACman!!!!" Nell shouted terrified from above.

"Can I finish!!!? Pleaaaase!!! FOR I AM --"

The newbies was still puzzled.

"Who's Snackman?"
"Dunno?"
"Better turn on the flamer. Imran looks kinda crazy..."
"I liked him better in his geeky uniform"
"Pretty cool car though"

Imran screamed at the top of his lungs: "SMACMAN! That's who I am! I was the one who stopped your timed bombs! I acn kill, drive like �hell, do cartwheel, and any other thing you newbies can't! And now you'll die you... you..."

"Okay, okay, just don't get upset. By the way, Tfs can do cartwheels as well. You two could team up, become a circus" Trippin was serious.

"Circus...?" Imran spat confused. Speaking to these newbies was no good no more. They just didn't get they were gonna die right here... Yes, right now. VRROOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!

The SMACmobile accelareted like lightning, targeted at the newbies.

Suddenly Brian Reynolds crossed the street before the car. IEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE..... "Nooo!!!" Imran screamed and stood on the brakes... The car stopped and Imran flew over an unaware Reynolds into an open manhole in the street. "I'll get you next timeeeee--!!!" The newbies heard a bonebreaking echo from the hole.

"Should have worn seatbelt right?
"Let's get back to Nell and have a beer"
"Wonder why these Vet's never learn?"
"The manhole covers are always on back home"
"Yeah..."
"Wonder when Aredhran's bringing in the chopper?"

The newbies walked back into Dental Floss.

posted 06-02-99 06:02 PM ET            

Freddz: "Do you think it's Victor ? He's coming back to avenge Imran..."
TFS: "Nah, can't be him. Goob reported he was having a burger at the Nun Smack"
Trippin [nervously fingering his flamethrower's trigger]: "****, what is it ? It's ****ing huge..."

The dust slowly settled to reveal a silhouette casually stepping out of a dark mass still masked by the dust, and walking towards them. Just at this instant, the door of the Dental Floss opened and Nell stepped out.

"What was that noise, guys, did you do that ? It rattled the glasses off the table !"

A strong, yet pleasant voice with a slight French accent came from the still approaching silhouette... "Hi Nell ! Need some ironing done today ?"

Nell: "Oh, Aredhran ! What a nice surprise... You scared the hell out of the boys there !"
Aredhran: "Sorry guys, but"
Trippin: "Scared ? SCARED ? No friggin way... I was just being careful and preparing for the worst"
TFS: "Yeah, right."
Freddz: "MoSe told me you were swift, but you're late... Where's the legendary Swiss precision ?"
Aredhran: "Precision, not punctuality, hehehe."
Nell: "Wanna come inside for a drink ?"
Aredhran: "No, thanks. I saw on my chopper's scopes that your foe escaped. He will be back, no doubt, so we'd better get out of here now..."

Our five heroes walked towards the helicopter, landed right above the manhole into which the SMACman disappeared. Tfs, sharp-eyed as usual, immediately noticed an unusual protuberance at the front, just below the cockpit.

Nell: "Hey, nice 'copter you've got there, dear"
Trippin: "What took you so long anyway ? If Brian hadn't stepped in front of that car, we'd be flat by now..."
Aredhran: "Well, I couldn't resist the temptation to stop by at OldWarrior's Workshop, it was on the way... and guess what ? He had completed a brand new weapon prototype, it's called Plasma Shard phaser. He told me it would beat your flamethrower hands down"
Freddz: "Get out of here... Nothing can be worse that Trip's 8-barreled Flamer"
Aredhran: "No, really, that's what he said. Anyway... it took us a while to mount it on the chopper... So, your bomb did not explode ? How about a live test for that new Shard gun ?"
Tfs: "OK, let's do it !"

posted 06-02-99 06:03 PM ET            

Freddz: "Do you think it's Victor ? He's coming back to avenge Imran..."
TFS: "Nah, can't be him. Goob reported he was having a burger at the Nun Smack"
Trippin [nervously fingering his flamethrower's trigger]: "****, what is it ? It's ****ing huge..."

The dust slowly settled to reveal a silhouette casually stepping out of a dark mass still masked by the dust, and walking towards them. Just at this instant, the door of the Dental Floss opened and Nell stepped out.

"What was that noise, guys, did you do that ? It rattled the glasses off the table !"

A strong, yet pleasant voice with a slight French accent came from the still approaching silhouette... "Hi Nell ! Need some ironing done today ?"

Nell: "Oh, Aredhran ! What a nice surprise... You scared the hell out of the boys there !"
Aredhran: "Sorry guys, but"
Trippin: "Scared ? SCARED ? No friggin way... I was just being careful and preparing for the worst"
TFS: "Yeah, right."
Freddz: "MoSe told me you were swift, but you're late... Where's the legendary Swiss precision ?"
Aredhran: "Precision, not punctuality, hehehe."
Nell: "Wanna come inside for a drink ?"
Aredhran: "No, thanks. I saw on my chopper's scopes that your foe escaped. He will be back, no doubt, so we'd better get out of here now..."

Our five heroes walked towards the helicopter, landed right above the manhole into which the SMACman disappeared. Tfs, sharp-eyed as usual, immediately noticed an unusual protuberance at the front, just below the cockpit.

Nell: "Hey, nice 'copter you've got there, dear"
Trippin: "What took you so long anyway ? If Brian hadn't stepped in front of that car, we'd be flat by now..."
Aredhran: "Well, I couldn't resist the temptation to stop by at OldWarrior's Workshop, it was on the way... and guess what ? He had completed a brand new weapon prototype, it's called Plasma Shard phaser. He told me it would beat your flamethrower hands down"
Freddz: "Get out of here... Nothing can be worse that Trip's 8-barreled Flamer"
Aredhran: "No, really, that's what he said. Anyway... it took us a while to mount it on the chopper... So, your bomb did not explode ? How about a live test for that new Shard gun ?"
Tfs: "OK, let's do it !"

posted 06-03-99 09:51 AM ET            

OW: Who are you? What do you want?
Stranger: I have come for the Shard Rifle.
OW: It's not here, go away! (Looking around for a weapon, he sees nothing except a butane lighter)
Stranger: Where is it, old man? (His eyes now glowing red from beneath his hooded cloak, his breath nasty and enveloping OW in a cloud of noxious vapor.) Answer me, or I'll tear it from your mind like a wad of wet toilet paper.
OW: Ow, ow, ow, okay you win. (More afraid of asphyxiation than a Psi attack from the obviously deranged man.) Aredhran bought it. Gave me 50 energy credits, he did.
Stranger: You foolish old man! Why did you sell it to him? He...he's one of...THEM!
OW: I didn't see the harm, he's Swiss, you know? Besides, I needed the money, I'm just a poor old tinkerer. You want to buy a puppet? Hey wait! Where are you off to in such a hurry?

posted 06-03-99 12:21 PM ET            

"There was an old woman who lived in a shoe... what will I do? What will I do?"

"Jack Spratt could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean... The vets and newbies wanna fight and I'm stuck between..."

"Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone... To stop this fight, I must ally, but it seems that I have none."

"Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers... Man, I so hungry I could eat a double-decker!"

"I better watch my diet though, maybe just toast and jam... jam?... JAMiAM... yes, that crazy fool might be just stupid enough to stand between them. Just gotta get that idiot spouting prose and maybe they'll all be so confused, I can disarm them before they hurt each other! Now, where can I find him?"

posted 06-04-99 09:42 AM ET            

You better send that book anyway trippin... just in case... But I'm afraid he may have succeeded in his attack anyways... too late...

posted 06-04-99 10:14 AM ET            

Now, let's ignore this moron and carry on with our story, shall we ? JAM, I like your new twist. But must I urge you to refuse the mysterious man's offer to stand in the middle, because you could get hurt and I would hate to see that. So stay hidden, wherever you are.

Freddz (or someone else), How about telling me where to fly that chopper to ? We still have a Crusade to finish before we can resume the party with the Rave Queen!

posted 06-04-99 02:02 PM ET            

Nell: Well, hello there. What can I get you? Drink? Cigarettes? Coffee? Lap Dance?

The Man: (peering through one squinty eye, his head still pounding) How about some peace and quiet? Those drunken fools are driving me up the wall. (gesturing towards the three swaggering characters at the front doorway.)

Nell: You know, you really shouldn't come in here, if you can't stand the noise and the people, that is. This is a bar, after all.

The Man: Yeh, that's what it is... now. It used to be a respectable place, one that you could bring your kids to. Now... now look at it. Drunken newbies everywhere. Lap dancers. Veteran wannabees parading around like they are God's own gift. An isle of lost souls, that's what it is now, not a good soul to be found.

Nell: That's not true and you know it!

The Man: Show me one, just one, that isn't lost.

Nell: You're not... are you? And I KNOW who you are... JAMiAM.

A barely noticable change came over the man, who was now, due to the shock of being recognized, able to hold both eyes open. Nell didn't even notice.

The Man: So... you think you know who I am, do you?

Nell: I do. (pulling a chair close and sitting next to him.) And I know you want to help make this a wonderful place, once more, don't you?

posted 06-04-99 02:11 PM ET            

Out into the street stepped a tall rangy looking hombre dressed like Gary Cooper from �High Noon.� A Colt�45 PeaceMaker was slung low on each hip. A broad-brimmed hat shaded his steely eyes and long strands of gray hair lay like matted cobwebs down his straight back. As he walked down the street his spurs jingled and something glinted on his chest. It was a large silver star.
The armed hombre walked past Boot Hill, jingle jangle jingle.
He walked past the OK Corral, jingle jangle jingle.
He walked by Silverado Software House, jingle jangle jingle.
He stopped in front of the LongBranch Saloon where a small throng of forum citizens congregated.
There was �Miss Nell," owner and proprietor of the LongBranch.
Freddz �The Kid� leaned up against a post his sharp eyes scanning the horizon for any signs of vets.
trippin daily, the infamous bouncer of the LongBranch leaned back in a chair smoking and counting the notches on the stock of the flame-thrower cradled in his lap.
Tfs99 was there too. Standing there with his thumbs tucked into his gun belt chewing on what looked like a stick of TNT watching for any signs of fear.
Herr Aredhran stood to one side looking a little out of place in lederhosen (sp) and little feathered hat drinking beer from a huge stein.
And finally there was a hooded stranger muttering fractured nursery rhymes to himself.
The hombre approached them. The star on his chest flashed and they could read �Veteran.�
The crowd gasped and reached for their various weapons of choice. But before they let loose a devastating salvo the hombre spoke.
�Howdy gents, you too ma�am.� Tipping his hat toward Miss Nell.
�Welcome to these here parts and make yourselves ta home. There�s plenty of room for all. Why I remember way back when, well it must be over a year now, that we were all new in this unexplored territory. Its changed a lot since then, but so have I, hee hee.� Rambled the ancient hombre as he reached for his pocket.
�You folks have fun now. And here, take this. I sure don�t need it anymore and you might find a use for it some day.� Said the old codger as he took off his star and flipped toward the citizens and disappeared into the sunset, probably on his way to the I-Club.

posted 06-04-99 07:47 PM ET            

Aredhran: "Temporarily... Mission aborted, Sir?...
Base: "Yes... Return to camp...."
Aredhran: "Roger, base... Returning..."
Base: "...Roger Aredh...Out..."
Aredhran: "Out."

Aredhran turned back to his passengers: "No more tries today. Returning to base"
trippin: "****... These vets gonna get away...? We can make it Aredh!"
Aredhran: "Not today... Base orders..."
Tfs: "Man, that's unfair... This drinking got anythin' to do with this sh*t...?"
Nell smiled at their disappointments: "Just base orders... accept it... Don't try to show off for me..."

The rotors started to move... Nell watched as the chopper lifted, the blur of the rotors somehow relaxing her mind...

Trippin sleepily took a matchbox out of his pocket, for once lighting a cigarette the normal way...

Tfs tiredly stared at Old Vet city from above... He had to admit it was a damn beautiful metro... Like a pic of 22nd century Vegas at night... Too bad it had to go one day... Too bad... Hehee... He smiled...

Trippin blinked, close to sleeping now. Suddenly he stared up, shocked! He was staring right into the barrel of a Chaos gun --

"What the fu...? Freddz!?"

Freddz grinned as trippin glanced at his flamer.

"Try it, motherf*cker... I dare ya... Anybody freakin move and this gun's gonna rip trip's skull open... I MEAN it!!!"

The others sat frozen... This was not one of Freddz bad jokes...

Nell: "Freddz...?"
Tfs: "Why...?"
Freddz sneered at the rest: "You surprised? Guess what? You f*ckin should be! Stupid idiots! Once you insulted me... This is payback time..."
trippin: "Insulted you...?"
Tfs was beginning to understand how serious this was: "Look, maybe we have joked once in a --"
Freddz. "Shut the f*ck up!!! I'm not stupid, punks! I never were! Maybe some of ya never met me... So the f*ck what? You're all the same. Ahhh no matter... too late you realized... Too late..."

The newbies were confused... Freddz glanced nervously at Aredhran just to make sure he still had his headpiece on and only concentrating on the flying... He was. Freddz tossed cuffs to the floor. "Everybody cuff themselves... Do it! Now!"

Suddenly a gum was stuck at Freddz face! He grabbed it, threw to the floor: "F*ckin poison gum! Sh*t!!!"

Freddz struck trippin over the face with the gun, knocking him unconscious, then kicked his flamer out of the chopper. A half second after his gun tore holes in the chopper BRRRAAAAMMMM!! as Tfs dogded away for his life... BRRAAAAAMMMMM... Tfs rolled over the edge, one hand barely holding on... breathing hard... He knew the end was coming one way or the other now.... Freddz felt his cheek... it was swollen... bloodied...

"Damn gum! You just dunno who you're dealing with obviously..."

But Freddz had forgot Nell. She kicked him right in the nuts from, then put a knee to in his butt. Freddz was thrown to the copter wall, the chaos gun uselessly flew over the edge.
Freddz spat blood: "Alright... Nell. Lets do it..."
Nell: "Sex? Not with a freak!"
Freddz grinned ironically...
Freddz: "Heh... Funny girl... Lets have it here... See what you can do, eh?"

They exchanged a quick series of martial arts fighting... Suddenly Freddz caught her arm, and wrestled the girl to the floor.

"See Nell? I'm bettar than all of you..."

Pained by Freddz grip, Nell clawed at Freddz face, and suddenly the face seemed to move... Freddz was wearing a mask! The mask fell to the floor... Nell stared incrediously...

The man over her grinned: "You people always thought I was stupid, did ya? Who's stupid now, girl?"
Nell: "Chrisk... ? Impossible... Nooo... but how could you know all those things 'bout Freddz?

Chrisk smiled, it wasn't even a wicked smile...

Nell: "And...and where's Freddz then...?

Chrisk jerked her up to her feet. "Safe mayhaps? Gone...mayhaps? Who knows..." He smiled broader. "Yeah... who knows, girlie..."

Nell swallowed. Chrisk leaned towards her face.

"Give us a kiss shall we?"
Nell forced a grin: "Er.. sure Mr."

Just as Chrisk bent, Nell did her special Judo throw, swinging Chrisk screaming over the edge!

Nell shouted after him: "Sexist pig! Disgusting loser!"

A parachute popped out from Chrisk. "I'll be back, Nellie!!!" Belive it!!!"

Nell ignored him and helped Tfs up. They woke trippin.

Tfs: "Sh*t, wonder what's that was all about?"
Nell: "I dunno. Chrisk's sure isn't a vet. trippin: "Wish I was there to flame him when he was on the boards."

Nell was getting worried. Not because she liked Freddz that much, but she kinda missed his awful sides... his dreadful jokes... his blond hair... those fluffy tiger socks he wore Sundays... What a nerd... She smiled.

Aredhran's bent back and smiled unknowingly: "Dreadfully boring trip, huh? Whasup?"
Nell: "Nothing much"
trippin tohimself thoughtfully: "I heard Chrisk was a dumbass? Strange, he fooled 'em all..."
Aredhran: "We'll be there in an hour you know!"
Tfs: Great Aredh! You're a great pilot!"
Ardehran: "Yeah..."

Aredhran turned his back to them, spotted a wrinkle in his face. His hand corrected the skin... the... mask...

And without turning he shouted: "Yeah... Kinda nice to be getting back to the camps, huh?"
Nell laughed: "Yeah... Real nice! I would love some real Newbie breakfast when we make it there"
Aredhran grinned diabolically: "Yeah, you'll love the camps where I'm taking you. You'll all love it... I promise you..."

Aredhran laugh drowned in the roar of the rotors...